Day 18

Our Wedding - April 26th 2008

I think this picture sums up the day perfectly we had a ball!

Looking at this picture now... wow, the pure happiness that I was feeling, my heart out there on my sleeve for all to see.  This was us, free to smile, to be happy and enjoy ourselves, Oh we did!

We married back in the England, Yealmpton in Devon at a wonderful country estate; Kitley House.  It was the warmest, bright day so far that year and it had been raining the day before and then again the next - we were very lucky with the fine weather.
Almost all the family was around us, all of A's small family and the majority of the 46 cousins I have.  Everything was under one roof - we married in Kitley and then had the reception meal and celebrations there afterward, then went up to bed there.  That was part of the charm, no driving for us or your guest who may of had a long journey to make.  We booked out the whole place, it was just filled with everyone we wanted to share our special day with, it was an intimate and cozy venue and loved every minute of it.

Our photographer was excellent and everyone likes to see wedding photos, so here they are - I could have put all 426 on here but, here are the ones that make me smile the most.  I love looking through these : )

I just love the shoe shot, taken through the window over looking the school fields from your funky flat - so light and airy it was with foot thick walls, a spiral staircase and exposed steel beams!

Some before pictures taken around the grounds of the (renovated) Naval Hospital, which we lived.

Me and my Pa in the back of a very nice Beauford convertable.  We had to drive through the centre of Plymouth to get to Kitley, I felt like royalty waving back to everyone.

Sisters Kayla and Issy and little niece Jenny

Before I said 'I do'.

Handsome man and his best man

Pa gives me away...

And Andy takes me.

Everyone!

Cheesy 'thank you' card photo

This we have blown up and framed in our living room - I love the green-ness of Devon.

Lots of fun and laughter with the sisters

Pa made the fantastic pots for the flowers - the stamp says; Tess & Andy 26th April 2008.

Every 'sub-family' and friend could take a pot home - we have three that I can see from this chair.

Ma made and decorated the cake.  

A boozy fruit layer, a moist chocolate one, toped with a lemon layer - it tasted divine.

We really wowed everyone with our first dance, to Snow Patrol's - Set Fire To The Third Bar.

It fitted us perfectly, more on the why's later I think.

Kitley House that fine April night

Need I say more?

I smile when I see these, smile with a longing to have these blissfully happy couple back.  Rewind and play again from there please - take me back to this time, let me know this happiness again and let us live our lives from this point forward...  Please?

Along with the longing to go back and have those happy times again, I can actually still feel that happiness, the excitement of the day; its deeply embedded into those memories and within the photos.  If I can still feel all that by looking at these from two and a half years ago - well that gives me the confidence that I will remember everything about our sweet Elizabeth and that, is truly comforting.

I am so grateful for the husband I have, the love we have and the future we will have.  A friend commented to me, how wonderful it is that Andy is here for me and we can hold each other up, she said 'its one of the wonderful things about picking the right man' - how right she is.

What-if? Part IIV

Oh, if only there was a way to glimpse into the future.  L's words are so heart wrenching 'I keep looking to the future and I worry about losing the present'.   But all we can really do is live in the here and now and know there are no guarantees in life - harsh eh? 

I too keep wanting to lose myself into a the world of 'what-ifs', what-if we don't ever get pregnant?  What-if I get pregnant this cycle, what-if we make it to 8 weeks, then to 10, then 12 weeks and so on?  What-if 'something' was to happen before then, what-if a scan shows 'something' sinister?  What-if we go for further testing, what are the chances of miscarriage?  They are never ending...

What-bloody-ifs are my nightmares.   I have to tell myself to calm down when they start to take over.  I have to tell myself that everything is random.  I'm not a bad person, there is no 'grand plan', there is no 'order of things', I'm not making up for a failing from somewhere else in my life, fate hasn't come to kick me down, karma hasn't come to deliver me a big bag of shite, I didn't pray to the wrong God, I didn't trample underfoot the four leaf clover.  

We were just unlucky.  Rather than the ever, WHY us, WHY our baby?  I read on Glow somewhere, the question we should be asking is WHY NOT?

That really spoke to me, I really saw and heard it - I've not accepted it, far from that, I love to wail; WHY me, WHY my sweet Elizabeth?  But at least I know what I should be aiming for and I'm working towards that - uphill struggle though!

Day 17

An art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.


There is a set of paintings that my Ma had promised me, for Elizabeth, to put up in her nursery - they are from my childhood book that was given to me by my cousin (JP as inscribed in the front page) on my 4th birthday.  They were all drawn and she had started to paint them, firstly the red, then orange - I'm not sure how far she got, but as soon as she heard that Elizabeth had died, she cut them all up.  
I hated her for that, cutting up something that was meant for my daughter, her granddaughter.  In my eyes destroying something that had so much emotional attachment, to me, Elizabeth and her - that was unfair.  Unfair for taking a memory away from me, unfair for taking away comforting paintings away from me and Elizabeth's nursery.


But a few weeks later came a card in the post - it was apart of the first painting and the sight of it made me cry.  You see it was.... let me see if I can find it....

This is my book, there are no pictures on the web of it.
This is part of the painted RED picture that I got, addressed to Elizabeth on the date of her funeral.

It broke my heart.  The little girl is waving goodbye, or is it hello? 
They are flying butterfly kites.


When Ma came, she brought another cream envelop:

Inside she has written why the picture means so much to her, the fact that she knitted me a Piggie and that her dress was like the girl's in the story, simple, brown, but very soft.  The fact that she hopes Elizabeth likes her Piggie that Ma knitted, how she had planned to knit it for a long time and couldn't wait to meet her. 
They break me, reading those cards - my fake facade is left in shatters around my feet.  It shows me that Elizabeth had touched so many peoples lives without having even meet them.  It shows me how loved she is and that my job of remembering her is made that little easier, knowing that others are thinking of her too.

Day 15

What you like about your house?


Right now I'm loving the fact that the sun rises on the front of the house, where the bedrooms are and at the back of the house where the sun sets, is the main living space.    That is where I'm sat right now writing this, in the window with the sun on me.  
We have cut glass in the front windows and as the sun shines on those, there shines a myriad of small rainbows into our bedroom.  
Now you know how I feel about rainbows; its our way of thinking that Elizabeth is with us, she is letting us know that she is here, she is thinking and loving us.  I hunt out the rainbows when I'm feeling... No, not weak, but not strong enough to cope with what ever has just tipped me over the edge.  
In the living room we have a little cut glass disco ball, which refracts at least a dozen tiny rainbows about the warm, sun drenched room.  That is my favourite part of the house we live in now.


-----


I was talking to A driving back home from his work and was discussing why I felt like I couldn't open up to Ma and talk about Elizabeth.  Its not that I don't want to talk about her - she is my specialised subject my favoured topic, so why?  I don't want to break this facade that I have built up, its taken a long time to get it into something that I can use.  With it on, I can handle myself and not break down into tears at a drop of a hat.
If I end up breaking it myself (that would be self-destructive) I would be left so very vulnerable and would have to work hard to build it back up again - there is no way I'd be able to live the day to day without it.  As I said before, I don't want Ma knowing the extent of my pain - there is nothing she can do to put it right, what is the point in sharing it?!  None.  So I keep my mouth shut, and hope she doesn't think I am a crude, heartless soul.

Day 16

A song that makes you cry (or nearly)?


Well that one is easy too - just see Day 1 of the 30 Posts in 30 Days.
That was written only 2 weeks ago and they still hold fast, they still make me ball!

Day 14

A non-fiction book that is meaningful to you after your loss?


I guess the current one that I'm reading
All I am reading is books on baby loss, they are the only ones that make any sense to me right now.
TV is more of a distraction and that is the only time I'd pick up a book that wasn't on baby loss, so don't tend to gravitate to any other books.


The one I'm reading right now has gifted to us from a work colleague of A's - her sister had suffered the stillbirth of her son; Ethan last year.  It is 'You Are Not Alone - Stories From Australian Families Who Have Suffered The Loss Of Their Baby', by the Teddy Love Club (TLC), Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support.  I may leave it out for Ma, to happen to come across it.


I read these and no other because I can relate to them.  I also want to draw out as much hope as I can from them and their happy endings; the subsequent pregnancy that ended with a live, healthy baby/babies.  That is the happy ending I'm wanting.  I know nothing can bring my dear Elizabeth back to us, but I still want a chance that we will live happily ever after.

Pep talk

This is so I have this conversation always, somewhere safe, where I know I can get to them in a hurry.  I need to know that I have all these written down here.  Reason being?  It makes so much sense to me now - I can't say it will later, but they helped me so much today and that is worth so much.
Thank you L. for my Pep talk

Tess you can't be the happy camper. You are not a happy camper. 

Please do not expect too much of yourself. I know you might feel guilty for taking the 'selfish' route but my friend- simply put- grief itself it selfish. You and Andy are in mourning right now. It is not party time. Or sightseeing time. Or happy time.

It is shit time.

You did not sign up for this- any of it.

No matter what is being expected of you I hope you can find the strength to do only what is right for you.

You have to speak for yourself. Let go of the guilt. They are grown adults and I guarantee you that if you give them a map and send them out on a little adventure they will be just fine on their own. 

You don't have to do anything. 

yes- this comes from the most grief enabled selfish woman on the planet.

Now ask me if I care. 

Take note- I skipped my own brother's wedding.

You can do this- and by this I mean do what is right for you. No fake happy. No uplifted conversation. Unless you want it. And if you do that is ok too. 

I know that sinking into grief sometime makes you feel as thought you will never be able to find your way back up into the light. The problem is that by ignoring the dark areas they might get bigger unless you look them square in the eye, accept them and them turn around into the light. 

It's all a process.

The process is different for everyone. 

You are doing everything in your power just to live right now. 

Be who you are Tess- not who you wish you could be. Be who you are and accept whatever personality that is- even if it changes every moment.

I am thinking of you and sending you as much love and support as I could ever send. 

Breathe my friend. 

love and hugs- L.

My response:

Your words are hard to read L. - on two counts; the tears and hearing your gentle voice of coaxing, telling me to be strong.  I've never needed them more than now - Thank you.  You talk so much sense L.
I needed to know that I have a 'free pass' for feeling shitty - you are so right, we didn't sign up for this!  We didn't choose this, this is what we're left with and no one would be happy with that.  I needed to know that I have to look the dark places in the eye, otherwise the dark will only get bigger and bigger if I try and ignore it.  I just have to realise that I am feeling confused with all the raw, strong and new emotions and accept them - I don't need to fight them, I don't need to change them, just realise what I am feeling.  That in itself is turning back up to the light, from this dark pit.

I'm going to suggest a gentle, quite walk down on the beach.  Time for A. and I together, to just be and let them get out and see some of the country.  This is a gentle thing for me to do, to ease into doing things for myself.  I do want to just sit on the shore and think, even if it is to close my mind to the beach and think about what should have been.  Thank you for the pep talk, I hate to wonder if I did not have you L.

And L's response:


Exactly. I am so glad to 'hear' you say it Tess. Keep saying it. It will need repeating- I promise. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It is hard to accept anything about life right now- sometimes just sitting with that realization is enough to help get through the day.  

I think that is a perfect idea- and while you are there you can listen for her. Find some shells, write in the sand, just be silent to the waves. 

I am so glad we have come to know each other Tess. I value talking to you in just the same way- at some point I will be able to describe why, but right now words escape me. I am just very grateful. 

Copy what you wrote here and keep it safe somewhere. I am really proud of you for writing it.

Love- L

I need to keep these words close to me.  They comfort me and that is a mighty, hard task right now.  I am so unbelievably grateful to L. for taking the time to indulge my uncertainty, my worries and insecurity, I will be forever in her debt.

Day 13

A fictional book that has meaning to you since your loss?


There is none that spring to mind.
I've not got time or patience to sit around and read fiction.  
There is so much I want to read that is non-fiction, all on baby-lost and trying again.  
I read the blogs and sites relating to all things baby-lost.  
I hate it is all I want to read about, there are no other interesting subjects - its a need.  
Everything pales compared to this sadness and pain I carrying around with me all the time.
I guess I'm searching for a way to connect, to have my confused emotions put down in a way that I can relate to.


Is this all I'm destined for?
Is this all I'm going to find I can relate to?
This is bollocks!
Fuck it!


Why has this bubble bust? 
I was coping to an extent. 
Why has the fact that my mother is here affected me so much?
Why is my world on its head again, when I couldn't even crawl, let alone stand?

Day 12

Something you are OCD about


Washing hands
Putting things back where you found them


-----


I'm hoping the anticipation is worse than the event, but I could be wrong.

Day 11

A photo of you recently and how that makes you feel now

I yearn to have this back - to let this 'mother's love' out again

I want to fuss over my little girl
I want to smell her sweet baby smell
I want to feel her soft skin under my fingertips
I want to see the sunlight shining on her gold spun hair
I want those chubby checks under my kisses

I want to see those eyes open and focused on me
I want her little brow raised in anticipation of my voice
I want to hear her returning voice, her cry for me
I want to feel her weight, heavy in my arms
I want to feel her warmth and her breathing

I want my Elizabeth back

I want the innocent woman I was back
I want the carefree husband I had back
I want our family back
I want our happiness back
I want our future back

I want you back my sweet Elizabeth

You have my heart with you, where ever you may be
And you'll always have my love
Just as I know a part of you will always be with me
Always be with us, your Ma and Pa
Always remembered my darling girl

Day 10

A photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now. 

I must be 4 or 5 in that picture - I am the older one and the cute little dumpy one is my lovely, wonderful sister Michaela (or Kayla as I've called her most of my life).  
This is the only old photo on my computer and I feel quite ashamed of that actually. For someone who has a fancy pants camera, the total disrespect for photos is showing. All my photos that I have ever taken is on an external hard drive in a basket of electrical 'things', part from the recent ones that have gone straight on to this new laptop.  Reason being, I got a new photo program and transferring them over, they have been duplicated a few times and stacked in one bunch, so in one 'album' I have over 22,000 photos!  I pulled my hair out trying to sort that out on my old laptop - it was so slow and the reason for getting the new one, but I left that massive project by the wayside.  Almost forgotten and always chastised.


Ma has all our hard-copy photos from when we were kids - it is wonderful to look on them as we did last year.  I have a disc with some of us as babies too.  I can't remember this being taken, but loved the fact that it was just me and Kayla, we were the best of friends.  It was taken in the new house and I remember that black body warmer I'm wearing - a year or so later I would be sitting too close the the fire and melt the back of it.
I smile when seeing this, such a happy childhood I had, nothing stands out as being sad, trying or bad from those time - well, up until I was 12, but that is for another time.


------


Yesterday I started bleeding again, today I am bleeding heavily.  I haven't a clue what is going on with my body.  If this is a period, then what was last weeks bleed all about?  I know that this time looks and feels more like a period, but there was no PMS this time - I just know that my body and head space is totally messed up - at least they're in sync now.   I'm not going to throw the 'M' word around either, lets just not go there eh?


Ma and Paul aren't due until Monday night - good job we checked and she does understand I think/hope.  We are wanting this to be their holiday - Ma has a responsibility to Paul to get the best out of their three weeks aboard (their second holiday ever) , but she is also wanting to be here for me - we've just got to juggle our own needs, voice them and be selfish to our own wants.  Putting it like that sounds great, we'll be putting ourselves first and making sure no one is left feeling short changed.  That seems fair.


Was 'talking' to L about getting out and about visiting friends last night - I didn't cancel with J and they came round (her kids are 5 and 3) for dinner, we went to the park and then they watched a movie while we talked.  Its the first time they've been here, as I've only known her for about 6 months - she is a college friend of my cousin who moved over here 6 years ago.  She has been great, but she can only understand so much - but bless her she does try so hard!  
My heart only stopped once and that was when I saw Monkey flying in the hands of her 5 year old.  That was the toy I was knitting throughout Elizabeth's pregnancy and the colour must have drained from my face.  It was calmly said that Monkey was Elizabeth's special toy and needed to be put back - which he did.  They know of Elizabeth, I. saw the picture of her on my phone she said 'your pretty baby, she is sleeping' - I had a good cry once they'd gone about that, touched my heart.

Other than that the only 'friends' I have over here are ones I know through A's work and have been made since Elizabeth died.  That seems strange even to me.  We've only been here in Australia since August last year and for the first part of that I was a hermit having just lost Taggpole.  I was then making home and being pregnant, going back to the UK for a month, I didn't really leave a lot of time of making new friends - I guess I was hoping to make a few with the mother's group, baby swim group, breastfeeding group, mother's walking group...    

I hardly know these new 'friends', but they have been kind and made time for us.   I do feel like the odd one out when we're out - people I find now, are very petty; the small things seem so troublesome and I really find it difficult to relate to their tales of woe.  I don't know, people say they've had a crap day at work and all I can think is  - they haven't kissed goodbye to their newborn baby; that is a f**king crap day!  That is what I am screaming in my head.  Just listening to their petty, moaning, whining (okay, they maybe just talking about a bad day, but to my ears its all 'woe is me') and all I can think of is 'what I should be doing', or how I wouldn't be out eating if Elizabeth was still here. 

I find myself having a split personality - strong head and my new 'normal' or default head.  The strong one is the one everyone else sees, or wants to see, the other is who I am everyday.  I wonder if or when they will merge?  To be honest I would hold off with meeting people - I would firstly ask yourself if your prepared to hear XYZ crap day from who ever it is that your thinking of seeing.  If its the milkman then that is easier to shrug off, but if its a close friend, be prepared to get hurt, feel indifferent or pissed at them - what I'm trying to say is, the ones you love the most are the ones who can hurt you the most; does that make sense?

I did a lot of writing today, lots of mailing and have felt better for taking some of the pressure off.  I am also glad I have another day before Ma and P comes.  Monday I am going to a tattoo studio to get my T and E inked on my wrist - I don't care what Ma will think!

Day 9

A photo since your loss.


I have taken quite a few really since Elizabeth came into our lives, I have an iPhone and so I take that everywhere and the camera isn't half bad.  I usually take photos of something that I want to remember, instead of writing it down; something to look up, a book to order, or maybe a gift idea.
I do have a fancy pants camera, a Canon EOS 40D; it is the bees knees... but only when I do take it out of its case and actually take photos.  I didn't get the chance to take any of Elizabeth - I would have taken thousands by now....


Just looking up and checking that I was right in thinking Elizabeth would be almost 9 weeks old - I don't know where my sense of time has gone; 2 weeks ago or 2 years?  But as I looked at the calender the 22nd came out and hit me in the face - Elizabeth's 2 month birthday is today.
I haven't a clue what a 2 month old are supposed to be like, I don't know their key mile stones; whether she'd be holding her head up, smiling, producing tears (that is a strange one; they cry, but don't physically produce tears when first born - an obscure fact I read early on), getting into a eating/sleeping routine of sorts, whether she'd like the morning best or the nighttime, would she love or laugh at my singing and if she'd be a vocal young babe....
All these things I'll never know and I will forever be thinking of these things, wondering who the little girl is that I am missing so much...


------


Back to the photo since Elizabeth - I will choose a nice one.... but that could include Elizabeth, they were taken after see died?  No, lets let her have her own time and leave me to deal with the aftermath that is our lives now.

This one is for you my sweet baby girl - your Ma and Dad learning to smile again.
It was taken down in the city, Victoria Gardens where we lay flowers for you and Taggpole.  It is the first time we've both been down there where it was warm and sunny, we lounged on the grass and socked it up with you both on our minds.  On walking around your pond I was delighted to see the little family of Moorhens, have gone forth and multiplied; at least 4 little families of their own.  All the little Moorhen chicks with their bald red heads, mewing quietly...  I could sit there for hours just watching life at the pond.  Your Willy Wagtail was there too, busy making a nest; he must have found a mate too.


I started bleeding again this morning.  I don't know why, I only stopped a week ago after my first 'normal' period.  I can only imagine that my body is still finding its own way.  It feels like the world is conspiring against us right now, but know that my body will become pregnant when its ready - well heres hoping!

Day 8

A photo that makes me angry/sad.


There is one that makes me unbelievably sad.  It is of Elizabeth and one of the first photos that was taken of her while I was still being operated on, unaware of what happening.  The photo is of Elizabeth, naked and lying on a hard surface, she is half on her side, she is clean and she is also alone.  


I can't look at this image, I won't copy it here either - the only copy we have is a photograph and that is in amongst her other bits of paperwork.  It is though, heavily imprinted in my mind - the feelings I have about this image however are with me as if its right in front of me now.


Why has someone just taken a photo of my baby like that?
Why is she not covered?
Why is she alone?
Why is she not wrapped up in, or at least on a blanket?
Why did they think I'd want to see and have a cold, sterile and undignified picture of my darling baby girl like that?


My Elizabeth just looks so unloved and it kills me to think of it.  I was unaware of her fate at this point, Andy too.  Elizabeth was weighed, measured, her hands and feet prints taken and washed without our knowledge or consent.  Up until that point - yeah, fine I know that is what they do.  But taking those photos.... the undignified, sterile, naked photo where she is on a cold hard surface like a piece of meat.  No, she needed me or her father, to wrap her up, love her, hold her and be with her, talking to her and letting her know we were here with her perfect body... 
I am so very sure, if I had been able to those things or her; weigh her, measure her, bathe and clothe her - I would have done so, with so much love and I would feel better about it now, I just can't help feeling so helpless to these things.  I have not thought about that photo for a long time and yes, it makes me so very, very sad.


-------


I'm very overwhelmed right now and feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew.  On the rare good day, I encourage myself to steep out of my comfort zone and make plans; head into the city to lay flowers, go round to a friends for a few hours, meet up with a friend here or there (somewhere I could make my excuses at anytime) or go for a swim.  Usually I've gone through with these tentative plans.
A few days ago I invited a friend round for dinner with her two young children and I want to back-out now.  Its not because I don't want them to visit, it just because I've not left any time for me.  I am used to sitting around doing my own thing, reading, eating when I want, going for a walk when I want, but mostly being in my head, feeling what I need/want to feel and just being and writing here.  
Andy having the last 6 days off hasn't helped my thinking or writing - I've just been reacting to events around me, not having an independent thought of my own - I don't like bottling things up, I need to write and to think.


I've now realised that I've ran out of time - My Ma and her husband, Paul are due out to visit on Sunday for 3 weeks.  It was arranged when I was visiting them back in May.  Ma was going to come out and coo over Elizabeth; her first, Grandchild.  She would have those weeks to just spend with Elizabeth and I.  To hell with sightseeing in Australia; she didn't care - this from the woman who has only been on holiday to Egypt and Tunisia and hates flying. 
The thought of Ma coming is, in itself a whole different kettle of fish.  I do want to see her, but know its going to be very, very hard.  Just picking them up from the airport is hard enough to think of; I had hopes of Elizabeth and I meeting them and there would be tears of joy and wonderment - now just tears of sorrow and pain.  I feel like I've failed Ma, losing her Granddaughter.  I know that showing Ma, Elizabeth's room, her clothes and toys is going to bring it all back for me too - what should have been...


I don't want Ma to know the extent of my grief, because there is nothing she can do to bring Elizabeth back to me.  I don't want to show her how much I hurt -  know a mothers love; the all encompassing love you have for your offspring, its unconditional and I would do anything to take away any pain Elizabeth would have -  I just don't want to give Ma any of my grief.


I don't know why I panic over time to be honest.  I have just gotten down what I was so uptight about and I still have plenty of time to myself now.  I just get over whelmed with an urgency to get things off my chest and if I can't do it there and then; I panic, I get frustrated and short and that just plonks more onto my plate of 'things to deal with' that I just don't need.  I just hope that I can have some time to myself once Ma is here - I'll have to explain in kind words.


Now time to make 'happy' - J is due round with her kids.  I do love seeing my friend J, she has offered a lot of support and I know that I will need that in the times to come - there is no use locking myself away and burning those built bridges.  Anyway, she is a lovely person and really tries to 'get it' - bless her cotton socks.

Day 7

A photo that makes me happy.


Erm....


Not sure about this to be honest - really happy?  I love the photos of Elizabeth, I love them as those are the only images I have of her.  My minds eye may not have her details completely right, but her photos do and that jogs my memory. I treasure those photos of her, I will do forever. 
Today nothing could make me feel happy to be honest - I feel like I'm in a hole, a big dark pit of desperation.  I am teetering on the edge of tears and Elizabeth is never very far from my words and thoughts - both of them; Taggpole too.


We laid tulips down for our babies at Vic Gardens - I was suddenly struck by the thought that I shouldn't be doing this; yes, I was and had been laying flowers for Taggpole for over a year now, but to just realise that I shouldn't be doing this now for Elizabeth.  That shocked me and brought fresh feelings of hopelessness and the total unfairness of it all - WHY did we loss our baby girl?  WHY did it have to be our Elizabeth also?  Hadn't we already gone through enough losing Taggpole?  Why am I laying flowers for the other half of our family?  I just don't understand, I can't comprehend why.  This shouldn't have happened to us, it shouldn't happen at all.


I've got to talk myself around now - or these feeling will eat away at me and I'll just be a bitter and twisted old hag (or something just as ugly, because being that way makes the person).  I have got to say, that I don't want to remember Elizabeth for making me into that sort of person.  I don't want to feel that all she has left me with, is pain.  She brought me so much more than that and everyday I want to remember her for these and future lessons.  


I am so grateful you came into our world.  Elizabeth, you gave me so much happiness, gave us so much happiness as a couple - we had a visual show of our love, an outward sign to everyone that we are in love, had made love and we are ready to welcome our child into this love we share.  Wow, we loved everything!  
I loved the fact that my body was growing a home for a little someone else body, my body sustaining yours.  
I loved the fact that I had a nose like a blood hound and could smell an unwashed armpit from 40 paces and couldn't tolerate cooking - due to being 'happy sick' all day long.  
Every time you moved Elizabeth, every squirm, every hiccup, every roll, kick and stretch; I loved them all.
I loved it when you'd 'dance' with us to my music
I loved when I'd read out load for you, you'd let me know with a movement that you were listening.
I loved how you made me want to see the world as a fantastic place - looking for the good in everyone and everything
I loved waking up and saying to you 'good morning sunshine'.
I loved stroking you, up your back and nudging your cute little butt.
Yes, I loved your sharp little elbows and knees, your trying to pop my belly button out from within.
I loved the fact that carrying you Elizabeth, I glowed, I was just so happy, so blissfully unaware of what was to come...


The last photo of us together the Friday before your birth on Sunday - bitter, but oh, so sweet looking at it