There is new light in my life, I thought that My Space should reflect that. I'm not surrounded in darkness anymore and my emotions aren't as raw as a hot, electric fence. I am calm for now and have a shining bright light up ahead; this I will keep my eyes and focus on.
I want to thank everyone for there heartfelt comments and well wishes - thank you. It really means so much to know how much I'm supported and to have you all share this new chapter with me. I know its not all going to be sunshine and roses, but will try my hardest to find those things and to keep myself in the here and now.
Thank you
Sunday, February 27
Friday, February 25
We Are Three
I am pregnant.
It is really early days and have just in this past week tested and found out, this new soul is due on Halloween. Its not been an easy choice to share this here, I can't hide from this pregnancy in my head, heart or writing and that is fact and so I need and want to write about here in My Space.
It is taking its time to settle within me and it doesn't compute yet. I've spent so long wanting it, working (read: obsessing) toward another pregnancy and figuring out how I'm supposed to live this life without my newborn daughter in my arms - that is it taking its own sweet time for me to realise that I am here carrying a new soul. Please don't get me wrong, we are so over the moon about it all, it is what we've wanted, planned and hoped for a long time - even longer when you consider that we've been trying for a baby for two years now. So this is my third pregnancy and its not yet sunk into my thick skull, nor penetrating my thickening skin.
As with anything like this; with all the hurdles to jump and the long winded approach to the finishing line of holding a full term, healthy, happy, live baby; sights are always set to the next hurdle, the next blood test, the scan, the hospital appointments, hearing the heartbeat etc. I need to try with all my might to take each day as it comes. Celebrate the fact that I am pregnant today, be happy and grateful and try keep my focus on the here and now, rather than projecting myself into an unknown future and stressing out.
I went to a 'Support During Pregnancy' group just two days ago and was quite honestly scared by the two mothers that were there. They were both in their second trimester and had a scare of some sort (bleed or prolonged lack of movement) and the first thing they admitted to thinking was arranging another funeral. Which just writing about that here makes sense now, but when they were telling their stories in all their full bumped glory; their pessimism just horrified me. I'll not be going back there, I don't need anymore ideas on 'what else could go wrong' thank you.
Life is still full on for me, it just seems like I'm always on the go and don't have much time for thinking, writing here, taking stock and growing mentally as I have been used to these past 6 months. I am in an action phase, wanting to get me going again in the outside world and actually getting enjoyment from it all. I have many things planned, with more appointments coming and have added swimming into the mix too - which for me is a big thing; going back to the same pool that I loved swimming with my Elizabeth bump. The thought that got me back there? The fact that I wanted to share the swimming with this new soul too, I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted that enjoyment for today and I really did enjoy myself.
Everything changes and I guess this Space will too, it will evolve with me as I make space for this new soul in my heart and life along side Taggpole and Elizabeth, not forgetting my awesome husband. I guess that goes for everyone in my life too, here especially. I don't think I could be here if it wasn't for the love, support, understanding, guidance and encouragement from the fellow Baby Loss Mamas - and for that I'll be forever grateful; thank you.
With this news from me, I can't help but feel so utterly heartbroken and torn up with Leslie's news. She has been so much to me, we connected and made a friendship for life - words fail me here, but you get the gist; she has been my companion on this new path, a light and a gentle coaxing voice and I hate so much that she is going through this again. I'm just so sorry dear friend, my heart, thoughts and wishes are with you...
It is really early days and have just in this past week tested and found out, this new soul is due on Halloween. Its not been an easy choice to share this here, I can't hide from this pregnancy in my head, heart or writing and that is fact and so I need and want to write about here in My Space.
It is taking its time to settle within me and it doesn't compute yet. I've spent so long wanting it, working (read: obsessing) toward another pregnancy and figuring out how I'm supposed to live this life without my newborn daughter in my arms - that is it taking its own sweet time for me to realise that I am here carrying a new soul. Please don't get me wrong, we are so over the moon about it all, it is what we've wanted, planned and hoped for a long time - even longer when you consider that we've been trying for a baby for two years now. So this is my third pregnancy and its not yet sunk into my thick skull, nor penetrating my thickening skin.
As with anything like this; with all the hurdles to jump and the long winded approach to the finishing line of holding a full term, healthy, happy, live baby; sights are always set to the next hurdle, the next blood test, the scan, the hospital appointments, hearing the heartbeat etc. I need to try with all my might to take each day as it comes. Celebrate the fact that I am pregnant today, be happy and grateful and try keep my focus on the here and now, rather than projecting myself into an unknown future and stressing out.
I went to a 'Support During Pregnancy' group just two days ago and was quite honestly scared by the two mothers that were there. They were both in their second trimester and had a scare of some sort (bleed or prolonged lack of movement) and the first thing they admitted to thinking was arranging another funeral. Which just writing about that here makes sense now, but when they were telling their stories in all their full bumped glory; their pessimism just horrified me. I'll not be going back there, I don't need anymore ideas on 'what else could go wrong' thank you.
Life is still full on for me, it just seems like I'm always on the go and don't have much time for thinking, writing here, taking stock and growing mentally as I have been used to these past 6 months. I am in an action phase, wanting to get me going again in the outside world and actually getting enjoyment from it all. I have many things planned, with more appointments coming and have added swimming into the mix too - which for me is a big thing; going back to the same pool that I loved swimming with my Elizabeth bump. The thought that got me back there? The fact that I wanted to share the swimming with this new soul too, I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted that enjoyment for today and I really did enjoy myself.
Everything changes and I guess this Space will too, it will evolve with me as I make space for this new soul in my heart and life along side Taggpole and Elizabeth, not forgetting my awesome husband. I guess that goes for everyone in my life too, here especially. I don't think I could be here if it wasn't for the love, support, understanding, guidance and encouragement from the fellow Baby Loss Mamas - and for that I'll be forever grateful; thank you.
With this news from me, I can't help but feel so utterly heartbroken and torn up with Leslie's news. She has been so much to me, we connected and made a friendship for life - words fail me here, but you get the gist; she has been my companion on this new path, a light and a gentle coaxing voice and I hate so much that she is going through this again. I'm just so sorry dear friend, my heart, thoughts and wishes are with you...
 |
| For your little bird Leslie |
Tuesday, February 22
Six Months Remembering
I really don't have many words today
It is a numb feeling, a wronged feeling
I miss you baby girl, my beautiful Elizabeth Layne
I wish with all of me that everything was different
I wish you were here in my arms, in your father's arms
I find you in the bright colours and quite places
I also find you in the heavy and dark clouds
You are here in my heart, your resting place forever with me
I do not feel alone and I smile sadly at that thought
I love you so very, very much my darling girl
You know my heart as well as I do
Saturday, February 19
Ringing Ears
This post has been started in my head about a million times - could I get here to write? Na. Life has taken over these past few weeks, over taken my need to grieve and that in itself is a hard pill to swallow. It goes without saying that I'm okay; I'm actually functioning better than I have done in the past six months and feel as if I'm moving forward now.
I was very reluctant to embrace these new feelings of relief to begin with, fighting all these emotions and actually finding it very difficult to know what they all were. It was like the emotions were all shouting at me, but I couldn't focus on a single voice and so couldn't make out any of them in the deafening noise. So, I just buried my head in the sand and got on with doing and planning things and gave my emotions the middle finger - I knew it would all come to the surface again and I'd have to deal with it them later.
Anyway, a lot has happened in the past two weeks, the main focus being family issues with A's sister and her husband - the result of events happened being we want to hurt/kill/chop his bits off! He has been a fucking bastard and my heart goes out to her and their daughter. It is just a really bad situation and has taken up a lot of mental energy thinking how she is to best get through this.
There has also been other news of new pregnancies to get my head around. It was hard at first, but can honestly say I can't be happier for them and totally have my fingers crossed for them.
Then there is all the juggling and planning of the small things:
I think the last one has been a relief for me, in limiting the amount of time I spend in other people's worlds and just concentrating on my own for awhile. While it is true that I have gained a new perspective from reading new blogs, it is all tinged with the sadness of losing a beloved baby and sometimes I just need to shut all of it out.
I have barely enough energy for my own emotions and by that I mean my grief. I'm not saying that I shut Elizabeth out of my mind; quite the contrary, its not with the heavy heart that I remember or miss her with just now. I'm not sure if this is a new corner that I have turned, but I'm feeling okay within myself and I think I'm functioning the day to day well and dipping my toes into the BLM land again. I'm not crippled with remembering or missing her and I know Elizabeth knows my heart. I'm trying to see the good things and not have the sadness surrounding her death taint everything in my life - I do have so much to be grateful for.
I am still learning to go with the flow when it comes to my feelings, so will ride this particular high for as long as it'll hold me, knowing full well that all things change eventually.
I was very reluctant to embrace these new feelings of relief to begin with, fighting all these emotions and actually finding it very difficult to know what they all were. It was like the emotions were all shouting at me, but I couldn't focus on a single voice and so couldn't make out any of them in the deafening noise. So, I just buried my head in the sand and got on with doing and planning things and gave my emotions the middle finger - I knew it would all come to the surface again and I'd have to deal with it them later.
Anyway, a lot has happened in the past two weeks, the main focus being family issues with A's sister and her husband - the result of events happened being we want to hurt/kill/chop his bits off! He has been a fucking bastard and my heart goes out to her and their daughter. It is just a really bad situation and has taken up a lot of mental energy thinking how she is to best get through this.
There has also been other news of new pregnancies to get my head around. It was hard at first, but can honestly say I can't be happier for them and totally have my fingers crossed for them.
Then there is all the juggling and planning of the small things:
- Getting my haircut - A. booked it for me, with his male hairdresser and I was surprised at how gentle and attentive he was to me. Plus my hair looks good when I can be arsed to blow dry it and its too short to just be tied back now. Thank you A.
- Starting back at Yoga - wow did I ache, but I am so glad I have started again and will continue too. It was also lovely to share Elizabeth with my teacher, who didn't shy away from wanting to know all about her; I felt like a proud Ma again. Thank you J.
- Group meetings - I am always surprised how light I feel after being able to talk openly with others who are in the same boat, I am forging new friendships there and it is a lovely feeling.
- Music gigs of both Lamb and L.Cole - I L.O.V.E Lamb and saw them this time last year; my ears were ringing all night and my throat horse. L.C; was for A. and that was an experience in itself (not my cup of tea).
- Arranging meals out and/or getaways/cards and remembrance for anniversaries and birthdays - there are lots coming up; Taggpole's due-date, Step-dad's birthday, our wedding anniversary, my birthday, friends birthdays and house warming gatherings and there is Elizabeth's six months just days away.
- Meetings with J - it is always good talking with her and always great seeing another perspective from someone who doesn't fully 'get it', yet tries so hard.
- Hospital and acupuncture appointments - Dr Thyroid says levels couldn't be better and my thyroid dose is spot on. Yeah! The weekly harpooning appointments are getting more attentive too.
- Ignoring Valentines Day - not so much making it a day for cards or big gestures, but making quality time with each other; which is a little tough seeing as he is working nights and is furiously studying for an important exam at the end of the week.
- All the TTCing - yes, it does need careful planning too when he is working all those night shifts.
- Having my days merge into each other - again down to the three weeks of the nights.
- Catching up with TV - lots of new series are back on and am getting square eyes and a flat butt.
- Going clothes shopping - I must have chucked a third of my wardrobe out and was left with every little to wear and with the changing seasons I seriously needed more clothes; Oh I love the Gap and it was a really good shopping trip.
- Gearing up for visitors from home - my Pa and M are visiting for all of April. A mix of excitement and dread; with excitement winning I think.
- Dealing with little contact from my family - talking to some is quite hard; its as if we're on two different planets and there is no middle ground and so I keep them at arms length for now.
- Arranging penny pinching outings for me to do - going to VG lots, booking free tickets to silly things, being a part of TV shows audiences, exploring new suburbs and just getting out and about into the fresh air.
- Looking into job opportunities and different avenues - setting up job alerts, joining a 'mystery shopping' agency, looking into on-line surveys and volunteer work, and updating my CV(still).
- Oh, and reading fiction books and giving myself a break from the whole BLM on-line community for a little bit.
I think the last one has been a relief for me, in limiting the amount of time I spend in other people's worlds and just concentrating on my own for awhile. While it is true that I have gained a new perspective from reading new blogs, it is all tinged with the sadness of losing a beloved baby and sometimes I just need to shut all of it out.
I have barely enough energy for my own emotions and by that I mean my grief. I'm not saying that I shut Elizabeth out of my mind; quite the contrary, its not with the heavy heart that I remember or miss her with just now. I'm not sure if this is a new corner that I have turned, but I'm feeling okay within myself and I think I'm functioning the day to day well and dipping my toes into the BLM land again. I'm not crippled with remembering or missing her and I know Elizabeth knows my heart. I'm trying to see the good things and not have the sadness surrounding her death taint everything in my life - I do have so much to be grateful for.
I am still learning to go with the flow when it comes to my feelings, so will ride this particular high for as long as it'll hold me, knowing full well that all things change eventually.
Tuesday, February 8
A Strange Sense of Deja Vu?
The leaves on the tree outside the bedroom window are dropping, so when the sun comes up in the morning there are rainbows from the cut glass windows showing themselves on our bed. The nights are drawing in and the days are more often grey. They are cooler too and find myself wearing more layers, those same clothes that would fit comfortably over my blossoming bump.
It is fast becoming the sixth month of remembering, and the seasons are changing back again. It is hitting me with such force of deja vu; I recognise the trees without their leaves, the way the light has changed when I wake up and the need of an extra blanket at night.
But then I think back and those feelings are so very different.
I think to the time when I noticed the leaves were budding on the trees and know that was those first few days after returning home without Elizabeth; curled up in a sobbing ball on the bed staring out of the window, wondering why anything was thriving when my daughter wasn't. Such changes, such profound changes....
I am then caught going back further to those wonderful thoughts of what it was like to be anticipating Elizabeth's arrival, all those hopes and dreams, flurries of activity, the innocence and blissful ignorance for life 'before'. Oh, how I look back at those times with such aching fondness and I know I'll never have those times again, so I cherish them close to me now. If only I could substitute those bright memories for the fatal flashbacks; I seem to be getting a lot of them recently. Thinking about it now, I can't see the trigger to them; they pop out of nowhere in the most innocent of situations.
I am taking the first steps of this new action plan - getting me back on a track of life. It seems like lots of small steps; doing little things for me and for A. but mainly working towards getting me in a better place. I don't think the big changes are quite within my grasp just yet, I haven't the first clue about what I actually want to do job-wise, but am updating my CV which is a start.
I have also been cooking, baking and making in the kitchen (although making cookie dough to freeze and eat, can't really be called 'baking') and have carefully decided what day I will to return to Yoga (it clashed with acupuncture this week). I am also scouring the internet for some sort of swimming/aqua-fit classes, it is a daunting thing to be quite frank; not having a clue about all these places and I just have to dive in and hope that I don't get put off by anything on the way. Thanks for the encouraging comments about starting to exercise again, in openly 'talking' about it, it has moved forward from just planning.
I have come to realise that feeling okay in the day to day isn't a bad thing and certainly not something to feel guilty about. Elizabeth knows my heart and that will never change - on so many levels. I am feeling better able to cope and I can/do appreciate the seemingly easy days. It is good to look back and see just how far I've come from those dark, raw days and be able to see healing and progress into this new life. And I do look at the near naked trees with anticipation and hope again.
It is fast becoming the sixth month of remembering, and the seasons are changing back again. It is hitting me with such force of deja vu; I recognise the trees without their leaves, the way the light has changed when I wake up and the need of an extra blanket at night.
But then I think back and those feelings are so very different.
I think to the time when I noticed the leaves were budding on the trees and know that was those first few days after returning home without Elizabeth; curled up in a sobbing ball on the bed staring out of the window, wondering why anything was thriving when my daughter wasn't. Such changes, such profound changes....
I am then caught going back further to those wonderful thoughts of what it was like to be anticipating Elizabeth's arrival, all those hopes and dreams, flurries of activity, the innocence and blissful ignorance for life 'before'. Oh, how I look back at those times with such aching fondness and I know I'll never have those times again, so I cherish them close to me now. If only I could substitute those bright memories for the fatal flashbacks; I seem to be getting a lot of them recently. Thinking about it now, I can't see the trigger to them; they pop out of nowhere in the most innocent of situations.
I am taking the first steps of this new action plan - getting me back on a track of life. It seems like lots of small steps; doing little things for me and for A. but mainly working towards getting me in a better place. I don't think the big changes are quite within my grasp just yet, I haven't the first clue about what I actually want to do job-wise, but am updating my CV which is a start.
I have also been cooking, baking and making in the kitchen (although making cookie dough to freeze and eat, can't really be called 'baking') and have carefully decided what day I will to return to Yoga (it clashed with acupuncture this week). I am also scouring the internet for some sort of swimming/aqua-fit classes, it is a daunting thing to be quite frank; not having a clue about all these places and I just have to dive in and hope that I don't get put off by anything on the way. Thanks for the encouraging comments about starting to exercise again, in openly 'talking' about it, it has moved forward from just planning.
I have come to realise that feeling okay in the day to day isn't a bad thing and certainly not something to feel guilty about. Elizabeth knows my heart and that will never change - on so many levels. I am feeling better able to cope and I can/do appreciate the seemingly easy days. It is good to look back and see just how far I've come from those dark, raw days and be able to see healing and progress into this new life. And I do look at the near naked trees with anticipation and hope again.
Sunday, February 6
Marking Time
I feel as if I'm marking time now.
Just waiting to live again and it all hinges on getting pregnant.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into swimming and yoga; getting myself fit again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into the swing of heading out into the world, meeting new people and not being afraid of bumping into all the old triggers; mainly bumps and babes.
Once I'm pregnant I'll have something to smile about and a purpose again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll make a proper routine for myself; work and down times.
Once I'm pregnant I'll take more interest in getting creative, cooking, looking after and bettering myself.
Once I'm pregnant I can start planning for a bright future again.
Who knows what I'll could be feeling about all of the above when and if I do get pregnant and this attitude is just getting me nowhere fast right now. The more I want to be pregnant, the more stress and pressure I'm putting on myself and that sure doesn't help with the getting pregnant bit.
I think this spate of unease is triggered by the fact that I need to find structure to my day and the fact that I need something else to consider other than this grief. I am feeling this unease due to restlessness, frustration, boredom and a whole lot more frustration - that I can't move on with my life until I am pregnant and of course I have no control over that. But what if I can remove the goal posts and I take the whole pregnancy thing out of the equation? I have this whole list of things that I want to do and have control over, so why not just get myself out there and do?
I know that finding a job has got to be on the cards also, I can't just keep putting that off. Since moving over seas a year and a half ago, I have always thought that I'd be a stay at home Ma - two pregnancies down and no children to stay at home with; I know I should get my arse into gear and get a job (and by a job I just mean something that I quite enjoy and pays the bills; I'm not really needing a career).
The thought of 'what if I never get pregnant?' is running around my head, it is unrelenting these past few days and I'm scared that I'll always be marking time. I don't want to just be waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen to and for me. I want to live, I want to better myself and be included in the world - I can't just give up, I can't just wither and end up a shell of the woman I was...
I don't want the death of my beloved daughter, to be the death of me too.
I need a plan of action and that is me sewing the seeds
Just waiting to live again and it all hinges on getting pregnant.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into swimming and yoga; getting myself fit again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into the swing of heading out into the world, meeting new people and not being afraid of bumping into all the old triggers; mainly bumps and babes.
Once I'm pregnant I'll have something to smile about and a purpose again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll make a proper routine for myself; work and down times.
Once I'm pregnant I'll take more interest in getting creative, cooking, looking after and bettering myself.
Once I'm pregnant I can start planning for a bright future again.
Who knows what I'll could be feeling about all of the above when and if I do get pregnant and this attitude is just getting me nowhere fast right now. The more I want to be pregnant, the more stress and pressure I'm putting on myself and that sure doesn't help with the getting pregnant bit.
I think this spate of unease is triggered by the fact that I need to find structure to my day and the fact that I need something else to consider other than this grief. I am feeling this unease due to restlessness, frustration, boredom and a whole lot more frustration - that I can't move on with my life until I am pregnant and of course I have no control over that. But what if I can remove the goal posts and I take the whole pregnancy thing out of the equation? I have this whole list of things that I want to do and have control over, so why not just get myself out there and do?
I know that finding a job has got to be on the cards also, I can't just keep putting that off. Since moving over seas a year and a half ago, I have always thought that I'd be a stay at home Ma - two pregnancies down and no children to stay at home with; I know I should get my arse into gear and get a job (and by a job I just mean something that I quite enjoy and pays the bills; I'm not really needing a career).
The thought of 'what if I never get pregnant?' is running around my head, it is unrelenting these past few days and I'm scared that I'll always be marking time. I don't want to just be waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen to and for me. I want to live, I want to better myself and be included in the world - I can't just give up, I can't just wither and end up a shell of the woman I was...
I don't want the death of my beloved daughter, to be the death of me too.
I need a plan of action and that is me sewing the seeds
Saturday, February 5
Wake Up Call
I've got to get my arse out of this funk!
I really have to work at this, as it is clear that its not going to go anywhere without a lot effort.
How many ways can I feel sorry for myself?
How many ways can I say how unfair life is?
How many ways can I feel 'woe is me', life isn't worth living?
In short there are numerous ways, but it ain't going to change a single fucking thing!!
I need to get my head into a happier and healthier place, not only for me but for those who I care for too. I have to change this perceived view on everything, I have to find hope again. I have to think out of this self imposed box I've created and I have to start dreaming of a bright future again.
I know that fresh realisations have hit me hard in the last week or so, but it still doesn't change the reality of those facts; they are just the same. I need to get into my head that I have to change/alter my reactions to these new emotions and not to just to bury my head in the sand and think 'woe is me'. I know it is the easiest way of not dealing with these things, but honestly it is not helping anyone - least of all me.
So what am I going to do about dragging my arse up into the living world?
Well, I have to take a step back from my norm, broaden my horizons and invite new things into my life. I also need to take the onus off what I have lost and concentrate on all the goodness in my life - that in itself is an overwhelming thought, as I do have so much to be thankful for.
I have started by reading more blogs of BLM's who are in a better place; in short they are pregnant and have that bright future to look forward to. I've not wanted to read any of those blogs before now, reason being jealously is a green eyed, hurtful monster - BUT I want to know there are happy times ahead and feel I need to read about it all now. I want to read of their hopes and feed off their positive writings. In short I want to be in their shoes, both mentally and physically. I only have so much control over the getting pregnant bit, the rest is up to the total randomness, but I do have a certain amount of control over how I react to my feelings.
I am needing positive reinforcement right now and I'm not just talking a chocolate muffin after writing this! Positive thoughts produce positive actions and behaviours and I want that to be my default setting. I had always thought myself as a positive person before Elizabeth died, and I guess I'm trying to find that part of me again - I do hate to know that I've been dragging others down with my low moods...
I know it is all part of grief with the highs and lows, but this prolonged black period just now has me seriously questioning myself; I need to act and do something about this now.
Right now I am thankful for the fact that I can see this, I have the foresight to be able to pin these feelings down and to want to do something about all the negatives on my plate. I am relieved to know it is all in the way I choose to see things and can choose to see the same images in a different light; I can focus on different aspects of the picture and come away feeling quite different.
Just some of the things that I am grateful for, in no particular order:
The love of my wonderful husband
Meeting my beautiful daughter and knowing this mother's love
Having very few material and external worries (work, money, house comforts)
Having good general health and no lasting issues
A family who loves me and wants to help and support me as much as they can
Knowing how utterly awesome being pregnant is
Having the freedom to do what I want
All the traveling I have done, the wonders that I have seen
Knowing and loving such a diverse array of people in my life
Unexpected support, compassion, understanding and out pouring of love of complete strangers - they are no longer strangers to me, but part of my closest circle - I wouldn't know where I'd be if it were not for them.
This is a start and one that I will keep adding to, I can't loss sight of all the good and great things in my life; I must strive to live after the death of my daughter, all the while keeping her memory alive and close to me.
I really have to work at this, as it is clear that its not going to go anywhere without a lot effort.
How many ways can I feel sorry for myself?
How many ways can I say how unfair life is?
How many ways can I feel 'woe is me', life isn't worth living?
In short there are numerous ways, but it ain't going to change a single fucking thing!!
I need to get my head into a happier and healthier place, not only for me but for those who I care for too. I have to change this perceived view on everything, I have to find hope again. I have to think out of this self imposed box I've created and I have to start dreaming of a bright future again.
I know that fresh realisations have hit me hard in the last week or so, but it still doesn't change the reality of those facts; they are just the same. I need to get into my head that I have to change/alter my reactions to these new emotions and not to just to bury my head in the sand and think 'woe is me'. I know it is the easiest way of not dealing with these things, but honestly it is not helping anyone - least of all me.
So what am I going to do about dragging my arse up into the living world?
Well, I have to take a step back from my norm, broaden my horizons and invite new things into my life. I also need to take the onus off what I have lost and concentrate on all the goodness in my life - that in itself is an overwhelming thought, as I do have so much to be thankful for.
I have started by reading more blogs of BLM's who are in a better place; in short they are pregnant and have that bright future to look forward to. I've not wanted to read any of those blogs before now, reason being jealously is a green eyed, hurtful monster - BUT I want to know there are happy times ahead and feel I need to read about it all now. I want to read of their hopes and feed off their positive writings. In short I want to be in their shoes, both mentally and physically. I only have so much control over the getting pregnant bit, the rest is up to the total randomness, but I do have a certain amount of control over how I react to my feelings.
I am needing positive reinforcement right now and I'm not just talking a chocolate muffin after writing this! Positive thoughts produce positive actions and behaviours and I want that to be my default setting. I had always thought myself as a positive person before Elizabeth died, and I guess I'm trying to find that part of me again - I do hate to know that I've been dragging others down with my low moods...
I know it is all part of grief with the highs and lows, but this prolonged black period just now has me seriously questioning myself; I need to act and do something about this now.
Right now I am thankful for the fact that I can see this, I have the foresight to be able to pin these feelings down and to want to do something about all the negatives on my plate. I am relieved to know it is all in the way I choose to see things and can choose to see the same images in a different light; I can focus on different aspects of the picture and come away feeling quite different.
Just some of the things that I am grateful for, in no particular order:
The love of my wonderful husband
Meeting my beautiful daughter and knowing this mother's love
Having very few material and external worries (work, money, house comforts)
Having good general health and no lasting issues
A family who loves me and wants to help and support me as much as they can
Knowing how utterly awesome being pregnant is
Having the freedom to do what I want
All the traveling I have done, the wonders that I have seen
Knowing and loving such a diverse array of people in my life
Unexpected support, compassion, understanding and out pouring of love of complete strangers - they are no longer strangers to me, but part of my closest circle - I wouldn't know where I'd be if it were not for them.
This is a start and one that I will keep adding to, I can't loss sight of all the good and great things in my life; I must strive to live after the death of my daughter, all the while keeping her memory alive and close to me.
Wednesday, February 2
Disillusionment...
...a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.
I am early for the hair appointment and am sat in the car with my pad.
I am feeling so off and tired and my heart is unbearably heavy
I almost cry watching a little old man wait until the coast is clear before reaching down to pick up old fag buts off the ground - I just want to charge out to him, go out to comfort him, maybe buy him a pack so he doesn't have to do that.
I am sick of all the hurting in the world
I am sick of always having this ache in my chest
This dark whole (hole?) that is so full of the hurting and pain
But its not just my own that I carry around with me
it feels like the whole worlds that I have taken up
These grief goggles have made me see all the suffering there is
Everyone suffers; everyone has their own worst days
Everyone has their own dark holes full of such pain and sorrows
I am now aware of and can see this suffering around me
But if I close off my heart to all of this, does it help me?
Will I not become the ignorant person with the blinkers on?
This is becoming a burden ; it is weighing me down, I feel sunk
I hate that I am like a sponge in that respect, just soaking up all the perceived pain, sorrow and suffering that I see.
I know it is a state of mind - so why do I see it as such?
I am sure there is also light in other peoples lives too
Why can I not concentrate on that?
Or am I projecting all my own sorrows onto their lives and really it is just me who sees it all through these grief goggles?
Something has to give - I can not carry on like this
It has been days where I am inconsolable and just want to snap out of it now; I am just so sick and tired of it.
No motivation, hope, happiness, future...
Where are you gone?
I really need to snap out of this funk!
I am ultra sensitive to everything around me and I just want to shut myself away, hide until I am healed and able to see the world in its full wonder:
All the hurt and pain
All the joy and happiness
All the suffering and heartache
All those tender moments of love
I sit in the window with my big pot of tea, I am watching the world go by with my pen at my pad.
Why does the young mother with her son sit on just the other side of the glass?
Do I get up and move?
Do I put my head down, not to look out of the window in front of me?
Do I put the blinkers on and just not see them?
Do I just hide inside my own head and thoughts, glued to this spot?
Is it the fact that I have had all of what I see in front, whipped away from me?
Is it the fact that I'd do anything to get it back again?
The world is unfair, it is fucked up and it is hateful!
Is it the closeness of mother and child that I can't watch without hurting?
Is it the fact that her son is alive, thriving, growing, smiling, feeding...
This is the crux of the matter; I don't want her baby, I want my Elizabeth
Seeing all this highlights what I should have, would have
All I've lost and want more than anything
I want to watch Elizabeth's toes wiggle as she feeds
Her toes were bigger, longer than his; her toenails longer and darker...
And people wonder why I stay in?! They wonder if I'm becoming a hermit and exclaim when I say I'm hibernating! I'm just trying to find a metaphor for what I feel like being a BLM when I come across these things and it is always with me, but rears its ugly head when confronted in these ways. I guess its like a deep unquenchable thirst and I'm lost in a world full of sea, without a drop of drinking water.
It is craving the unobtainable
Questioning the unanswerable
Wanting what is ultimately gone forever
Another pregnancy would bring another child (if I was that lucky)
It would make the world see that I am a mother on the outside, as well as the inside too
I would be actively mothering an infant and I'd have purpose
I'd have reason to get up and strive again
I would put all these instincts to some use and I'd have a visible out pouring for this love I have.
But it wont ever bring Elizabeth back to me.
Nothing can cure this wanting I have for my first born and just makes all this wanting and needing for another, seem worthless - why put so much energy into trying to change this want; it is not going anywhere and will not change at will! Why do I want to just shift the goal posts, just swap one want by overwhelming it with another? This is so fucked up!!
I am nowhere near coming to terms with Elizabeth's death.
And that is one hard and stark sentence to put together.
So with that blue eyed babe on the other side of the glass looking intently at me, I hide my head in my hands and cry unreservedly. This being a time when the overwhelming sadness comes and there is nothing I can do to gulp them down; they come, and I hide.
But on some level, am I not daring or willing someone to ask me or even comfort me when I am crying? Am I not inviting anyone to notice and give a shit? I guess that is why I do look people in the eye now; always looking out for tears in their eyes - just so I might be able to offer a sign, a show of compassion that I'd like in return with my own...
Numb again, and I've just noticed a man with an unbelievably huge head and orange hair - not dissimilar from a giant carrot!! How did I miss him?
I am early for the hair appointment and am sat in the car with my pad.
I am feeling so off and tired and my heart is unbearably heavy
I almost cry watching a little old man wait until the coast is clear before reaching down to pick up old fag buts off the ground - I just want to charge out to him, go out to comfort him, maybe buy him a pack so he doesn't have to do that.
I am sick of all the hurting in the world
I am sick of always having this ache in my chest
This dark whole (hole?) that is so full of the hurting and pain
But its not just my own that I carry around with me
it feels like the whole worlds that I have taken up
These grief goggles have made me see all the suffering there is
Everyone suffers; everyone has their own worst days
Everyone has their own dark holes full of such pain and sorrows
I am now aware of and can see this suffering around me
But if I close off my heart to all of this, does it help me?
Will I not become the ignorant person with the blinkers on?
This is becoming a burden ; it is weighing me down, I feel sunk
I hate that I am like a sponge in that respect, just soaking up all the perceived pain, sorrow and suffering that I see.
I know it is a state of mind - so why do I see it as such?
I am sure there is also light in other peoples lives too
Why can I not concentrate on that?
Or am I projecting all my own sorrows onto their lives and really it is just me who sees it all through these grief goggles?
Something has to give - I can not carry on like this
It has been days where I am inconsolable and just want to snap out of it now; I am just so sick and tired of it.
No motivation, hope, happiness, future...
Where are you gone?
I really need to snap out of this funk!
I am ultra sensitive to everything around me and I just want to shut myself away, hide until I am healed and able to see the world in its full wonder:
All the hurt and pain
All the joy and happiness
All the suffering and heartache
All those tender moments of love
I sit in the window with my big pot of tea, I am watching the world go by with my pen at my pad.
Why does the young mother with her son sit on just the other side of the glass?
Do I get up and move?
Do I put my head down, not to look out of the window in front of me?
Do I put the blinkers on and just not see them?
Do I just hide inside my own head and thoughts, glued to this spot?
Is it the fact that I have had all of what I see in front, whipped away from me?
Is it the fact that I'd do anything to get it back again?
The world is unfair, it is fucked up and it is hateful!
Is it the closeness of mother and child that I can't watch without hurting?
Is it the fact that her son is alive, thriving, growing, smiling, feeding...
This is the crux of the matter; I don't want her baby, I want my Elizabeth
Seeing all this highlights what I should have, would have
All I've lost and want more than anything
I want to watch Elizabeth's toes wiggle as she feeds
Her toes were bigger, longer than his; her toenails longer and darker...
And people wonder why I stay in?! They wonder if I'm becoming a hermit and exclaim when I say I'm hibernating! I'm just trying to find a metaphor for what I feel like being a BLM when I come across these things and it is always with me, but rears its ugly head when confronted in these ways. I guess its like a deep unquenchable thirst and I'm lost in a world full of sea, without a drop of drinking water.
It is craving the unobtainable
Questioning the unanswerable
Wanting what is ultimately gone forever
Another pregnancy would bring another child (if I was that lucky)
It would make the world see that I am a mother on the outside, as well as the inside too
I would be actively mothering an infant and I'd have purpose
I'd have reason to get up and strive again
I would put all these instincts to some use and I'd have a visible out pouring for this love I have.
But it wont ever bring Elizabeth back to me.
Nothing can cure this wanting I have for my first born and just makes all this wanting and needing for another, seem worthless - why put so much energy into trying to change this want; it is not going anywhere and will not change at will! Why do I want to just shift the goal posts, just swap one want by overwhelming it with another? This is so fucked up!!
I am nowhere near coming to terms with Elizabeth's death.
And that is one hard and stark sentence to put together.
So with that blue eyed babe on the other side of the glass looking intently at me, I hide my head in my hands and cry unreservedly. This being a time when the overwhelming sadness comes and there is nothing I can do to gulp them down; they come, and I hide.
But on some level, am I not daring or willing someone to ask me or even comfort me when I am crying? Am I not inviting anyone to notice and give a shit? I guess that is why I do look people in the eye now; always looking out for tears in their eyes - just so I might be able to offer a sign, a show of compassion that I'd like in return with my own...
Numb again, and I've just noticed a man with an unbelievably huge head and orange hair - not dissimilar from a giant carrot!! How did I miss him?
Friday, January 28
The F Vent
I can't sleep. It is half four in the morning and I've been awake for the past two.
A. and I were talking though some stuff until past midnight and I can see Friday morphing into one long fucking day.
There is a big fuck-off moth in the kitchen, bouncing about the lights in the ceiling - getting nowhere and that is what the thoughts are doing in my head right now...
Thud, thud, thud, settle...
Thud, thud, thud.
The more I think about the things on my mind, the further I get from sleep and the madder I get with these people and their insensitive words. I read two mails and they have sank in I want to hurt as physically as I hurt on the inside - I need to show how this hurts me... Not quite figured that one out, but need to get it down and out of my head anyway.
I am so very careful what I write to people; I'm mostly talking about family here and have been doing an awful lot of it too. When they enquire in a mail 'how are you?' (surprisingly not that often), I try hard to be honest and not just to say 'bad/good day'. I want to be understood on some level, I want them to know that things will not go back to a 'normal'; I am changed, as is my whole outlook on life. And of course my main aim is my want to share Elizabeth, for them to know her, help me remember her and to keep her in their hearts and minds.
So I am very careful when writing my mails and I do compose them. I am very deliberate in choosing the words I do and never use the words:
anniversary - I always say her birth day,
death/died - just can't put my daughter's name and those together
gone - she is always on my mind and is always so very present in many ways
lost - no, I didn't lose her at the mall, she is always with me
God/angels/heaven/all religion/prayers/karma/fate - all bullocks; I don't believe.
And to the neighbour I talked to for the first time two days ago and shared Elizabeth with you - I certainly won't mention my thoughts for another pregnancy with you - who the fuck talks about my family, or lack therefor and in the same breath wants to know if we're having sex? I am English and that may predispose me as prude of sorts, but in my book that just isn't any body's fucking business! Private.
And so my cousin is out of the closet with her pregnancy at last, she must have past that magic safety milestone of 12 weeks. My Ma mails me and says she knows that I know and she was knocked for six. She goes on to tell me how its affected her; 'not envy or anything straightforward. More like terror. Or anger. I want to know nothing about it'...
I think she may understand a fraction of my pain? But tell me why didn't she see this when she could visibly see me cowering at the mall at all the babies & bumps, when Elizabeth would have been 6 weeks old? I wonder if my cousin has said anything about her baby's twin? Good luck baby.
Oh, I want to shout at them all, let them know how their words have put further salt to all these wounds - but something tells me not to waste my breath. I receive mails back and they are in noway as censored as mine are going out, which only serves as a reminder that A. and I are not as understood as I had painstakingly hoped to conveyed. It doesn't matter how much of our lives I share with them, they will only see what they want to see and read. It makes me sad that they do not want to know us, or the depth of our love and conversely our pain. It really makes me wonder why I bother sometimes...
But then I do remember and I fucking dig my heels in further - I will tell them of my daughter, I will not give up on her and I will keep on writing and remembering her...
I have just received another mail and it validates that last sentence so fully - there are people out there; family who do care and want to know and understand more about us. C's kind, compassionate words, her gentle coxing and sincerity is heart warming. Her words are like beautiful music to my ears; this is why sharing my precious daughter is so worth all the hard work in the end. It really doesn't matter that it is just one out of a handful of replies; it is someone who has taken the time to be with me here - thank you dear C.
I have come full cycle this night and I am now tired and spent; although smiling
Good morning Y'all
A. and I were talking though some stuff until past midnight and I can see Friday morphing into one long fucking day.
There is a big fuck-off moth in the kitchen, bouncing about the lights in the ceiling - getting nowhere and that is what the thoughts are doing in my head right now...
Thud, thud, thud, settle...
Thud, thud, thud.
The more I think about the things on my mind, the further I get from sleep and the madder I get with these people and their insensitive words. I read two mails and they have sank in I want to hurt as physically as I hurt on the inside - I need to show how this hurts me... Not quite figured that one out, but need to get it down and out of my head anyway.
I am so very careful what I write to people; I'm mostly talking about family here and have been doing an awful lot of it too. When they enquire in a mail 'how are you?' (surprisingly not that often), I try hard to be honest and not just to say 'bad/good day'. I want to be understood on some level, I want them to know that things will not go back to a 'normal'; I am changed, as is my whole outlook on life. And of course my main aim is my want to share Elizabeth, for them to know her, help me remember her and to keep her in their hearts and minds.
So I am very careful when writing my mails and I do compose them. I am very deliberate in choosing the words I do and never use the words:
anniversary - I always say her birth day,
death/died - just can't put my daughter's name and those together
gone - she is always on my mind and is always so very present in many ways
lost - no, I didn't lose her at the mall, she is always with me
God/angels/heaven/all religion/prayers/karma/fate - all bullocks; I don't believe.
And to the neighbour I talked to for the first time two days ago and shared Elizabeth with you - I certainly won't mention my thoughts for another pregnancy with you - who the fuck talks about my family, or lack therefor and in the same breath wants to know if we're having sex? I am English and that may predispose me as prude of sorts, but in my book that just isn't any body's fucking business! Private.
And so my cousin is out of the closet with her pregnancy at last, she must have past that magic safety milestone of 12 weeks. My Ma mails me and says she knows that I know and she was knocked for six. She goes on to tell me how its affected her; 'not envy or anything straightforward. More like terror. Or anger. I want to know nothing about it'...
I think she may understand a fraction of my pain? But tell me why didn't she see this when she could visibly see me cowering at the mall at all the babies & bumps, when Elizabeth would have been 6 weeks old? I wonder if my cousin has said anything about her baby's twin? Good luck baby.
Oh, I want to shout at them all, let them know how their words have put further salt to all these wounds - but something tells me not to waste my breath. I receive mails back and they are in noway as censored as mine are going out, which only serves as a reminder that A. and I are not as understood as I had painstakingly hoped to conveyed. It doesn't matter how much of our lives I share with them, they will only see what they want to see and read. It makes me sad that they do not want to know us, or the depth of our love and conversely our pain. It really makes me wonder why I bother sometimes...
But then I do remember and I fucking dig my heels in further - I will tell them of my daughter, I will not give up on her and I will keep on writing and remembering her...
I have just received another mail and it validates that last sentence so fully - there are people out there; family who do care and want to know and understand more about us. C's kind, compassionate words, her gentle coxing and sincerity is heart warming. Her words are like beautiful music to my ears; this is why sharing my precious daughter is so worth all the hard work in the end. It really doesn't matter that it is just one out of a handful of replies; it is someone who has taken the time to be with me here - thank you dear C.
I have come full cycle this night and I am now tired and spent; although smiling
Good morning Y'all
Wednesday, January 26
Truths
I don't go spending all my days, everyday trying to distract myself. Sometimes it may seem like it is my main objective looking on My Space - but it is not my every move. I guess I'm wanting to vary the things that I write about, I am conscious about sounding like a stuck record and need ways to think around life without Elizabeth. It would be so very easy just to document the ways in which I remember her, the ways in which I bring her up in conversation with others and how my mind is mostly orbiting around her - maybe I should concentrate on that for awhile?
I shared you with a neighbour today baby girl, I told her your name and how old you'd be, how I long to mother you and how dearly you are missed. Someone else knows of you now.
I light your candle on nights that I feel particularly alone and want to feel you with me; most nights.
Whenever I pass your open room, I see you.
How I always close every window on my laptop, just to see your changing photographs on my desktop.
I find immense comfort in your image that faces me as I lay my head to rest at night, just as comforting as the soft feel of your blanket.
I love the instant flash of memory that serves as a shield from the what-ifs; of your hair in the sunlight, spun gold...
I also talked with friends about how my perceptions on morality have altered, along with my priorities and outlook on life. Heavy stuff really for light chit chat over a hot brew in a busy cafe....
But these are my days, there is very little relief from the fact that I am living without my daughter; my first born and have to strive to find meaning to go on, to live and take part in that life again. In airing these thoughts I do realise how looking at the big picture is somewhat comforting; knowing I am not the only one who suffers - I am not alone and I wasn't chosen for this. This realisation doesn't come with great fanfare; it is quite and powerful and something that grows life...
I was aiming to write 'like a weed', but 'life' is much more apt.
I have forgotten where I was going with this post - perhaps nowhere, but just wanted to get down here that I'm not bottling everything up, I am being authentic to me and my emotions - I just wanted to share some different things here.
I shared you with a neighbour today baby girl, I told her your name and how old you'd be, how I long to mother you and how dearly you are missed. Someone else knows of you now.
I light your candle on nights that I feel particularly alone and want to feel you with me; most nights.
Whenever I pass your open room, I see you.
How I always close every window on my laptop, just to see your changing photographs on my desktop.
I find immense comfort in your image that faces me as I lay my head to rest at night, just as comforting as the soft feel of your blanket.
I love the instant flash of memory that serves as a shield from the what-ifs; of your hair in the sunlight, spun gold...
I also talked with friends about how my perceptions on morality have altered, along with my priorities and outlook on life. Heavy stuff really for light chit chat over a hot brew in a busy cafe....
But these are my days, there is very little relief from the fact that I am living without my daughter; my first born and have to strive to find meaning to go on, to live and take part in that life again. In airing these thoughts I do realise how looking at the big picture is somewhat comforting; knowing I am not the only one who suffers - I am not alone and I wasn't chosen for this. This realisation doesn't come with great fanfare; it is quite and powerful and something that grows life...
I was aiming to write 'like a weed', but 'life' is much more apt.
I have forgotten where I was going with this post - perhaps nowhere, but just wanted to get down here that I'm not bottling everything up, I am being authentic to me and my emotions - I just wanted to share some different things here.
Tuesday, January 25
Measuring Identity
There came in this mornings post a new book For A's birthday. It is right up my street and also light, easy reading, so I started it. I wanted to step out of my world of 'woe is me' and distract myself, but found that it just drew my attention to other areas of my life, affected by my loss that I'd never considered.
Here is a simple experimental method for measuring identity - a personal view of who we think we are. It is simple, all you need do is have these 10 minutes on the clock and complete the sentence "I am ..... as many times as the 10 minutes allow.
I'll put my answers in a comment below, I don't want to taint your answers.
You want to share yours?
Here is a simple experimental method for measuring identity - a personal view of who we think we are. It is simple, all you need do is have these 10 minutes on the clock and complete the sentence "I am ..... as many times as the 10 minutes allow.
I'll put my answers in a comment below, I don't want to taint your answers.
You want to share yours?
Sunday, January 23
Where Did All The Love Go?
I'm needing to step back from this world I'm in
I seem to be stuck in a world full of 'me', 'mine' and 'I'
'Woe is me, my baby died', 'I can't have', 'I've lost', 'I want...'
I've got to take a look at the bigger picture
I am a small cog in the this game of life.
I read Angie's most recent post on Glow; Enlightenment, while I have no common grounding with that post on reading it; no feelings of holiness, no collective loss on the whole to enable me to feel as if I'm just someone else who has lost my baby - but something obviously stuck with me, maybe the simplicity of the Buddhist folktale she recounted there, Kisa Gotami and the Mustard Seed.
Then today as I was waiting for the train to take me home, I was struck with two complete opposites; two families.
On my right was an older mother and her son. They were sat down quietly waiting as I was, chatting together and sharing jolly conversation. The son must have been 18-20 years old and it was obvious to my eyes that he was mentally disabled. I can't say I know the differing shades or spectrum of mental disabilities, he looked 'normal', but had this air of innocence and a beautiful young soul.
To my left was a family of four; mother and three sons, one of which was still in a pram. The two older boys were slurping from takeaway containers and eating sweets, the younger of the two was clearly a good few sizes bigger than his brother. They were running amok up and down the platform, acting up and mouthing back to their mother, I was quite shocked by the angry language she used to try and control them.
Such polar opposites and then there was me sat by myself in between them - in all my glorious babyloss loneliness. All the while I am caught trying not to stare at either side - the right side for the beauty of their relationship; the love, patience, the trust that is so easy to see, and the left for everything that I hope I would never do with any living children I'm blessed with.
The Buddhist folktale comes back to me then - I don't know the hardships the mother on the left has had to deal with, just as I don't with the other, but I feel we've got a duty to our children to do the very best we can for them. Maybe that is all the mother of her three sons can do and doesn't know any different...
At these times I think of how many hundreds of children around the world die every day, every week, every month - how many of them were truly loved, had a blossoming futures ahead of them, a wonderful family supporting and guiding them. My heart breaks when I think of them and I do feel so very, very sorry for the ones that don't and manage to keep their grip on life.
We are all mothers all three of us, but profoundly different. I'm not sure if I feel a connection to either mother; no common ground, but I do aspire to be more like the mother to my right.
I seem to be stuck in a world full of 'me', 'mine' and 'I'
'Woe is me, my baby died', 'I can't have', 'I've lost', 'I want...'
I've got to take a look at the bigger picture
I am a small cog in the this game of life.
I read Angie's most recent post on Glow; Enlightenment, while I have no common grounding with that post on reading it; no feelings of holiness, no collective loss on the whole to enable me to feel as if I'm just someone else who has lost my baby - but something obviously stuck with me, maybe the simplicity of the Buddhist folktale she recounted there, Kisa Gotami and the Mustard Seed.
Then today as I was waiting for the train to take me home, I was struck with two complete opposites; two families.
On my right was an older mother and her son. They were sat down quietly waiting as I was, chatting together and sharing jolly conversation. The son must have been 18-20 years old and it was obvious to my eyes that he was mentally disabled. I can't say I know the differing shades or spectrum of mental disabilities, he looked 'normal', but had this air of innocence and a beautiful young soul.
To my left was a family of four; mother and three sons, one of which was still in a pram. The two older boys were slurping from takeaway containers and eating sweets, the younger of the two was clearly a good few sizes bigger than his brother. They were running amok up and down the platform, acting up and mouthing back to their mother, I was quite shocked by the angry language she used to try and control them.
Such polar opposites and then there was me sat by myself in between them - in all my glorious babyloss loneliness. All the while I am caught trying not to stare at either side - the right side for the beauty of their relationship; the love, patience, the trust that is so easy to see, and the left for everything that I hope I would never do with any living children I'm blessed with.
The Buddhist folktale comes back to me then - I don't know the hardships the mother on the left has had to deal with, just as I don't with the other, but I feel we've got a duty to our children to do the very best we can for them. Maybe that is all the mother of her three sons can do and doesn't know any different...
At these times I think of how many hundreds of children around the world die every day, every week, every month - how many of them were truly loved, had a blossoming futures ahead of them, a wonderful family supporting and guiding them. My heart breaks when I think of them and I do feel so very, very sorry for the ones that don't and manage to keep their grip on life.
We are all mothers all three of us, but profoundly different. I'm not sure if I feel a connection to either mother; no common ground, but I do aspire to be more like the mother to my right.
Friday, January 21
Updates & Rubbish
Taken from notes in the coffee shop, yesterday.
So what do I attribute the OV on CD10 to then?
My screwy hormones, the herbs, acupuncture, thyroid function or it being just early this time - regardless it came out of the blue and wasn't at all prepared for it then.
Why is it hard to just write? Its a little loud in here, but nothing I can't block out.
After all the events of the past couple of days, the sheer strength of emotions - I'm feeling quite content to just be without going into any of it in depth. So what happened? Where to start?
OV on CD10 took the all the positive wind from my sails, which of course I was away and didn't find out until I got back and it went straight from CD14 to DPO4 - go figure?
Thyroid function bloods came back super low and I'm on medication again. I was livid that my GP had no space to see me for a week, but then the next day managed to find a cancellation for that afternoon and she is in touch with the team in the city and I'm just waiting for an appointment with them now.
Had a massive blowout with A. which felt like the end of the world, again. But as it happens everything is hunky dory now with the added extra of a fresh emphasis and understanding of an old pact we made some weeks back: No matter what is said or heard (that is just as important in my case), we must keep at the front of our minds that we only want what is best for each other, even though sometimes that maybe quite different from what is best for the 'us'. To know deep down that we love each other dearly and wouldn't ever intend to hurt one another.
That is so much easier to say, than to remember when hearing hearing words that strip away the ground you walk on, from the one that you trust, love and respect in all the world! It is easier to listen with your head and I found out the hard way that I needed to listen with my heart just as much.
That was the first major meltdown between us since Elizabeth's birth. I have changed a lot; wiping the slate clean without having to really process it at all, without the grudge holding/resentment/moodiness of being hard done by - I guess that just pales in comparison to losing Elizabeth. But there is something else that may have enabled me to bounce back so quickly and reconnect with A. and have renewed hope; a sign.
The signs that mean the most - maybe like Elizabeth's pregnancy. I don't know, but I've found something to rest upon and gives immeasurable comfort and it is so really very silly, but will share it. A news paper article. Those who've read from the start here will know that it was an article that gave me confidence with Elizabeth and that was my 2010 horoscope - written in The Bullshit Stars post. Well this article presented itself to me as I was laying flowers down at our usual spot in Victoria Gardens. VG has just had its summer manicure and looks lovely, although a storm in the last few weeks has brought down the beautiful big old willow tree that stands at the water's edge.
Anyway, I sneaked down and was securing the big purple and orange bunch of flowers to the palm when I notice some rubbish, just a single front and back page of the local rag and was going to take that with me along with the rest of the flower wrappings; I stopped when I noticed the pictures on the page...
It is dated Dec 31st 2010 and my first thoughts was - Yeah, thanks for that, just what I needed to see on laying flowers for my two babies who aren't with me; more babies...
But on looking at the massive words; 'Hello Baby - What do we want for our newest babies in 2011?' It hit me like a sledgehammer!! Wow!!
I draw attention to the first baby on the page; James. That is also A's middle name and one that I have always loved (thankfully no one else has it within the family) and knew it would be a contender if Elizabeth had been a boy, but was forgotten at 12 weeks due to finding out her sex (CVS). I happen to know another dear BLM who has had her heart set on another name on that page...
Think what you may, but I choose to believe that this solitary page of paper is the biggest sign that I'll get; to take home a live, healthy and happy baby in 2011! I choose to to see this as something tangible to pin my hopes on - I don't care how silly it sounds (and I know A. finds it ridiculous) and you know what, I don't give a flying fuck where the comfort and confidence comes from; its all I need and boy (pun intended) I could do with every ounce of it I can lay my hands on.
I am feeling more optimistic about things happening. I know its not going to change a single damned thing with a pregnancy, apart from my mindset and I welcome that.
So what do I attribute the OV on CD10 to then?
My screwy hormones, the herbs, acupuncture, thyroid function or it being just early this time - regardless it came out of the blue and wasn't at all prepared for it then.
Why is it hard to just write? Its a little loud in here, but nothing I can't block out.
After all the events of the past couple of days, the sheer strength of emotions - I'm feeling quite content to just be without going into any of it in depth. So what happened? Where to start?
OV on CD10 took the all the positive wind from my sails, which of course I was away and didn't find out until I got back and it went straight from CD14 to DPO4 - go figure?
Thyroid function bloods came back super low and I'm on medication again. I was livid that my GP had no space to see me for a week, but then the next day managed to find a cancellation for that afternoon and she is in touch with the team in the city and I'm just waiting for an appointment with them now.
Had a massive blowout with A. which felt like the end of the world, again. But as it happens everything is hunky dory now with the added extra of a fresh emphasis and understanding of an old pact we made some weeks back: No matter what is said or heard (that is just as important in my case), we must keep at the front of our minds that we only want what is best for each other, even though sometimes that maybe quite different from what is best for the 'us'. To know deep down that we love each other dearly and wouldn't ever intend to hurt one another.
That is so much easier to say, than to remember when hearing hearing words that strip away the ground you walk on, from the one that you trust, love and respect in all the world! It is easier to listen with your head and I found out the hard way that I needed to listen with my heart just as much.
That was the first major meltdown between us since Elizabeth's birth. I have changed a lot; wiping the slate clean without having to really process it at all, without the grudge holding/resentment/moodiness of being hard done by - I guess that just pales in comparison to losing Elizabeth. But there is something else that may have enabled me to bounce back so quickly and reconnect with A. and have renewed hope; a sign.
The signs that mean the most - maybe like Elizabeth's pregnancy. I don't know, but I've found something to rest upon and gives immeasurable comfort and it is so really very silly, but will share it. A news paper article. Those who've read from the start here will know that it was an article that gave me confidence with Elizabeth and that was my 2010 horoscope - written in The Bullshit Stars post. Well this article presented itself to me as I was laying flowers down at our usual spot in Victoria Gardens. VG has just had its summer manicure and looks lovely, although a storm in the last few weeks has brought down the beautiful big old willow tree that stands at the water's edge.
Anyway, I sneaked down and was securing the big purple and orange bunch of flowers to the palm when I notice some rubbish, just a single front and back page of the local rag and was going to take that with me along with the rest of the flower wrappings; I stopped when I noticed the pictures on the page...
It is dated Dec 31st 2010 and my first thoughts was - Yeah, thanks for that, just what I needed to see on laying flowers for my two babies who aren't with me; more babies...
But on looking at the massive words; 'Hello Baby - What do we want for our newest babies in 2011?' It hit me like a sledgehammer!! Wow!!
I draw attention to the first baby on the page; James. That is also A's middle name and one that I have always loved (thankfully no one else has it within the family) and knew it would be a contender if Elizabeth had been a boy, but was forgotten at 12 weeks due to finding out her sex (CVS). I happen to know another dear BLM who has had her heart set on another name on that page...
Think what you may, but I choose to believe that this solitary page of paper is the biggest sign that I'll get; to take home a live, healthy and happy baby in 2011! I choose to to see this as something tangible to pin my hopes on - I don't care how silly it sounds (and I know A. finds it ridiculous) and you know what, I don't give a flying fuck where the comfort and confidence comes from; its all I need and boy (pun intended) I could do with every ounce of it I can lay my hands on.
I am feeling more optimistic about things happening. I know its not going to change a single damned thing with a pregnancy, apart from my mindset and I welcome that.
Thursday, January 20
New Ears Too
As you may have gathered, I do love my music.
With this grief, I find I have new filters in which to hear all these songs.
Some of these songs are just beautiful sounding, but recently this new light is on the words.
The song in question is one that I have mentioned before, one that never fails to bring the tears to the surface; an old tried and tested one, so to speak. Well, as I was sat on a fairly packed train headed into the city yesterday this song made an appearance and I was fully prepared to find the player and quickly fast forward...
What is the use of fighting this emotion I thought? I listened to it with these new ears that know bereavement; the hurt, the pain, the unanswered questions, the what-ifs, the lack of understanding, the isolation, desperation, wanting, longing, the utter unfairness of it all...
I listened, I closed my eyes and honed in on the words and they took my breath away. I pictured myself sat on that train and surrounded myself with all the familiar 'voices' I know in this new life and knew deep down that I am far from alone and I do take comfort from all my new friends I have found here - so there we all were, sat hand in hand on the train with me, all heading to who knows where, but far from alone.
This song doesn't just understand bereavement, it is a shining light of hope too - not that everything is going to be alright fanciful crap, but the hope that you can and will get a life back on track - "hold on". I guess I'm trying to say a huge thank you to those who mean the most to me, who walk with me along this dark and windy path; you know who you are.
Everybody Hurts - R.E.M
When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries n everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
If you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
With this grief, I find I have new filters in which to hear all these songs.
Some of these songs are just beautiful sounding, but recently this new light is on the words.
The song in question is one that I have mentioned before, one that never fails to bring the tears to the surface; an old tried and tested one, so to speak. Well, as I was sat on a fairly packed train headed into the city yesterday this song made an appearance and I was fully prepared to find the player and quickly fast forward...
What is the use of fighting this emotion I thought? I listened to it with these new ears that know bereavement; the hurt, the pain, the unanswered questions, the what-ifs, the lack of understanding, the isolation, desperation, wanting, longing, the utter unfairness of it all...
I listened, I closed my eyes and honed in on the words and they took my breath away. I pictured myself sat on that train and surrounded myself with all the familiar 'voices' I know in this new life and knew deep down that I am far from alone and I do take comfort from all my new friends I have found here - so there we all were, sat hand in hand on the train with me, all heading to who knows where, but far from alone.
This song doesn't just understand bereavement, it is a shining light of hope too - not that everything is going to be alright fanciful crap, but the hope that you can and will get a life back on track - "hold on". I guess I'm trying to say a huge thank you to those who mean the most to me, who walk with me along this dark and windy path; you know who you are.
Everybody Hurts - R.E.M
When your day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries n everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
If you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
From This Perspective
Taken from notes about a week ago.
They are playing Julia.Stone - her soft mellow, mournful voice and tunes are unobtrusive to my ear here; almost calming and nice in a world full of hustle and bustle. I escaped the questions of Elizabeth - I guess I'm not wanting the look of pity on someone who'll never give me another glance on the street; she is the estate agent and see her at best twice a year, I got nothing from telling her of Taggpole so why would I expect anything more with Elizabeth?
I miss my little girl
There isn't a way that I couldn't do
There isn't a fibre in me that would want this path
There isn't a thought, action or motive that doesn't speck her name
There isn't a moment where there isn't this new mother's love behind my eyes
The shades I wear, or more so the coloured film that I see the world through, is blue right now. Its the slight contrast that is blue tinged and colours everything in my life and everything I see. Blue is my favourite colour and is also the way the coloured photos of Elizabeth have turned out - you see the photographer kind of saturated/defused them somehow so as not to highlight the fact that she didn't have a lovely rosy complication.
I see this view as my grief goggles/contacts/glasses and how I view my love for Elizabeth. The blueness of life without her, defused of life, but still going on regardless of me and my utter torment. Everything is paler, more abstract and dull, but this is the way I see things since Elizabeth's birth. She has shown me this whole other side to life and love - oh, this mother's love; I'm still bowled over by its power!
It is all encompassing, all consuming, awe inspiring, unconditional, all powerful and truly amazing! I can only imagine how it would feel to have but an ounce of that returned. When I see this love reflected in the eyes of my child and to bestow it on another physically, to show this openly and not have it showing as the overwhelming tears of right now. So this blue view is by contact lens, no one else can see them and know of this distorted vision I have....
I can't not wait to put the Dame.Edna style glasses on that all the other new mother's wear so openly. It looks to me that they are all wonderful shapes and sizes, bright colours and wacky appendages, but most of all I'm green with envy that they have the rose tinted version to wear - their new mother's love so blatant for all to see and be able to show that. I want the glasses that hide the sleepless nights. I want the goofy ones that allows you to coo all over your newborn without restriction of looking like a complete idiot. I want to wear those glasses that say I have a purpose. I want to be able to have those funky Mama ones that sees the world as innocent, rose tinted and wonderful, where there are such things as miracles.
That is another thing that gets me, how come everything is so steeped in wonder, why is everything so magical? Scratch that; I know because they've not had their world turned on its head, they don't know this gut wrenching pain or this unquenchable thrust for something so out of reach.
Time to snap out of this downward spiral of wanting, needing, longing and yearning for those answers to the unanswerable and for the things that that I just can not have. Why do I do this to myself, highlight all the things that are just so far out of reach?
I have hope that I'll soon get the chance to see the world with some sort of rose tinted glasses - I know its never going to be the same; this flip side of life. But someday I will have new meaning, I will have use for all this love I have; an output for it and a new baby to actively mother. I know that another will never replace Elizabeth in my heart - I don't think I need to expand on that as Leslie wrote it so well here, about 'a scared space' next to the ones of any siblings we'll be blessed with... A time I can only dream of after two pregnancies.
On seeing my prenatal yoga instructor:
Heart jumps up into my throat
I'm shaking and my anxiety levels soar
Pulse is up and I just want to run!
I've seen someone from my 'old life'
and she's acknowledged me from afar
I don't want to say those words
"My baby girl Elizabeth, she died"
But I do not want to deny her either.
What would I prefer; her discomfort or mine?
I can live with mine; its an everyday struggle for me
But why do I feel protective of her feelings?
I can hear her chatting at another table with a friend
Oh, A. where are you?
You should be here to comfort me and save me from this
I feel sick and dragged back, I know she remembers I was pregnant
This is the first time I've seen her and I'm not prepared at all
Calm yourself
Watch the world go by the window
Listen to the music
Wait patiently for A.
But I'm also shitting myself there will be a tap on my shoulder from her smiling face
I can't stand this...
As it turns out A. was just around the corner and came in to collect me - there was no awkward words, just a smile in acknowledgement as I charged out of the coffee shop.
There has been one other time I wish I could have back again, where I did deny Elizabeth - BUT in a roundabout way. New neighbours are renovating and came to introduce themselves and wondered if I had "children to keep awake with all our banging and ripping the old kitchen out?" I took a moment and stumbled my negative response. Oh, I feel terrible for that and just want to explain to them; I do have a beautiful daughter, one that they'll never get to meet...
They are playing Julia.Stone - her soft mellow, mournful voice and tunes are unobtrusive to my ear here; almost calming and nice in a world full of hustle and bustle. I escaped the questions of Elizabeth - I guess I'm not wanting the look of pity on someone who'll never give me another glance on the street; she is the estate agent and see her at best twice a year, I got nothing from telling her of Taggpole so why would I expect anything more with Elizabeth?
I miss my little girl
There isn't a way that I couldn't do
There isn't a fibre in me that would want this path
There isn't a thought, action or motive that doesn't speck her name
There isn't a moment where there isn't this new mother's love behind my eyes
The shades I wear, or more so the coloured film that I see the world through, is blue right now. Its the slight contrast that is blue tinged and colours everything in my life and everything I see. Blue is my favourite colour and is also the way the coloured photos of Elizabeth have turned out - you see the photographer kind of saturated/defused them somehow so as not to highlight the fact that she didn't have a lovely rosy complication.
I see this view as my grief goggles/contacts/glasses and how I view my love for Elizabeth. The blueness of life without her, defused of life, but still going on regardless of me and my utter torment. Everything is paler, more abstract and dull, but this is the way I see things since Elizabeth's birth. She has shown me this whole other side to life and love - oh, this mother's love; I'm still bowled over by its power!
It is all encompassing, all consuming, awe inspiring, unconditional, all powerful and truly amazing! I can only imagine how it would feel to have but an ounce of that returned. When I see this love reflected in the eyes of my child and to bestow it on another physically, to show this openly and not have it showing as the overwhelming tears of right now. So this blue view is by contact lens, no one else can see them and know of this distorted vision I have....
I can't not wait to put the Dame.Edna style glasses on that all the other new mother's wear so openly. It looks to me that they are all wonderful shapes and sizes, bright colours and wacky appendages, but most of all I'm green with envy that they have the rose tinted version to wear - their new mother's love so blatant for all to see and be able to show that. I want the glasses that hide the sleepless nights. I want the goofy ones that allows you to coo all over your newborn without restriction of looking like a complete idiot. I want to wear those glasses that say I have a purpose. I want to be able to have those funky Mama ones that sees the world as innocent, rose tinted and wonderful, where there are such things as miracles.
That is another thing that gets me, how come everything is so steeped in wonder, why is everything so magical? Scratch that; I know because they've not had their world turned on its head, they don't know this gut wrenching pain or this unquenchable thrust for something so out of reach.
Time to snap out of this downward spiral of wanting, needing, longing and yearning for those answers to the unanswerable and for the things that that I just can not have. Why do I do this to myself, highlight all the things that are just so far out of reach?
I have hope that I'll soon get the chance to see the world with some sort of rose tinted glasses - I know its never going to be the same; this flip side of life. But someday I will have new meaning, I will have use for all this love I have; an output for it and a new baby to actively mother. I know that another will never replace Elizabeth in my heart - I don't think I need to expand on that as Leslie wrote it so well here, about 'a scared space' next to the ones of any siblings we'll be blessed with... A time I can only dream of after two pregnancies.
On seeing my prenatal yoga instructor:
Heart jumps up into my throat
I'm shaking and my anxiety levels soar
Pulse is up and I just want to run!
I've seen someone from my 'old life'
and she's acknowledged me from afar
I don't want to say those words
"My baby girl Elizabeth, she died"
But I do not want to deny her either.
What would I prefer; her discomfort or mine?
I can live with mine; its an everyday struggle for me
But why do I feel protective of her feelings?
I can hear her chatting at another table with a friend
Oh, A. where are you?
You should be here to comfort me and save me from this
I feel sick and dragged back, I know she remembers I was pregnant
This is the first time I've seen her and I'm not prepared at all
Calm yourself
Watch the world go by the window
Listen to the music
Wait patiently for A.
But I'm also shitting myself there will be a tap on my shoulder from her smiling face
I can't stand this...
As it turns out A. was just around the corner and came in to collect me - there was no awkward words, just a smile in acknowledgement as I charged out of the coffee shop.
There has been one other time I wish I could have back again, where I did deny Elizabeth - BUT in a roundabout way. New neighbours are renovating and came to introduce themselves and wondered if I had "children to keep awake with all our banging and ripping the old kitchen out?" I took a moment and stumbled my negative response. Oh, I feel terrible for that and just want to explain to them; I do have a beautiful daughter, one that they'll never get to meet...
Monday, January 17
Thoughts from our 'Hideaway'
I should really be getting up, but can't leave so much unsaid here in My Space. I feel like I've over reacted and have been melodramatic about all of those intense feelings from yesterday. They are still not in nice neat little boxes to be filed away in my head somewhere, but something happens with sleep; a good sleep when I can wake up and function again on other things as well as the grief. I have that now.
Was talking to A. last night about it all and he said that he feels guilty sometimes for wanting to enjoy himself and for actually having a good time - but I don't think I feel that if I'm being honest. We weren't running away from Elizabeth, or her memory, but we did get a reprieve from the grief. We took her photo with us, her blanket that we sleep with each night and we took candles to light for her - and I should say that our hostess, Lisa for those days away needs a mention here too. Her attention to detail and her unwavering high standards were awesome, while her silent acts of compassion left us both with a warm fuzzy glow. When sorting the 'hideaway' out during the second day, while A. and I were adventuring, she left by Elizabeth's photo a fresh posy of wild flowers from her garden and some more candles - we were both so incredibly touched...
We did have a lot of distraction during those daytimes; all the fun of exploring new places together and I wasn't here at home with my head in my thoughts and feelings all the time. Here, Elizabeth is in every waking thought; if its not some image of a baby or bump that kicks me down, then it is looking around the place and really seeing the things that should be so very, very different here.
Being away and spending quality time with A. helped me come out of my shell; I saw the 'old' Tess. There were no external punches, no tv, no B&B (baby & bump) to hinder my happiness with him. We had a winery map, sites of interest to visit and the open road and we were free from all constraints.
Elizabeth was in our hearts and on our lips; with every toast of our full glasses, it was always to 'our babies' or some variation of such. With every stroll down on the beach I'd be writing names in the sand and trying to snap those before the next wave came (quite unsuccessfully I might add). With the weight of my camera case on my back, I wondered how I'd fair with Elizabeth strapped at my front. How she'd love the bubbles in the hot tub and how we'd have no worries bring her to the 'Hideaway' with us. We lit all the candles we could find and eat dinner each night in their soft warm glow under the stars. We fell asleep with those candles dancing beneath the fan and we played all the meaningful music we felt like.
We spoke of our wishes and dreams for our daughter, we missed her acutely and shared tears. We did speak of the future that we have in front of us now, our hopes and dreams for our family. We talked of how we'll carry Elizabeth's memory with us, making new memories with every step and making her too short life count in our lives, knowing that she'll always be apart of us.
And we do have such high hopes and dreams for us and I feel so glad and excited at the prospect of them all with A. I think those four days away showed me that there is life after death, there is light and small patches of relief down here and it is attainable. It is going to be a roller coaster ride (not manic thank you A), but right now I have no control over my feelings: If I feel true happiness; I really do feel it. If I hate the falling back down to earth; the bitter after taste of that happiness, then that serves to teach me to hold on and enjoy it further...
If everything was grey, how would I know the different between joy and pain?
There is no grey here in My Space; only bright colours and darkness.
I have a feeling of calmness that only writing things down can give - it has made room in my head for other considerations. Like where the hell did DPO 4 come from Fertility.Friend - what the fuck?! The jump from CD 13 to that is quite something - we'll see...
Was talking to A. last night about it all and he said that he feels guilty sometimes for wanting to enjoy himself and for actually having a good time - but I don't think I feel that if I'm being honest. We weren't running away from Elizabeth, or her memory, but we did get a reprieve from the grief. We took her photo with us, her blanket that we sleep with each night and we took candles to light for her - and I should say that our hostess, Lisa for those days away needs a mention here too. Her attention to detail and her unwavering high standards were awesome, while her silent acts of compassion left us both with a warm fuzzy glow. When sorting the 'hideaway' out during the second day, while A. and I were adventuring, she left by Elizabeth's photo a fresh posy of wild flowers from her garden and some more candles - we were both so incredibly touched...
We did have a lot of distraction during those daytimes; all the fun of exploring new places together and I wasn't here at home with my head in my thoughts and feelings all the time. Here, Elizabeth is in every waking thought; if its not some image of a baby or bump that kicks me down, then it is looking around the place and really seeing the things that should be so very, very different here.
Being away and spending quality time with A. helped me come out of my shell; I saw the 'old' Tess. There were no external punches, no tv, no B&B (baby & bump) to hinder my happiness with him. We had a winery map, sites of interest to visit and the open road and we were free from all constraints.
Elizabeth was in our hearts and on our lips; with every toast of our full glasses, it was always to 'our babies' or some variation of such. With every stroll down on the beach I'd be writing names in the sand and trying to snap those before the next wave came (quite unsuccessfully I might add). With the weight of my camera case on my back, I wondered how I'd fair with Elizabeth strapped at my front. How she'd love the bubbles in the hot tub and how we'd have no worries bring her to the 'Hideaway' with us. We lit all the candles we could find and eat dinner each night in their soft warm glow under the stars. We fell asleep with those candles dancing beneath the fan and we played all the meaningful music we felt like.
We spoke of our wishes and dreams for our daughter, we missed her acutely and shared tears. We did speak of the future that we have in front of us now, our hopes and dreams for our family. We talked of how we'll carry Elizabeth's memory with us, making new memories with every step and making her too short life count in our lives, knowing that she'll always be apart of us.
And we do have such high hopes and dreams for us and I feel so glad and excited at the prospect of them all with A. I think those four days away showed me that there is life after death, there is light and small patches of relief down here and it is attainable. It is going to be a roller coaster ride (not manic thank you A), but right now I have no control over my feelings: If I feel true happiness; I really do feel it. If I hate the falling back down to earth; the bitter after taste of that happiness, then that serves to teach me to hold on and enjoy it further...
If everything was grey, how would I know the different between joy and pain?
There is no grey here in My Space; only bright colours and darkness.
I have a feeling of calmness that only writing things down can give - it has made room in my head for other considerations. Like where the hell did DPO 4 come from Fertility.Friend - what the fuck?! The jump from CD 13 to that is quite something - we'll see...
Sunday, January 16
Functionless
That is to say that 'things' are hard right now; somewhat of an understatement.
We are back from A's birthday getaway and to say we had an amazing time would be another understatement. Four days and three nights away in our own private 'African Hideaway' on the coast of the Mornington Peninsular, where we were waited on, cooked for and pampered from afar. I could talk at length of the things that we got up to, the places we went, the things we saw and the merriment we enjoyed...
But it all had to end and right now I can't even string a coherent sentence together, let alone function at a basic level. I have put washing into the washer, I have drank a brew, I have hung Elizabeth's canvas up in our bedroom and I've not left...
I have read a little and cried a lot; They Were Still Born. I have cried and sobbed, both for Elizabeth and the many others that I hold in my heart ~ Why?
So much is going through my head and the majority of it all overwhelming me with its power. I can't think any further than taking my next breath, of struggling to open chest from this vice-like grip for the bare minimal.
I can't take my eyes from Elizabeth's image that hangs on the wall a bed away.
Leave me alone world, let me be. I didn't choose this; it is what it is. Let me cry unreservedly, let me hurt and really feel the pain; let me feel connected to my baby girl please. I have no care to do anything, I have no plans, I have no want for anything - barring some magic wand to relive that Sunday, 21 weeks ago and as Sam says - 'to put right what once went wrong'.
I am back to gazing at Elizabeth's 25x37" image in the wall
We are back from A's birthday getaway and to say we had an amazing time would be another understatement. Four days and three nights away in our own private 'African Hideaway' on the coast of the Mornington Peninsular, where we were waited on, cooked for and pampered from afar. I could talk at length of the things that we got up to, the places we went, the things we saw and the merriment we enjoyed...
But it all had to end and right now I can't even string a coherent sentence together, let alone function at a basic level. I have put washing into the washer, I have drank a brew, I have hung Elizabeth's canvas up in our bedroom and I've not left...
I have read a little and cried a lot; They Were Still Born. I have cried and sobbed, both for Elizabeth and the many others that I hold in my heart ~ Why?
So much is going through my head and the majority of it all overwhelming me with its power. I can't think any further than taking my next breath, of struggling to open chest from this vice-like grip for the bare minimal.
I can't take my eyes from Elizabeth's image that hangs on the wall a bed away.
Leave me alone world, let me be. I didn't choose this; it is what it is. Let me cry unreservedly, let me hurt and really feel the pain; let me feel connected to my baby girl please. I have no care to do anything, I have no plans, I have no want for anything - barring some magic wand to relive that Sunday, 21 weeks ago and as Sam says - 'to put right what once went wrong'.
I am back to gazing at Elizabeth's 25x37" image in the wall
Tuesday, January 11
Hibernating
I think sometimes I'd rather stick my head in the sand, forget the world and just tend to myself - to hell with everything else!
I'm stuck in one of those exhaustive low times times of activity right now. This stretch seems to have lasted longer than anytime before and was upon me a day or so after my last post. I didn't think it would take that long for the negative to come, but I am surprised about how long it is still with me though. When I read back those words of such positivity, the high I was on was awesome - if only I could have bottled it, just to have a little smell of what it was like again.
In truth I haven't been this low, all this time. There had been bits of light relief along the way, although they have never really taken hold and almost seem false or forced looking back. I am unsettled to be back on the TTC wagon, it brings up all the insecurities, the dashed belief and mostly all the thoughts and questions of 'Why?' again.
Why the fuck should I even be thinking along the lines of trying for another baby - I should have a 20 week old in my arms. I shouldn't be feeling this desperation for a child. To have what I was sure I would take home and love unconditionally, but now is gone to me. All those hopes and dreams for my daughter, our little family growing up together...
Words aren't enough! This pain is so deep, so intense, there isn't enough blood in me to spill to show how this is. I hurt with every fibre of me. I miss her with every thought, action and word. And yet there is still so much room for all the love too?! How is it, that my heart is being torn every which way it possibly could?
Give me something to hate, and I'll hate it with a ferociousness.
Give me something to love, and I'll love it unconditionally.
Give me something to care for, and I'll nurture and cherish it.
Give me something to mend, and I'll repair it to new.
Give me something to do, so I don't wait with hands tied.
There is so much beneath the surface of my words. There are so many posts waiting to be written, but I wipe the slate clean now and start afresh. I hope that by allowing me sometime, I can start to make sense of all the emotions that are once again frightening in their rawness. I just hope some down time for my head is what I need to let the dust settle...
I can hope right?
I'm stuck in one of those exhaustive low times times of activity right now. This stretch seems to have lasted longer than anytime before and was upon me a day or so after my last post. I didn't think it would take that long for the negative to come, but I am surprised about how long it is still with me though. When I read back those words of such positivity, the high I was on was awesome - if only I could have bottled it, just to have a little smell of what it was like again.
In truth I haven't been this low, all this time. There had been bits of light relief along the way, although they have never really taken hold and almost seem false or forced looking back. I am unsettled to be back on the TTC wagon, it brings up all the insecurities, the dashed belief and mostly all the thoughts and questions of 'Why?' again.
Why the fuck should I even be thinking along the lines of trying for another baby - I should have a 20 week old in my arms. I shouldn't be feeling this desperation for a child. To have what I was sure I would take home and love unconditionally, but now is gone to me. All those hopes and dreams for my daughter, our little family growing up together...
Words aren't enough! This pain is so deep, so intense, there isn't enough blood in me to spill to show how this is. I hurt with every fibre of me. I miss her with every thought, action and word. And yet there is still so much room for all the love too?! How is it, that my heart is being torn every which way it possibly could?
Give me something to hate, and I'll hate it with a ferociousness.
Give me something to love, and I'll love it unconditionally.
Give me something to care for, and I'll nurture and cherish it.
Give me something to mend, and I'll repair it to new.
Give me something to do, so I don't wait with hands tied.
There is so much beneath the surface of my words. There are so many posts waiting to be written, but I wipe the slate clean now and start afresh. I hope that by allowing me sometime, I can start to make sense of all the emotions that are once again frightening in their rawness. I just hope some down time for my head is what I need to let the dust settle...
I can hope right?
Wednesday, January 5
Sharing Elizabeth & Renewed Hope
I find myself sharing Elizabeth with a lot of people now and I am happy to be doing this at last. I am also finding my arse is getting very flat with all the writing I'm doing - but who cares about that when I have my beautiful daughter to talk about!
I have been corresponding a lot with my pregnant cousin over the past week or so, getting lots of things off my chest about various things, but mainly how motherhood has defined me right now and of course all things pregnancy related. I feel somewhat understood by her now (I know and hope she'll never have a full grasp, but she is trying) and I know she appreciates my hindsight. It is just hard to condense all the information we've shared about complicated issues of the heart. She has known 'sadness' in the form of losing their little one's twin at 8 weeks and losing her father (my Uncle Nick) some 10 years ago; she knows grief, but just has a thicker skin than I and I almost feel ashamed to have thought and over reacted as I did. Its a work in progress and I am trying to learn fast.
I am also writing to both A's sister and mother about Elizabeth, sharing photos, ideas and hopes and dreams we had for her. It is very sobering to hear all those thoughts from outside of my own head, with people who haven't been open with we before. It does prove they are human inside too and feel the loss of their granddaughter and niece. I was at first resentful towards them for taking so long to come around - but in writing to them I love sharing thoughts and feelings; I will take any and all airtime they are prepare to give to my little girl.
I thank A. whole heartily for mentioning to them that I need and actually want to talk about her, if only they'd show just a little interest. As it turns out, they were both afraid to upset me - and how well we know that is just them projecting their fears, emotional incapabilities and anxieties on us. I'm not sure how long its going to last, but I'm sure getting a flat arse from all this emotional sharing...
I'm not losing stream as with any favoured subject, there is no running out of ways or words to use in which to describe my life now and how Elizabeth has touched every aspect of it.
I really feel I am being shown attentiveness and compassion and it is a lovely feeling, being cared for and having Elizabeth's memory in the hearts of others is a powerful thing and brings me closer to them - a shared love.
I also am writing to a few other BLM's; 'listening', understanding, sharing other perspectives and allowing each other the space to write what each in turn needs to write about. I am so glad I have these Moms and am so very thankful for their time and space they offer, along with the support, guidance and love. I honestly don't know where I'd be without them, in particular with the lovely lady who holds my hand and has been here with me almost from the start. The friendship we've foraged is a lifesaving one and in my eyes is the silver lining of this huge black place I find myself in. I feel far from alone and I love you all for that - thank you for accepting me without hesitation, for your grace and compassion.
So, onto a lighter update, I have an acupuncture appointment early next week. I am really looking forward to it; having someone else take control for an hour or so and look after me. I will enjoy sharing/comparing notes with those who are having treatment also and hopefully feeling more confidant about everything. It maybe a whole restoration of that hope and confidence, as I had results back on bloods yesterday. It looks like the PPT is levelling out and I have good thyroid function right now. We just have to keep watch to make sure it doesn't swing the other way now - but all is good and we have been given the green light. Game on!!
I can't believe how excited I am, to get the go-ahead and be able to try again. I feel as if all my christmas' have come at once - which is very odd seeing as I've shunned it for the past two years! All this hope and optimism I feel now; I'm quite amazed about - I obviously didn't realise how defeated I was.
I think if I could bottle this feeling I would stand to make millions. So, I ride it like the roller coaster I'm on and find I'm at the top of the highest point. I can see the course in front of me and it is the steep slope downward heading for the loop at breakneck speeds. I almost can't sit still; the excitement, the anticipation and the sheer thrill, but fuck I am terrified and take great solace that I'm not falling yet. I know what is coming, or at least a bloody good inkling. This is the course that is set and I do so willingly...
I have been corresponding a lot with my pregnant cousin over the past week or so, getting lots of things off my chest about various things, but mainly how motherhood has defined me right now and of course all things pregnancy related. I feel somewhat understood by her now (I know and hope she'll never have a full grasp, but she is trying) and I know she appreciates my hindsight. It is just hard to condense all the information we've shared about complicated issues of the heart. She has known 'sadness' in the form of losing their little one's twin at 8 weeks and losing her father (my Uncle Nick) some 10 years ago; she knows grief, but just has a thicker skin than I and I almost feel ashamed to have thought and over reacted as I did. Its a work in progress and I am trying to learn fast.
I am also writing to both A's sister and mother about Elizabeth, sharing photos, ideas and hopes and dreams we had for her. It is very sobering to hear all those thoughts from outside of my own head, with people who haven't been open with we before. It does prove they are human inside too and feel the loss of their granddaughter and niece. I was at first resentful towards them for taking so long to come around - but in writing to them I love sharing thoughts and feelings; I will take any and all airtime they are prepare to give to my little girl.
I thank A. whole heartily for mentioning to them that I need and actually want to talk about her, if only they'd show just a little interest. As it turns out, they were both afraid to upset me - and how well we know that is just them projecting their fears, emotional incapabilities and anxieties on us. I'm not sure how long its going to last, but I'm sure getting a flat arse from all this emotional sharing...
I'm not losing stream as with any favoured subject, there is no running out of ways or words to use in which to describe my life now and how Elizabeth has touched every aspect of it.
I really feel I am being shown attentiveness and compassion and it is a lovely feeling, being cared for and having Elizabeth's memory in the hearts of others is a powerful thing and brings me closer to them - a shared love.
I also am writing to a few other BLM's; 'listening', understanding, sharing other perspectives and allowing each other the space to write what each in turn needs to write about. I am so glad I have these Moms and am so very thankful for their time and space they offer, along with the support, guidance and love. I honestly don't know where I'd be without them, in particular with the lovely lady who holds my hand and has been here with me almost from the start. The friendship we've foraged is a lifesaving one and in my eyes is the silver lining of this huge black place I find myself in. I feel far from alone and I love you all for that - thank you for accepting me without hesitation, for your grace and compassion.
So, onto a lighter update, I have an acupuncture appointment early next week. I am really looking forward to it; having someone else take control for an hour or so and look after me. I will enjoy sharing/comparing notes with those who are having treatment also and hopefully feeling more confidant about everything. It maybe a whole restoration of that hope and confidence, as I had results back on bloods yesterday. It looks like the PPT is levelling out and I have good thyroid function right now. We just have to keep watch to make sure it doesn't swing the other way now - but all is good and we have been given the green light. Game on!!
I can't believe how excited I am, to get the go-ahead and be able to try again. I feel as if all my christmas' have come at once - which is very odd seeing as I've shunned it for the past two years! All this hope and optimism I feel now; I'm quite amazed about - I obviously didn't realise how defeated I was.
I think if I could bottle this feeling I would stand to make millions. So, I ride it like the roller coaster I'm on and find I'm at the top of the highest point. I can see the course in front of me and it is the steep slope downward heading for the loop at breakneck speeds. I almost can't sit still; the excitement, the anticipation and the sheer thrill, but fuck I am terrified and take great solace that I'm not falling yet. I know what is coming, or at least a bloody good inkling. This is the course that is set and I do so willingly...
Tuesday, January 4
The Song Of The Moment
This song has been going through my head for the best part of two weeks - ever since I heard the first few notes of the latest twiglet DVD (the vampire saga) we were watching. I recognised the music immediately as I have the soundtrack and that started off the constant playing; not of the whole album, but just this song.
I just loved everything about it and it spoke to me. I didn't know what all the words were, but sang the ones I did know and I feel as if I know it all off by heart now.
Except that I did look up the words...
Here is the song with the lyrics.
If you don't want to watch it, they are here;
I just loved everything about it and it spoke to me. I didn't know what all the words were, but sang the ones I did know and I feel as if I know it all off by heart now.
Except that I did look up the words...
Here is the song with the lyrics.
If you don't want to watch it, they are here;
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for relief
You gave it all, into the call
You took a chance and
You took the fall for us
You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully
You taught me honor, you did it for me
Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me my love
Now I am strong (Now I am strong)
You gave me all
You gave all you had and now I am home
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you
You took my hand added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me
You loved honestly
Did what you could release
Aaaahhh oooh
I know in peace we'll go
I hope relief is yours
Now I am strong (Now I am strong)
You gave me all
You gave all you had and now I am home
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you
oooooohh ooooh
Du du du ooooooh
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