I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Sunday, February 27

With Thanks

There is new light in my life, I thought that My Space should reflect that.  I'm not surrounded in darkness anymore and my emotions aren't as raw as a hot, electric fence.  I am calm for now and have a shining bright light up ahead; this I will keep my eyes and focus on.

I want to thank everyone for there heartfelt comments and well wishes - thank you.  It really means so much to know how much I'm supported and to have you all share this new chapter with me.  I know its not all going to be sunshine and roses, but will try my hardest to find those things and to keep myself in the here and now.

Thank you

Friday, February 25

We Are Three

I am pregnant.

It is really early days and have just in this past week tested and found out, this new soul is due on Halloween.  Its not been an easy choice to share this here, I can't hide from this pregnancy in my head, heart or writing and that is fact and so I need and want to write about here in My Space.

It is taking its time to settle within me and it doesn't compute yet.  I've spent so long wanting it, working (read: obsessing) toward another pregnancy and figuring out how I'm supposed to live this life without my newborn daughter in my arms - that is it taking its own sweet time for me to realise that I am here carrying a new soul. Please don't get me wrong, we are so over the moon about it all, it is what we've wanted, planned and hoped for a long time - even longer when you consider that we've been trying for a baby for two years now.  So this is my third pregnancy and its not yet sunk into my thick skull, nor penetrating my thickening skin.

As with anything like this; with all the hurdles to jump and the long winded approach to the finishing line of holding a full term, healthy, happy, live baby; sights are always set to the next hurdle, the next blood test, the scan, the hospital appointments, hearing the heartbeat etc.  I need to try with all my might to take each day as it comes.  Celebrate the fact that I am pregnant today, be happy and grateful and try keep my focus on the here and now, rather than projecting myself into an unknown future and stressing out.

I went to a 'Support During Pregnancy' group just two days ago and was quite honestly scared by the two mothers that were there.  They were both in their second trimester and had a scare of some sort (bleed or prolonged lack of movement) and the first thing they admitted to thinking was arranging another funeral.  Which just writing about that here makes sense now, but when they were telling their stories in all their full bumped glory; their pessimism just horrified me.  I'll not be going back there, I don't need anymore ideas on 'what else could go wrong' thank you.

Life is still full on for me, it just seems like I'm always on the go and don't have much time for thinking, writing here, taking stock and growing mentally as I have been used to these past 6 months.  I am in an action phase, wanting to get me going again in the outside world and actually getting enjoyment from it all.  I have many things planned, with more appointments coming and have added swimming into the mix too - which for me is a big thing; going back to the same pool that I loved swimming with my Elizabeth bump.  The thought that got me back there? The fact that I wanted to share the swimming with this new soul too, I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted that enjoyment for today and I really did enjoy myself.

Everything changes and I guess this Space will too, it will evolve with me as I make space for this new soul in my heart and life along side Taggpole and Elizabeth, not forgetting my awesome husband.  I guess that goes for everyone in my life too, here especially.  I don't think I could be here if it wasn't for the love, support, understanding, guidance and encouragement from the fellow Baby Loss Mamas - and for that I'll be forever grateful; thank you.

With this news from me, I can't help but feel so utterly heartbroken and torn up with Leslie's news.  She has been so much to me, we connected and made a friendship for life - words fail me here, but you get the gist; she has been my companion on this new path, a light and a gentle coaxing voice and I hate so much that she is going through this again.  I'm just so sorry dear friend, my heart, thoughts and wishes are with you...
For your little bird Leslie

Tuesday, February 22

Six Months Remembering

I really don't have many words today
It is a numb feeling, a wronged feeling

I miss you baby girl, my beautiful Elizabeth Layne
I wish with all of me that everything was different
I wish you were here in my arms, in your father's arms

I find you in the bright colours and quite places
I also find you in the heavy and dark clouds
You are here in my heart, your resting place forever with me
I do not feel alone and I smile sadly at that thought

I love you so very, very much my darling girl
You know my heart as well as I do

Saturday, February 19

Ringing Ears

This post has been started in my head about a million times - could I get here to write?  Na.  Life has taken over these past few weeks, over taken my need to grieve and that in itself is a hard pill to swallow.  It goes without saying that I'm okay; I'm actually functioning better than I have done in the past six months and feel as if I'm moving forward now.

I was very reluctant to embrace these new feelings of relief to begin with, fighting all these emotions and actually finding it very difficult to know what they all were. It was like the emotions were all shouting at me, but I couldn't focus on a single voice and so couldn't make out any of them in the deafening noise.  So, I just buried my head in the sand and got on with doing and planning things and gave my emotions the middle finger - I knew it would all come to the surface again and I'd have to deal with it them later.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past two weeks, the main focus being family issues with A's sister and her husband - the result of events happened being we want to hurt/kill/chop his bits off! He has been a fucking bastard and my heart goes out to her and their daughter.  It is just a really bad situation and has taken up a lot of mental energy thinking how she is to best get through this.
There has also been other news of new pregnancies to get my head around. It was hard at first, but can honestly say I can't be happier for them and totally have my fingers crossed for them.

Then there is all the juggling and planning of the small things:

  • Getting my haircut - A. booked it for me, with his male hairdresser and I was surprised at how gentle and attentive he was to me.  Plus my hair looks good when I can be arsed to blow dry it and its too short to just be tied back now. Thank you A.
  • Starting back at Yoga - wow did I ache, but I am so glad I have started again and will continue too.  It was also lovely to share Elizabeth with my teacher, who didn't shy away from wanting to know all about her; I felt like a proud Ma again. Thank you J.
  • Group meetings - I am always surprised how light I feel after being able to talk openly with others who are in the same boat, I am forging new friendships there and it is a lovely feeling.
  • Music gigs of both Lamb and L.Cole - I L.O.V.E Lamb and saw them this time last year; my ears were ringing all night and my throat horse.  L.C; was for A. and that was an experience in itself (not my cup of tea).
  • Arranging meals out and/or getaways/cards and remembrance for anniversaries and birthdays - there are lots coming up; Taggpole's due-date, Step-dad's birthday, our wedding anniversary, my birthday, friends birthdays and house warming gatherings and there is Elizabeth's six months just days away.
  • Meetings with J - it is always good talking with her and always great seeing another perspective from someone who doesn't fully 'get it', yet tries so hard.
  • Hospital and acupuncture appointments - Dr Thyroid says levels couldn't be better and my thyroid dose is spot on. Yeah!  The weekly harpooning appointments are getting more attentive too.
  • Ignoring Valentines Day - not so much making it a day for cards or big gestures, but making quality time with each other; which is a little tough seeing as he is working nights and is furiously studying for an important exam at the end of the week.
  • All the TTCing - yes, it does need careful planning too when he is working all those night shifts.
  • Having my days merge into each other - again down to the three weeks of the nights.
  • Catching up with TV - lots of new series are back on and am getting square eyes and a flat butt.
  • Going clothes shopping - I must have chucked a third of my wardrobe out and was left with every little to wear and with the changing seasons I seriously needed more clothes; Oh I love the Gap and it was a really good shopping trip.
  • Gearing up for visitors from home - my Pa and M are visiting for all of April.  A mix of excitement and dread; with excitement winning I think.
  • Dealing with little contact from my family - talking to some is quite hard; its as if we're on two different planets and there is no middle ground and so I keep them at arms length for now.
  • Arranging penny pinching outings for me to do - going to VG lots, booking free tickets to silly things, being a part of TV shows audiences, exploring new suburbs and just getting out and about into the fresh air.
  • Looking into job opportunities and different avenues - setting up job alerts, joining a 'mystery shopping' agency, looking into on-line surveys and volunteer work, and updating my CV(still).
  • Oh, and reading fiction books and giving myself a break from the whole BLM on-line community for a little bit.

I think the last one has been a relief for me, in limiting the amount of time I spend in other people's worlds and just concentrating on my own for awhile.  While it is true that I have gained a new perspective from reading new blogs, it is all tinged with the sadness of losing a beloved baby and sometimes I just need to shut all of it out.
I have barely enough energy for my own emotions and by that I mean my grief.  I'm not saying that I shut Elizabeth out of my mind; quite the contrary, its not with the heavy heart that I remember or miss her with just now.  I'm not sure if this is a new corner that I have turned, but I'm feeling okay within myself and I think I'm functioning the day to day well and dipping my toes into the BLM land again.  I'm not crippled with remembering or missing her and I know Elizabeth knows my heart.  I'm trying to see the good things and not have the sadness surrounding her death taint everything in my life - I do have so much to be grateful for.

I am still learning to go with the flow when it comes to my feelings, so will ride this particular high for as long as it'll hold me, knowing full well that all things change eventually.

Tuesday, February 8

A Strange Sense of Deja Vu?

The leaves on the tree outside the bedroom window are dropping, so when the sun comes up in the morning there are rainbows from the cut glass windows showing themselves on our bed. The nights are drawing in and the days are more often grey. They are cooler too and find myself wearing more layers, those same clothes that would fit comfortably over my blossoming bump.

It is fast becoming the sixth month of remembering, and the seasons are changing back again.  It is hitting me with such force of deja vu; I recognise the trees without their leaves, the way the light has changed when I wake up and the need of an extra blanket at night.

But then I think back and those feelings are so very different.
I think to the time when I noticed the leaves were budding on the trees and know that was those first few days after returning home without Elizabeth; curled up in a sobbing ball on the bed staring out of the window, wondering why anything was thriving when my daughter wasn't.  Such changes, such profound changes....

I am then caught going back further to those wonderful thoughts of what it was like to be anticipating Elizabeth's arrival, all those hopes and dreams, flurries of activity, the innocence and blissful ignorance for life 'before'.  Oh, how I look back at those times with such aching fondness and I know I'll never have those times again, so I cherish them close to me now.  If only I could substitute those bright memories for the fatal flashbacks; I seem to be getting a lot of them recently.  Thinking about it now, I can't see the trigger to them; they pop out of nowhere in the most innocent of situations.

I am taking the first steps of this new action plan - getting me back on a track of life.  It seems like lots of small steps; doing little things for me and for A. but mainly working towards getting me in a better place.  I don't think the big changes are quite within my grasp just yet, I haven't the first clue about what I actually want to do job-wise, but am updating my CV which is a start.

I have also been cooking, baking and making in the kitchen (although making cookie dough to freeze and eat, can't really be called 'baking') and have carefully decided what day I will to return to Yoga (it clashed with acupuncture this week).  I am also scouring the internet for some sort of swimming/aqua-fit classes, it is a daunting thing to be quite frank; not having a clue about all these places and I just have to dive in and hope that I don't get put off by anything on the way.  Thanks for the encouraging comments about starting to exercise again, in openly 'talking' about it, it has moved forward from just planning.

I have come to realise that feeling okay in the day to day isn't a bad thing and certainly not something to feel guilty about.  Elizabeth knows my heart and that will never change - on so many levels. I am feeling better able to cope and I can/do appreciate the seemingly easy days.  It is good to look back and see just how far I've come from those dark, raw days and be able to see healing and progress into this new life.  And I do look at the near naked trees with anticipation and hope again.

Sunday, February 6

Marking Time

I feel as if I'm marking time now.
Just waiting to live again and it all hinges on getting pregnant.

Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into swimming and yoga; getting myself fit again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into the swing of heading out into the world, meeting new people and not being afraid of bumping into all the old triggers; mainly bumps and babes.
Once I'm pregnant I'll have something to smile about and a purpose again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll make a proper routine for myself; work and down times.
Once I'm pregnant I'll take more interest in getting creative, cooking, looking after and bettering myself.
Once I'm pregnant I can start planning for a bright future again.

Who knows what I'll could be feeling about all of the above when and if I do get pregnant and this attitude is just getting me nowhere fast right now.  The more I want to be pregnant, the more stress and pressure I'm putting on myself and that sure doesn't help with the getting pregnant bit.

I think this spate of unease is triggered by the fact that I need to find structure to my day and the fact that I need something else to consider other than this grief.  I am feeling this unease due to restlessness, frustration, boredom and a whole lot more frustration - that I can't move on with my life until I am pregnant and of course I have no control over that.  But what if I can remove the goal posts and I take the whole pregnancy thing out of the equation? I have this whole list of things that I want to do and have control over, so why not just get myself out there and do?

I know that finding a job has got to be on the cards also, I can't just keep putting that off.  Since moving over seas a year and a half ago, I have always thought that I'd be a stay at home Ma - two pregnancies down and no children to stay at home with; I know I should get my arse into gear and get a job (and by a job I just mean something that I quite enjoy and pays the bills; I'm not really needing a career).

The thought of 'what if I never get pregnant?' is running around my head, it is unrelenting these past few days and I'm scared that I'll always be marking time.  I don't want to just be waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen to and for me.  I want to live, I want to better myself and be included in the world - I can't just give up, I can't just wither and end up a shell of the woman I was...

I don't want the death of my beloved daughter, to be the death of me too.

I need a plan of action and that is me sewing the seeds

Saturday, February 5

Wake Up Call

I've got to get my arse out of this funk!
I really have to work at this, as it is clear that its not going to go anywhere without a lot effort.

How many ways can I feel sorry for myself?
How many ways can I say how unfair life is?
How many ways can I feel 'woe is me', life isn't worth living?

In short there are numerous ways, but it ain't going to change a single fucking thing!!

I need to get my head into a happier and healthier place, not only for me but for those who I care for too.  I have to change this perceived view on everything, I have to find hope again.  I have to think out of this self imposed box I've created and I have to start dreaming of a bright future again.

I know that fresh realisations have hit me hard in the last week or so, but it still doesn't change the reality of those facts; they are just the same.  I need to get into my head that I have to change/alter my reactions to these new emotions and not to just to bury my head in the sand and think 'woe is me'.  I know it is the easiest way of not dealing with these things, but honestly it is not helping anyone - least of all me.

So what am I going to do about dragging my arse up into the living world?
Well, I have to take a step back from my norm, broaden my horizons and invite new things into my life.  I also need to take the onus off what I have lost and concentrate on all the goodness in my life - that in itself is an overwhelming thought, as I do have so much to be thankful for.

I have started by reading more blogs of BLM's who are in a better place; in short they are pregnant and have that bright future to look forward to.  I've not wanted to read any of those blogs before now, reason being jealously is a green eyed, hurtful monster - BUT I want to know there are happy times ahead and feel I need to read about it all now.  I want to read of their hopes and feed off their positive writings. In short I want to be in their shoes, both mentally and physically.  I only have so much control over the getting pregnant bit, the rest is up to the total randomness, but I do have a certain amount of control over how I react to my feelings.

I am needing positive reinforcement right now and I'm not just talking a chocolate muffin after writing this!  Positive thoughts produce positive actions and behaviours and I want that to be my default setting.  I had always thought myself as a positive person before Elizabeth died, and I guess I'm trying to find that part of me again - I do hate to know that I've been dragging others down with my low moods...
I know it is all part of grief with the highs and lows, but this prolonged black period just now has me seriously questioning myself; I need to act and do something about this now.

Right now I am thankful for the fact that I can see this, I have the foresight to be able to pin these feelings down and to want to do something about all the negatives on my plate.  I am relieved to know it is all in the way I choose to see things and can choose to see the same images in a different light; I can focus on different aspects of the picture and come away feeling quite different.  

Just some of the things that I am grateful for, in no particular order:
The love of my wonderful husband
Meeting my beautiful daughter and knowing this mother's love
Having very few material and external worries (work, money, house comforts)
Having good general health and no lasting issues
A family who loves me and wants to help and support me as much as they can
Knowing how utterly awesome being pregnant is
Having the freedom to do what I want
All the traveling I have done, the wonders that I have seen
Knowing and loving such a diverse array of people in my life
Unexpected support, compassion, understanding and out pouring of love of complete strangers - they are no longer strangers to me, but part of my closest circle - I wouldn't know where I'd be if it were not for them.

This is a start and one that I will keep adding to, I can't loss sight of all the good and great things in my life; I must strive to live after the death of my daughter, all the while keeping her memory alive and close to me.

Wednesday, February 2


...a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.

I am early for the hair appointment and am sat in the car with my pad.
I am feeling so off and tired and my heart is unbearably heavy
I almost cry watching a little old man wait until the coast is clear before reaching down to pick up old fag buts off the ground - I just want to charge out to him, go out to comfort him, maybe buy him a pack so he doesn't have to do that.

I am sick of all the hurting in the world
I am sick of always having this ache in my chest
This dark whole (hole?) that is so full of the hurting and pain

But its not just my own that I carry around with me
it feels like the whole worlds that I have taken up
These grief goggles have made me see all the suffering there is
Everyone suffers; everyone has their own worst days
Everyone has their own dark holes full of such pain and sorrows

I am now aware of and can see this suffering around me
But if I close off my heart to all of this, does it help me?
Will I not become the ignorant person with the blinkers on?
This is becoming a burden ; it is weighing me down, I feel sunk
I hate that I am like a sponge in that respect, just soaking up all the perceived pain, sorrow and suffering that I see.

I know it is a state of mind - so why do I see it as such?
I am sure there is also light in other peoples lives too
Why can I not concentrate on that?
Or am I projecting all my own sorrows onto their lives and really it is just me who sees it all through these grief goggles?

Something has to give - I can not carry on like this
It has been days where I am inconsolable and just want to snap out of it now; I am just so sick and tired of it.

No motivation, hope, happiness, future...
Where are you gone?
I really need to snap out of this funk!

I am ultra sensitive to everything around me and I just want to shut myself away, hide until I am healed and able to see the world in its full wonder:
All the hurt and pain
All the joy and happiness
All the suffering and heartache
All those tender moments of love

I sit in the window with my big pot of tea, I am watching the world go by with my pen at my pad.
Why does the young mother with her son sit on just the other side of the glass?
Do I get up and move?
Do I put my head down, not to look out of the window in front of me?
Do I put the blinkers on and just not see them?
Do I just hide inside my own head and thoughts, glued to this spot?

Is it the fact that I have had all of what I see in front, whipped away from me?
Is it the fact that I'd do anything to get it back again?
The world is unfair, it is fucked up and it is hateful!
Is it the closeness of mother and child that I can't watch without hurting?
Is it the fact that her son is alive, thriving, growing, smiling, feeding...

This is the crux of the matter; I don't want her baby, I want my Elizabeth
Seeing all this highlights what I should have, would have
All I've lost and want more than anything

I want to watch Elizabeth's toes wiggle as she feeds
Her toes were bigger, longer than his; her toenails longer and darker...

And people wonder why I stay in?! They wonder if I'm becoming a hermit and exclaim when I say I'm hibernating! I'm just trying to find a metaphor for what I feel like being a BLM when I come across these things and it is always with me, but rears its ugly head when confronted in these ways.  I guess its like a deep unquenchable thirst and I'm lost in a world full of sea, without a drop of drinking water.

It is craving the unobtainable
Questioning the unanswerable
Wanting what is ultimately gone forever

Another pregnancy would bring another child (if I was that lucky)
It would make the world see that I am a mother on the outside, as well as the inside too
I would be actively mothering an infant and I'd have purpose
I'd have reason to get up and strive again
I would put all these instincts to some use and I'd have a visible out pouring for this love I have.

But it wont ever bring Elizabeth back to me.

Nothing can cure this wanting I have for my first born and just makes all this wanting and needing for another, seem worthless - why put so much energy into trying to change this want; it is not going anywhere and will not change at will!  Why do I want to just shift the goal posts, just swap one want by overwhelming it with another? This is so fucked up!!

I am nowhere near coming to terms with Elizabeth's death.
And that is one hard and stark sentence to put together.

So with that blue eyed babe on the other side of the glass looking intently at me, I hide my head in my hands and cry unreservedly.  This being a time when the overwhelming sadness comes and there is nothing I can do to gulp them down; they come, and I hide.

But on some level, am I not daring or willing someone to ask me or even comfort me when I am crying? Am I not inviting anyone to notice and give a shit?  I guess that is why I do look people in the eye now; always looking out for tears in their eyes - just so I might be able to offer a sign, a show of compassion that I'd like in return with my own...

Numb again, and I've just noticed a man with an unbelievably huge head and orange hair - not dissimilar from a giant carrot!!  How did I miss him?