Day 20

A hobby and how has it changed?

Erm....  Drawing up blank again.

I have a fancy, all singing, all dancing camera - it hasn't been out of its case in a long while.
Andy and I went around the world on a cruise, it was a trip of a lifetime and I snapped everything that didn't move, I loved taking photos and came back home with thousands.  I wanted to upgrade the computer program that I was using to get the best out of those photos - all I managed to do was screw up my exsiting program and bundle all those thousands of photos into one album.  I tried, oh, did I try!  I pulled my hair out and I eventually gave up.  All those photos are on a hard drive, in a basket sitting along side all electrical item not used - wasted... but still there waiting for me.
I should start again, if I can't get anything out of the photos that I did take, then I should at least take more, keep track of us now.

I did knit Monkey while expecting Elizabeth, my first knitting project and it took me months!

Okay his ears are wonky and he's a little over stuffed, but I made him for my baby girl.  He has a curly tail with a bell at the end of it and I'm going to find some red velcro to put on his hands and feet.  It will forever be Elizabeth's Monkey and will sew a 'heart tag' on his bottom to show this.  All Elizabeth's toys I'll do this for and they'll all be handed down to another baby, when that happens (PMA) and I find comfort in knowing that Monkey will be played with one day.

I knitted Andy a huge winter scarf, with tassels in the middle of making Monkey.  I have brought wool for a hat that I'll make for Kayla's birthday next month, but have yet to start that, or even look at the pattern - it looks daunting.

I had actually brought material to make Elizabeth a tree.  I had it all planned.  It was to be a hanging for her room, a big blue cloth sky and the tree, I'd knit the trunk and some big branches, sewing the rest in with wool.  I'd make all the green leaves individually out of felt and then made the Autumn leaves too that I could swap around with the changing seasons.  I'd make bugs and a nest with birds, and a swing to put in the tree and there would be this great rainbow over it all.  Rainbows would be the 'theme' in her room and bright colours.  Her light fitting was a yellow globe signifying the sun, a flying gull attached to the ceiling and she had a green rug on the wooden floor - why am I using the past tense?  These things are all still there in her room, its just that Elizabeth isn't here anymore.

I do still want to make these things, I will ask my artistic mother to help me draw her tree out, that is a start and I know I will want to continue to work on it once it is started.

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It has been awhile since I started this blog now and I have hardly told any of Elizabeth's story.  I realise that her birth is her story and I am steering away from that; it was traumatic for me and have only written about it once in my 'Morning Pages' or 'Mourning Pages' as I'll be calling them from now onward.

I guess this blog has been very disjointed, I'm doing the 30 posts in 30 days and that is my starting block, to see if I really want to continue and to see if I get any benefit from all this writing and navel gazing.  I am writing a lot more that I am posting here to be honest; my dear friend L and I are exchanging many mails and I am taking great comfort with our connection, mutual understanding, support and friendship.  Rightly so they take president over my writing here.

I will try and bring this blog up to speed once the 30 posts are completed.  I want to have a complete picture of my feelings, thoughts and actions on this path that I've found myself travelling.  I also want the memories down here, in their entirety - I do have the time, I just wanted to make that intention real.  This place is for me and all my feelings and the 30 posts has enabled me to focus the often raging torrent of emotions.  It has only been 10 weeks and two day since Elizabeth has come into our lives, I'm still finding my way in the darkness and find that sometimes just thinking about the unfairness of it all far too over whelming - so I write around her.