Happy Days

We first found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth in mid December, we had been trying desperately for three months after losing my first pregnancy; Taggpole at 16 weeks.
We were over joyed, such a happy day, the start of many, many more. There was no checking and peeing on handfuls of tests, but I did make an appointment with my GP for as soon as possible.  I was thrilled to go in for blood tests every few days - but that was until I got the results back; Dr C told me to expect a miscarriage, the hCG wasn't doubling and to get bloods done in a week.  That was over the Christmas and New Year break - Happy fucking holidays to you too Dr C!  That wait I remember being very long, terrifying and not to mention helpless, I think I talked myself into believing the same was going to happen again and we were going to lose this pregnancy.  Hardest thing for us was forcing a Christmas cheer when speaking to the family.
A week passed and A. took my bloods, taking them into work with him and he texted me later; '4444'.  Those digits where magic.  I felt like I could relax knowing that everything was going okay, knowing I'd jumped a hurdle - surely everything was going to be alright?

Oh, I loved the fact that I was growing a little person inside.  I always wanted a girl, A. did too.  I suddenly had reason to take better care of myself again, eat properly, exercise right and making sure I was doing all I could to make this the perfect start to our child's life.  I brought and read all the books, had the magazines delivered, joined the mailing lists and forums and I had the apps on my iphone - I just couldn't get enough information in me!  Excitement is a total understatement, I wanted to be as ready as I ever could be - forewarned is forearmed I thought.

'Happy sick' was dubbed the new thought of the day for the first and some of the next trimester, with Taggpole's pregnancy I hardly felt it - things had changed with Elizabeth. I didn't up chuck too much, but it was my sense of smell that was through the roof!  I could smell a stinky pit at 1000 paces; I felt like a blood hound and was therefore put off most things that gave off a remotely unpleasant smell.  Onions were the worst, I still can't stand them even now!  But, I was lucky in the fact that it was summertime and there was loads of lovely, sweet smelling fruit and crisp salads to eat; those were my main cravings - Oh and plenty of fruit smoothies with mint; those were my favourite.

We went up North to the tropics for A's birthday in January, we had a fantastic 5 days there!  

It was only there in the heat and humidity that the 'all day' sickness took full hold and was very sick.  This pool was outside our room and we spent long, pruney hours in there with the underwater camera.

Here I am at the beach making drip castles - mid February; just days before our world shifted.

We booked a private ultrasound at 12 weeks and were beside ourselves with joy at seeing our little girl, seeing and hearing her heart beating like a galloping horse - it was music to our ears.  

Only when Dr N was measuring the nuchal translucency was there any question about her development.  Results came back to us a day later that was deemed, Elizabeth had a 1 in 31 chance of having Down's Syndrome.  We went back to Dr N that day and underwent a CVS.  The two days it took for initial results to come were very hard (we paid extra to get the FISH results, otherwise it have been 2 weeks before hearing anything).  No, not just 'hard', I think that was the hardest I'd known things to get up until that point!  The not knowing and having to make a decision about our baby girl right there and then; whether we would keep or terminate her if she had Down's?  That was fucking hard looking back, but compared to my pain now at having to live without her - that is nothing.

I digress.  It was also another stark reminder that week, that the ground could disappear beneath our feet; it was Taggpole's due date.  Things were at an all time low, not helped by the fact that my youngest sister was visiting and she just didn't 'get it'.

The phone call we got from Dr N was short and brief; everything was 'normal', our little Elizabeth was chromosomally perfect!  Relief.  We also found out her sex then - we'd had enough surprises by that time.  Now we really did relax, we'd been through the emotional mill and was willing to go with the flow.  I continued will my yoga and swimming which I loved (where I first had Braxton Hicks) and began in ernest to plan for Elizabeth to come into our world.

Pictures from the 19 week ultrasound.  

These were taken from the dvd we got of that scan - it breaks my heart to know that I have moving images of Elizabeth alive...  will I ever watch it again?

 The blissful sound of her heart

At 20 weeks - April 8th, I started to take photos of my growing tummy.
Oh, how I loved to see us grow.

Week 21 - April 14th

Week 22 - April 21st

Elizabeth and I went to see Lamb, where I sang my heart out to the deafening tunes (my favourite song being Gabriel), we went to hear the Dali Lama talk here in Melbourne and we also went back to the UK to visit the families.  We went back by ourselves for the month of May, arriving days before Ma's birthday, where we had a great family gathering and BBQ.

Week 23 - April 30th. At Ma's

 This photo is dear to me.  The cat; Becky was a magnet to Elizabeth, she wouldn't leave us alone.  

She is gone also and this is one of that last photos of her.

Week 24 - May 2nd. At Ma's

It was great to catch up with Ma's side of the family and the sisters and I had a great time!

Family bonding at its best.  I & K

Week 24 - May 5th.  Yeah, not trying to push her out - much!

After spending time with Ma up in Lincolnshire I went down to Deal to visit M and Dad.  On the way past Dover we saw one of the Princess ships in dock (A. had just left working for them, strange to see and not board it) I had been on that one; Capt Bill was the one who took us around the world.

From there M and I went to Gaia House - a silent mediation retreat of 3 days.  I had been there before, such a calm, tranquil place in the middle of the rolling hills of Devon and really touched base with myself.  Gaia house feels like a home to me - I wonder if I'll ever get back there?  I can still remember the noise of the crows when trying to meditating in the hall - so loud and funny!

This is my view from the pagoda.  

At the top of the estate, where the only noise comes from the birds and bleating lambs in the next field.

Week 25 - May 8th

Calm and full of peace, optimism, hope and joy.

This is me living in the moment and loving it.

From there I spent time with Dad and his side of the family - there was a gathering of everyone.  All but four members of the family was there; Myself from Australia, my cousins and new daughter from the California and my Uncle from the Seattle, all there at the same time.

Us all - May 16th.  My cousin standing a person away from me also was pregnant, she had her second son 3 weeks after Elizabeth's birth.  I don't think I'll be able to handle seeing Jacob.

My Auntie B and cousins hand made Elizabeth a fantastic play mat. The hare in the middle is Little Nutbrown Hare, from Guess How Much I Love You All Year Round.  I was so touched by that.  

It is still waiting to be laid out and played on.

I was just such a wonderful time with the family, quality time with everyone and was able to really catch up, over a fantastic feed (pink fluff was made too!).  I couldn't have asked for a better visit with them all.  From Didcot to Angel, London where I was staying with my sisters.  K and I had such fun, we swam, we shopped, we wandered and explored.  St Martin-in-the-Fields concerts were great and again, just spending time with her was awesome.

Week 26 - May 18th.  At K's

Week 27 - May 26th.  At Ma's

Week 28 - June 3rd.  At home again and very happy to have A. back!

Arriving back at home at 7 months pregnant, gave A and I lots of time to go out and get all the necessary (and otherwise) baby paraphernalia.  We were lucky that a Mothercare had just opened a store near by, but it was so easy to buy things for our little girl. Soon the nursery was ready to go, all we needed was the arrival of miss Elizabeth Layne.  I was also busy with practical things to do, making and freezing dozens of home cooked meals, birthing and breast feeding classes, hospital appointments, car seat instillation and buying more cute oneies and ladybug fairy lights.

Week 29 - June 9th

Week 30 - June 16th

Almost week 31 - with a huge packet of my favourite English chocolate, thank you A.

O boy was I eating all the sweet stuff now!

Week 31 - June 23rd

Week 32 - July 2nd

Week 33 - July 7th

Week 34 - July 16th

Week 35 - July 21st

Here is me showing off to K the wonderful sling she made us - filing it with 7lbs of potatoes, thawed ice poles and a banana or two.  I just love the pattern!  She is so talented its so much better than a shop brought one - made for us.

My first knitting project - Elizabeth's Monkey, he has a curly tail with a bell in the end of it.

I just just finished it then, after starting it about 3 months before.

Week 37 - August 4th.  Not sure what happened to week 36's photo.

This week we attended the Winter Ball with A's work collaegues - I wore high heels, a full length, beautiful metallic grey dress and I kick myself for not getting a picture of us dancing.  We met so many lovely people there, some of which had become very close, supportive friends to us both.

Week 38 - August 11th

Getting bigger, slower and a lot more tired.  Feeling Elizabeth move was just awesome - I think I first felt her at 16 weeks and A. felt her a few weeks later.  I will never forget the wonder of that.  She used to try poking my belly button out, with an elbow or heel - it hurt sometimes, but always made me laugh.  We actually used A's stethoscope to hear her heartbeat too - such precious memories.

Week 39 - August 18th

Friday August 21st - 39 weeks and 3 days

This is the last photo we have of us.  I am sleeping in a coffee shop's armchair, I am knackered.  We had to bring the car into the city to get repaired - a lady in a big SUV reversed into our packed car, while we were in a baby shop buying Elizabeth's bassinet mattress.  The car was in for the entire day, we decided to stay in town; it was more bother going home and coming back in to collect it.  So we killed hours in that coffee shop, drinking my favourite Signature Hot Chocolate and falling asleep.   

I remember being so uncomfortable and changing seats countless times in our hours spent there, but A managed to capture this peaceful moment - I couldn't look at this photo for a long time; just wishing with all my might to get transported back to that time and live life from there.  

I always used the name 'Gerty' when asked for my name for my order in that coffee shop - I love that name, but would never use it to name a child of mine - Gerty now represents the girl I was back then; she died too.

Oh how bloody different I'd do things, knowing what I know now.

Later that night my waters would break....

Day 21 - A recipe

Oh, now I do have some really nice recipes.

When pregnant with Elizabeth I was so turned off food, all cooking smells would just make me want to hurl!  Especially onions, the worse thing about cooking with onions was the chopping; the smell would linger on my fingers for days - I kid you not!  I had a nose like a blood hound, every smell was heightened; onions my particular enemy.  Anyway, I could cook things only once, the after smell was too much to bare doing again, so I got through many recipes and cold meals, only to be totally off all those cooked meals once the 'all-day' sickness had run its course.

I had to come up with new ways to eat good nutritious food, but in a bland way that I could actually eat.  It goes without saying that I was taking the antenatal multi vitamins, to fill in all the gaps that my diet was missing - I'd like to think that I did okay though. I was totally off the sweet things until the 3rd trimester, then I'd just want to eat lots of green fresh things and sweet chocolatey things.

One of my favourites was a vegetable bake - cram as much veggies, with mushrooms, chicken or some sort of protein into a baking dish and whack on a cheesy white sauce -  with more cheese on top and bake.  I'd put sprouts, broccoli, peas, courgette, sweetcorn, green beans, runner beans, then potato and sweet potato - not all in the one mind you, but I'd cook a few of them up and freeze them.  I'd make a big vat of white sauce using wholemeal flour - it seemed that I couldn't stand white things; pasta, bread, cakes...  still turns my tummy now.
Anyway, it was also summer here for the first half of my pregnancy, so I had a lot of non-smelly salads and bland stir fries.  I didn't much like meat either, a bit of chicken sometimes - I still don't eat a lot of it now - One thing I couldn't do without, and that is bacon!  Ah, the toe curling smells of crispy bacon!!

Anyway, I digress.  The recipe.  This is my favourite, sweet thing to make right now - the chocolate brownie.

I love making these, because they are so good to eat raw, while making them and once baked.  I must admit that I have never used melted chocolate in loo of milk or water before!!

Ingredients
250g unsalted butter
200g dark chocolate - 70% cocoa solids
75g roughly chopped walnuts
80g cocoa powder, sifted
65g plain wholemeal flour, sifted
1 teaspoon baking powder
360g caster sugar
4 large free-range eggs

Preheat oven to 180'C/350'F/gas mark 4
Line a 25cm square baking tin with grease proof paper
Melt butter and chocolate in bain-marie - once smooth add the walnuts
In a separate bowl mix dry ingredients together, then add to chocolate mixture - stir together well
Beat the eggs and mix until you have a silky consistency
Pour mixture into the lined baking tray and bake for 25 minutes

You don't want to over cook them, they should be slightly springy on the outside, but still gooey in the middle.  Allow to cool in the tray and then transfer to chopping board to cut into chunky squares.

Enjoy!  I do, but now I have to have a good excuse to make them - I was getting through far too much butter and that was a sickening thought to be honest....

Anyone have a birthday coming up?

Day 20

A hobby and how has it changed?

Erm....  Drawing up blank again.

I have a fancy, all singing, all dancing camera - it hasn't been out of its case in a long while.
Andy and I went around the world on a cruise, it was a trip of a lifetime and I snapped everything that didn't move, I loved taking photos and came back home with thousands.  I wanted to upgrade the computer program that I was using to get the best out of those photos - all I managed to do was screw up my exsiting program and bundle all those thousands of photos into one album.  I tried, oh, did I try!  I pulled my hair out and I eventually gave up.  All those photos are on a hard drive, in a basket sitting along side all electrical item not used - wasted... but still there waiting for me.
I should start again, if I can't get anything out of the photos that I did take, then I should at least take more, keep track of us now.

I did knit Monkey while expecting Elizabeth, my first knitting project and it took me months!

Okay his ears are wonky and he's a little over stuffed, but I made him for my baby girl.  He has a curly tail with a bell at the end of it and I'm going to find some red velcro to put on his hands and feet.  It will forever be Elizabeth's Monkey and will sew a 'heart tag' on his bottom to show this.  All Elizabeth's toys I'll do this for and they'll all be handed down to another baby, when that happens (PMA) and I find comfort in knowing that Monkey will be played with one day.

I knitted Andy a huge winter scarf, with tassels in the middle of making Monkey.  I have brought wool for a hat that I'll make for Kayla's birthday next month, but have yet to start that, or even look at the pattern - it looks daunting.

I had actually brought material to make Elizabeth a tree.  I had it all planned.  It was to be a hanging for her room, a big blue cloth sky and the tree, I'd knit the trunk and some big branches, sewing the rest in with wool.  I'd make all the green leaves individually out of felt and then made the Autumn leaves too that I could swap around with the changing seasons.  I'd make bugs and a nest with birds, and a swing to put in the tree and there would be this great rainbow over it all.  Rainbows would be the 'theme' in her room and bright colours.  Her light fitting was a yellow globe signifying the sun, a flying gull attached to the ceiling and she had a green rug on the wooden floor - why am I using the past tense?  These things are all still there in her room, its just that Elizabeth isn't here anymore.

I do still want to make these things, I will ask my artistic mother to help me draw her tree out, that is a start and I know I will want to continue to work on it once it is started.

*********

It has been awhile since I started this blog now and I have hardly told any of Elizabeth's story.  I realise that her birth is her story and I am steering away from that; it was traumatic for me and have only written about it once in my 'Morning Pages' or 'Mourning Pages' as I'll be calling them from now onward.

I guess this blog has been very disjointed, I'm doing the 30 posts in 30 days and that is my starting block, to see if I really want to continue and to see if I get any benefit from all this writing and navel gazing.  I am writing a lot more that I am posting here to be honest; my dear friend L and I are exchanging many mails and I am taking great comfort with our connection, mutual understanding, support and friendship.  Rightly so they take president over my writing here.

I will try and bring this blog up to speed once the 30 posts are completed.  I want to have a complete picture of my feelings, thoughts and actions on this path that I've found myself travelling.  I also want the memories down here, in their entirety - I do have the time, I just wanted to make that intention real.  This place is for me and all my feelings and the 30 posts has enabled me to focus the often raging torrent of emotions.  It has only been 10 weeks and two day since Elizabeth has come into our lives, I'm still finding my way in the darkness and find that sometimes just thinking about the unfairness of it all far too over whelming - so I write around her.

Day 18

Our Wedding - April 26th 2008

I think this picture sums up the day perfectly we had a ball!

Looking at this picture now... wow, the pure happiness that I was feeling, my heart out there on my sleeve for all to see.  This was us, free to smile, to be happy and enjoy ourselves, Oh we did!

We married back in the England, Yealmpton in Devon at a wonderful country estate; Kitley House.  It was the warmest, bright day so far that year and it had been raining the day before and then again the next - we were very lucky with the fine weather.
Almost all the family was around us, all of A's small family and the majority of the 46 cousins I have.  Everything was under one roof - we married in Kitley and then had the reception meal and celebrations there afterward, then went up to bed there.  That was part of the charm, no driving for us or your guest who may of had a long journey to make.  We booked out the whole place, it was just filled with everyone we wanted to share our special day with, it was an intimate and cozy venue and loved every minute of it.

Our photographer was excellent and everyone likes to see wedding photos, so here they are - I could have put all 426 on here but, here are the ones that make me smile the most.  I love looking through these : )

I just love the shoe shot, taken through the window over looking the school fields from your funky flat - so light and airy it was with foot thick walls, a spiral staircase and exposed steel beams!

Some before pictures taken around the grounds of the (renovated) Naval Hospital, which we lived.

Me and my Pa in the back of a very nice Beauford convertable.  We had to drive through the centre of Plymouth to get to Kitley, I felt like royalty waving back to everyone.

Sisters Kayla and Issy and little niece Jenny

Before I said 'I do'.

Handsome man and his best man

Pa gives me away...

And Andy takes me.

Everyone!

Cheesy 'thank you' card photo

This we have blown up and framed in our living room - I love the green-ness of Devon.

Lots of fun and laughter with the sisters

Pa made the fantastic pots for the flowers - the stamp says; Tess & Andy 26th April 2008.

Every 'sub-family' and friend could take a pot home - we have three that I can see from this chair.

Ma made and decorated the cake.  

A boozy fruit layer, a moist chocolate one, toped with a lemon layer - it tasted divine.

We really wowed everyone with our first dance, to Snow Patrol's - Set Fire To The Third Bar.

It fitted us perfectly, more on the why's later I think.

Kitley House that fine April night

Need I say more?

I smile when I see these, smile with a longing to have these blissfully happy couple back.  Rewind and play again from there please - take me back to this time, let me know this happiness again and let us live our lives from this point forward...  Please?

Along with the longing to go back and have those happy times again, I can actually still feel that happiness, the excitement of the day; its deeply embedded into those memories and within the photos.  If I can still feel all that by looking at these from two and a half years ago - well that gives me the confidence that I will remember everything about our sweet Elizabeth and that, is truly comforting.

I am so grateful for the husband I have, the love we have and the future we will have.  A friend commented to me, how wonderful it is that Andy is here for me and we can hold each other up, she said 'its one of the wonderful things about picking the right man' - how right she is.