Our visitors are leaving late tonight - I can't say that its not a bad thing. I hate it that I don't want to be around anyone, I especially feel sorry for Ma. I can lie to myself and not see the hurt in her eyes, not see the distance that has taken over here under my own roof - we spoke more when she was on the other side of the world! What is wrong with me?!
My layers of skin aren't thick enough to break down in front of known people yet - strangers I couldn't give a hoot about and they, me. I am a very private person and I feel with such an over whelming intensity that more often than not, I haven't a clue about the what it is I'm feeling... its just there and I react along the path of least resistance. That is my new mantra if I'm questioning myself, not, what is the best thing for me to do, or what anyone else would expect of me, or even what other 'babylost' people might have done - I'm asking myself what my threshold can take... No not even that, I'm treating myself like a incapable 12 year old and having the lowest expectations and just taking it from there.
But today is different, I want to pull out all the stops and connect with Ma in real time. I know that down the line in weeks or even months to come, I'm going to be kicking myself for not doing so when I had the chance - I'll not see her for another year or so and that is if we're lucky.
BUT isn't that selfish of me for the future me? Why not do this just for her? Just one day; one selfless day - can I do that, have I got the strength to put myself and Elizabeth away for one day and do what is right? Can I ignore the longing, the injustice, the pain, the rage of emotions, my empty arms, the quite house, the hushed words, the lack of baby paraphernalia lying around the house? Can I ignore the fact that Elizabeth is not here? It makes my heart break and the tears flow, just thinking that is what I have planned for today. How can I do this, how can I even try to deny my dear sweet baby girl? I'd be denying me as a mother too - not that I see myself as one.... Just as my Grandma is still my Grandma, she isn't here anymore, but she will always be my Grandma. This is how I am to continue to mother Elizabeth - shifted to obscurity.
Operation Pink Flamingo (total distraction) is underway today, the mission is to connect with The Mother. Just writing that says it to me - I've got to open up, connect with the mother in us both, help her understand that its not her that I'm shunning, it just is my way of surviving; my self protection barriers going up.
Why use my strength on her, she doesn't need it to breathe like I do? I know she grieves for my daughter, probably grieves for me; her daughter that she sees as so very different now.
That is why it is called a selfless act - doing the right thing.
Round and round a circle, like a teddy bear....
The spiral continues and I get nowhere fast. I will take the day as it presents itself. I will try not to just react to others, and make my own actions. It will be interesting how things pan out during the day, to see how the self imposed pressure eases (PMA). Fingers crossed all will be well.
It is pouring hard here and a great deal of comfort is in that alone
Thinking of you L and our dear babies
Sweet Tess- strength to you- I am amazed at all you have done in these weeks.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud that you are doing only what YOU alone can do- yours is the only path you need to concern yourself with right now. Treat yourself with all of the same love and grace that you have for Elizabeth- you deserve nothing less.
You gave your ma the greatest gift ever upon her departure. I admire you so very much Tess- that was truly amazing.
The babies are right there with you keeping themselves busy with their friendship and loving on us whenever we need it- which is of course, often. I wonder if their playing is what sends us comfort- that ther laughter and joy travels to us in the moments we need it most. I hope so- more than anything.
So much love Tess- Leslie