I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Friday, August 16

In the city

I'm here in the city today for I think my last acupuncture appointment - I've not had any for 3 weeks and I don't think I'm any worse for not having the pins... But I may reserve that judgement until I've heard a heartbeat! I'm still having my day a week(ish) alone to meander about the city as I choose, even without my appointments. 
The weather has been much kinder to us without cars this week, we've been able to get out of the house, do things and meet up with people - which has been lovely for us both. Andy is less stressed about the car, having passed his exams this week for the ARV. He has also take on board my fears, emotional out bursts and dread of spending Elizabeth's birthday without him. He took my suggestion and asked for a compassionate day off - thank goodness!! So much relief about that, now I will be able to properly compose myself and plan a nice way of remembering her this year... Also in reminding others that her birthday is almost on us (to be figured out today), I'm just going to put the word out that its time for sunrise and set photos.

Other news is that I've had an appointment made for me at the women's to get booked into the pregnancy clinic there. I'll be 12 weeks then, I'll have to look up when my first appointment with Millie was - I know I wasn't showing then. Thank goodness that A. will be free to come with me too. I'll make an appointment to see my GP at 10 weeks for the NT blood test and then the ultrasound at 12 weeks - a few days apart. Thing is that I'm not sure they'll find a heartbeat, how do I know that everything is okay on the inside? I'll break out the Doppler in a week or so and hopefully that'll give me some sweet sounding news.

I'm knackered most if the time these days. Millie is full on and acts up if I'm not 'fully' there with her. I sleep when she does during the day, sometimes that maybe for almost 3hrs, or at least once a week that is down to zero! I don't want to kiss goodbye to her midday naps yet... Although I don't mind her going to bed at half 7 after being up for 12hrs - she usually has about 12hrs of sleep aday. My biggest concern is having enough time for 2 children, I know my heart will love them all continuously, but will I have enough of the proper mother in me to mother them both properly? And then have anything left for myself and A. afterward? I still want a husband after kids!!

This year is going to be tough. For lots of reasons, but the main is that A. will be taking his fellowship exams at the end of a very intense year of study...

...To be continued

Saturday, August 10

This week has been a hard one

The realisation that its Elizabeth's birthday so soon has been tough. The fact that A. is working a 12 hour shift from 10am is the thing that is spinning me out of control. This time last year I was back in the UK with Millie - just the two of us, A. couldn't get the time off and I needed to get my fix of the family. I'd booked up the tickets almost as soon as we got back from our Xmas back there, I'd had such a wonderful time - although it was different without A. and I didn't realise on booking flights that I'd be away for Elizabeth's 2nd... I vowed that A. and I wouldn't be separated for another, it was so much harder than it needed to be.
I'm mad at A. for being so passive about this, but can see it from his position too - he has just started in his new job and is still in the training phase, so asking for days off, is off really. Last year we went to the beach in Deal and took sun rise photos, then trekked into London to take our sunset photos with the back drop of Big Ben and the Houses of Parliment - how can I top that? Elizabeth's 1st was here in melbourne and a local beach for sunup, the the highest building for the sundown - how can I do better, how can I get something new - what the hell am I going to do with me and Millie for the rest of the day to honour her?

1. A low key picnic at the open range zoo with lots of '3' balloons (that we'll be taking home again with us - I hate to think of the dead balloons that have been let lose on nature) and friends that I can count on for support... Friend.

2. A different local beach for her sunrise.

3. After googling I've settled for a sunset over melbourne CBD, the actual sun isn't in the shot but the colours in the sky could be beautiful... And easy to get to with a little lady in tow. Much like the iconic 2nd year photo of London.

Thank goodness for that - feeling lighter for thinking about that already, plans are making themselves known. I'm feeling more together on the whole today. This week I've been every detected, stressed and actually down trodden. I've had to relinquish the car for A's new job (zero public transport to the small airport he is working out of now for the next 6 months) and both Millie and I have been driving each other bonkers - cabin fever. The weather has been crap and the more pressure I've put on myself to get doing things, the more I've retreated into myself - oh the time that we've spent in front of the tv! A. being at work all day (mon-fri6-6pm) is something that I'm not used to either, we usually have him for one half of the day due to his shift working hours, and usually that's cup up with a day off I between too. These 'office hours' are only for these two weeks of training until he starts proper and then it's back to a shift pattern, but with nights added too.
I guess that being over emotional right now doesn't help - it due to quite a few things, but bubbles down to Elizabeth's birthday looming and that just heightens all my sensitives. There has been a particularly triggering soap that has left an enormous gaping wound in my heart - and I think I made it worse by not watching it with the rest of Australia, seeing the social media going off at it, churning it over and turning it into my own experience (watching it wasn't as bad as I'd made it out to be!). BUT then to top things off with that, the next morning I got a call from A. saying that he'd just been in a car accident! He is fine - the car isn't. I'm more grateful today than I've ever been I think.

So I find myself still pregnant at 7 weeks and 4 days. I've had no sign that I'm not, so I'm doing okay with that. The fact that we lost Taggpole 2 months or so before we knew about it is keeping me from really connecting to this pregnancy - I just can't go pinning my hopes on another baby just yet. Unless I start bleeding again there won't be any early ultrasounds, so I'll have to rely on the Doppler we brought almost 3 years ago now, and I didn't pick anything up on there until the 10th week. Only 2 more to go before I pull it out.
I do have signs that I'm pregnant though. The almost all day nausea. My inability to find something appetising and my ability to eat lots of the things that I do want! Tuna being the top thing right now, along with anything cold (anything that doesn't smell - I have my stuffy, blood hound nose back!). Heartburn. The tiredness is sapping me and making me into the type of parent I don't want to be - I want to engage and be on the ball with Millie and not be the passive parent who sits her in front of the tv and vegetates. It's just one week and I'm feeling as if I've pulled myself together to focus on next week... Fingers crossed.