Day 19 - taken from todays notes

A Talent of yours?

So what talent do I have?
I don't think I have one to be honest

I can't sing, or play an instrument
I have no great sporting prowess
I am not a mathematical genius
And I really don't have an artistic bone in my body
I am no clairvoyant
I can't perform magic
I am not multilingual
I don't even have a job, the ones I have had were just that; jobs that you learn and progress in.

I know A. finds my 'dancing' eyebrows cool - I can move them independently from each other.  Talent says to me that it is something that I'm born with - a natural aptitude or skill.

My self worth has taken a massive hit.
It has made me question everything I do and reevaluating it.
Has me questioning my life, what I've done with my life and what is left for me to work with - I'm coming up blank.

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I am lost.

I am sitting in a window watching the world go by.  It is busy and there are a lot of bumps, prams and happy families to watch - they are all in the 'game of life', and me I'm just an observer, sitting here on the sidelines, watching, waiting for my turn again.  Am I just talking about being pregnant again?  Yes, No.  I want what I should have, what was whipped away from me - I should be living that life, I should have my dear Elizabeth strapped to my chest in her Baby Bjorn.

I am hating this world right now, I just want to run away from it all - I didn't sign up for this, this wasn't in my plan; my wants and wishes for this life.

Streams of Conscious

I hate the fact that I'm hating myself
I hate this persistent lump in my throat
I hate these tears always wanting to fall
I hate the pain that is my life blood now

There is nothing I can take for this pain
It courses through my every fibre, every thought

I hate that I can't function
I hate the fact that alone is the best
I hate that I see 'life' as a distraction
I hate that I need this isolation for my own
I hate that there is no one else to talk with

I don't want to talk to anyone
I must have understanding
I hate explaining what they can never comprehend
I hate the fact that that I haven't got my baby girl
I am so lost without her

************

Why can't I talk?
Its not just me and her
I don't want him to see me cry
I don't want him to share my emotion
There is no talking to the 'ugg man'

She doesn't understand
She's not delved deep
I don't expect her to
Elizabeth wasn't her daughter
I am

This is their holiday
'Don't expect too much from me
I am lost without her
I am broken, I am alone
I'm not just your daughter now
I'm a mother without her baby

I am only understood by those lost
I only understand words from the lost
It is all my world is - lost
It is all I gravitate to - the lost
I am lost
We are lost
Elizabeth is lost

************

And I am back to hating everything again

I hate the fact that the sun still shines
The stars still twinkle
The moon still rises
The tides still come and go

Why has the world dumped me off?
Why does it still turn without me?
Why does life still go forward?
Why am I the odd one out?

I am a freak
I'm a mother - I have no child here
I know a mother's love
My baby girl would be 10 weeks and a day old
And I am nothing
I am broken