I am very aware that this space is lacking. Its lacking Elizabeth's story and the serious thoughts that I have been left with since her birth. This isn't the only space that I write in, I have the 'Mourning Pages' that I wrote in to begin with and then writing to my dearest friend L. I'm not worried that there isn't the full story here for anyone to read, its more to do with me looking back and are unable to piece together my full days.
Writing to L is my priority - we 'talk' so much about our everyday struggles, we laugh together, take the micky out of each other - we do this because we can. We are understood so completely, so fully that there is no hiding behind our grief; we explore the changing aspects of it together. We support each other, we encourage each other and we are there for each other in this dark and lonely place. The one person who I don't shy away from on any matter...
I don't mean to take anything away from A, he is my rock, my security blanket and the love of my life - but to tell him all of my inner most private self; all my 'isiums' and idiosyncrasies... too much. He would worry, rather than understand and would want to try and fix me - L understands and shares hers, I end up feeling validated and and not quite so bonkers. I thank you L for being here for me, I am so glad to have met you under such devastating circumstances and I value our friendship enormously.
I'm not quite sure how to continue this...
Lost track of my leading thought and intention for My Space.
So far all that can be seen here, is me thinking around Elizabeth and the grief I am in - my days are mundane, I do a lot of navel gazing. I guess that is why I found comfort in doing the 30 posts in 30 days - a focus for the white hot jumble of emotions. I don't feel interesting enough to carry that on now; about 'where I live', or what my days are full of, and I certainly can't see beyond my nose to plan anything of great consequence. As for my dreams for the next year? That is simple, I dream of only one thing; a healthy, live baby to bring home with me. I couldn't care less about the other 'things' in my life right now - its A. and I, and that is all.
A. starts his set of night shifts tonight - that gives me all the time and space to really write. I really want to write about Elizabeth's pregnancy and eventually her birth story. I know the latter is going to be tough; reliving that terrifying time and I know I will need those few days undisturbed to get it all out.
Yes, that is a plan I'm going to work towards now - I will have those completed by the end of this week...
Hopefully.
You're a brave woman, Tess, thinking about writing Elizabeth's birth story and about your pregnancy. While I have told both countless times since Otis died, I am finding it impossible to breathe when I even *think* about writing his birth story down. I still have a lot of PTSD-like flashbacks of those three days, and I'm just not sure I could handle writing it. Of course it haunts me to think that I'm somehow harming/hindering/delaying my grieving process by NOT writing it down, as well. So I'm curious, if you don't mind me asking, when you say you want to write Elizabeth's story down, what do you find is motivating you to do so? I only ask because I keep feeling like there are things I'm "supposed" to be doing (and writing his birth story is one of them) but I'm just not ready, and I know everyone will say that I don't have to unless or until I'm ready...but coming here and seeing that you're ready, or about to be ready, I'm so curious about what that feels like for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd no need to answer if you feel I'm being pushy.
much love to you.
sarah
I am so proud of you my precious friend. I am here, I am listening and I know the babies will be with you for every single word you write. Elizabeth will sit upon your hands and watch you- I know she will be there Tess- look at all of the colors around you.
ReplyDeleteYou are always my priority- but then you already know that. What a gift we have Tess- it is truly amazing. Our children knew exactly what we needed didn't they...
Sarah,
ReplyDeletethe thought of writing Elizabeth's birth story gives me palpitations. I too have these flashbacks that come to tear me apart in the darkness. I guess the overwhelming reason I feel I should write it down now, is that I have three whole days coming up where I will be undisturbed.
Also I feel a restlessness within me and if I get the whole lot down here, a weight will be lifted from my shoulders - it's like an itch that needs scratching, I can only try and ignore it for long before it becomes a serious need/want for me.
I have told Elizabeth's birth story a few times and have managed to get it down on paper once - I found a sense of peace afterward, like it I'd just ran a marathon and could sleep again. I need that sleep again, things have boiled to the top again over time and I need the release - I need to do more and just tell myself to 'calm down', when the flashbacks come.
I am sure Sarah, that you will come to that conclusion when you are ready - it will present itself. Try asking if the pain of writing it down, is more than bottling up - what takes more energy to do in the long term. I must say that writing this reply to you has made me truly head strong to my original intention - thank you for your questions Sarah, and my chance to think myself stronger.
I also think that starting off, telling of our pregnancy first, I am reconnecting with Elizabeth and I loved being pregnant - it contrasts against the terror I feel about her birth and makes me want to get the wonderful down too.
I hope this has helped you in some way Sarah - it will come. Much strength to you, love too
Tess
Still got to pluck up the courage and just write...
ReplyDeleteI say tomorrow, but does that ever come? I had a good day and didn't want to burst that bubble - bare with me
Precious L - what a truly amazing gift, they knew just what we needed. Love you, thank you
I wrote Chai's story because I don't remember a lot of if and I wanted to put down what I do remember. There are pieces I left out for legal reasons, but it's all there on my computer. I don't know that I have even read it once since. It hurts too much. Much heart felt love to you as you tell Elizabeth's story.
ReplyDelete