Truths

I don't go spending all my days, everyday trying to distract myself.  Sometimes it may seem like it is my main objective looking on My Space - but it is not my every move. I guess I'm wanting to vary the things that I write about, I am conscious about sounding like a stuck record and need ways to think around life without Elizabeth.  It would be so very easy just to document the ways in which I remember her, the ways in which I bring her up in conversation with others and how my mind is mostly orbiting around her - maybe I should concentrate on that for awhile?

I shared you with a neighbour today baby girl, I told her your name and how old you'd be, how I long to mother you and how dearly you are missed.  Someone else knows of you now.
I light your candle on nights that I feel particularly alone and want to feel you with me; most nights.
Whenever I pass your open room, I see you.
How I always close every window on my laptop, just to see your changing photographs on my desktop.
I find immense comfort in your image that faces me as I lay my head to rest at night, just as comforting as the soft feel of your blanket.
I love the instant flash of memory that serves as a shield from the what-ifs; of your hair in the sunlight, spun gold...

I also talked with friends about how my perceptions on morality have altered, along with my priorities and outlook on life.  Heavy stuff really for light chit chat over a hot brew in a busy cafe....
But these are my days, there is very little relief from the fact that I am living without my daughter; my first born and have to strive to find meaning to go on, to live and take part in that life again.  In airing these thoughts I do realise how looking at the big picture is somewhat comforting; knowing I am not the only one who suffers - I am not alone and I wasn't chosen for this.  This realisation doesn't come with great fanfare; it is quite and powerful and something that grows life...

I was aiming to write 'like a weed', but 'life' is much more apt.

I have forgotten where I was going with this post - perhaps nowhere, but just wanted to get down here that I'm not bottling everything up, I am being authentic to me and my emotions - I just wanted to share some different things here.