Breathing Easier

Operation Pink Flamingo was hard - bloody hard to get into, but I got there and was present with them.  There is no gold medal, or reward for doing so, but no regrets for really trying my best.

It was raining all day, just like it does back in the UK and it took me back in some ways, to the innocent times before I knew all this grief and loss in my life - it seems like such a long time ago, reality tells me it was just a single year and four long months ago.  Can I find a 'rewind button' and go back to that time, can I please go back and have my time with Elizabeth again - even knowing her outcome would be the same?  I just want to hold her again, feel her weight in my arms and whisper how much I love her....
But surely if I could go back, there would also be away I could prevent her slipping from my grasp; that my whole world would be different right now.  I would demand life.

But I digress.  Yesterday I bullied myself to do as much as I possible with them - I even made a batch of rock cakes (they are P's favourite).  I know that I couldn't do more; couldn't offer anymore than I did of me and I hope that was recognised and accepted.

All I wanted to do was close out the world and concentrate on myself - I honestly don't know the reason why, I'm not sure what my leading thought is?  What is the aim of sitting in this chair all day writing? Why do I just write and think and read - to what end; what purpose?  I guess it saves me from dwelling too much, on what I would and should be doing with Elizabeth.  Also serving to distract me form the 'real' world; of jobs, families and friends, as well as the greater things; other peoples war, the poor economy and the destruction of our planet
I read somewhere that grief is a journey, for one to get their head around and accept the fact their loved one is gone, dead and never coming back.  Am I getting any closer to that goal?  I know Elizabeth isn't coming back, but getting my head and more so my heart around that is somewhat harder - its going to take a lifetime from where I'm sitting.

Yes, my head space is a mess.
My environment however is not - I have sorted that aspect out; it is something I can control to a greater extent.

I was totally knackered after my 'normal' day yesterday, just as it is exhausting to run at an other's pace.  I used the day as one huge distraction - after all it is just one day and I know I can tend to my wants the next day, and the day after that and that...
This grief is not going to go away by just ignoring it, to be honest, I didn't ignore it all at, I just changed the face that I put out there.  I was present, to my guests, but also very present to my thoughts of Elizabeth.  The rain helped me with that and I am very grateful.

I am numb now - going to reconnect; to read out Once Upon A Rainbow