Streams of conscious while out and about - usually hiding in plane sight.

I have been in Sydney, a getaway of sorts for A. and I.  And we did have fun, we did laugh and enjoy the sunshine, almost as much as we loved the rain, hail and storms that surrounded us there.  I had a hard time coming back, coming back down from a cloud where there was only a distant memory of a long lost daughter - boy did that crash landing hurt.

So, I will get on my 'blog hat' back on soon - maybe once our visitors leave at the end of the week.  Be assured though, I'll be back with the full explosive head mess that is my thoughts.  For now be pacified with these notes, taken from my pad - Streams of conscious while out and about - usually hiding in plane sight.

Thursday November 5th, from the Corner Shop window

Is today a good day?
I feel almost normal - the old me
I feel so very distant from my dear
Am I forgetting her and moving forward?

I feel guilty for having these lucid moments
these moments where the world is at rights
where I rejoice at the warm of the sun
bright skies and rhythm of it all

I have missed feeling this way
she almost feels foreign, a stranger
but I look into my heart, I see the 'ugly shoes'
they are still firmly there; painful, misshapen and bloody
I hate these shoes!

But I can't help but love them also
its the only connection I have
my scare of honour; my specialised subject

I wouldn't have it any other way, sweet Elizabeth
you are in my life - in my heart forever
I won't deny you, I won't deny these 'ugly shoes'
because I choose them, they are my grief

Elizabeth you aren't the pain in my heart, this grief is
Elizabeth you are my love, my memories and I cherish them
Elizabeth you are the future I long for

I am not alone looking for you in the bright colours
always remembered precious girl

I love you

*********

Darling Elizabeth
You are safe within me
I keep you in my heart
No bad can harm you there
You'll always be here
I'll always be here
This is where you reside
We'll always be together
We'll meet again, sweet Elizabeth

He can always me laugh
He is original and authentic
He is my man, my partner, my mate
He is my life-line, my life preserver
He is so very handsome
He is my love
He is my lover, my friend
He is your father, Elizabeth

***********

From the next day, again in the window of the Corner Shop

Why is it at night, when I an at rest

that the mice are running about, running amok?

But why is it that I think my lucid thoughts,

my best and most thoughtful thoughts then?

There is no distraction in the darkness

Under my eyelids and the stillness of nighttime

I wish all my days were nights

the clarity without meditation....

Saturday 7th at Sydney airport

Why am I feeling changed?

Why do I feel so far away from you?

Why so detached, why so distant?

I've only been away three nights

how have things changed so much?

Why do I feel normal, yet so wrong?

The pain is in my heart; its just...  Different

Its not at the front on my mind

I don't like it!

It seems my 'life' has taken over

there isn't reminders at every turn

her photo to glance at, to touch and talk to

I have been distracted from my grief

She's not forgotten, but she's not the first thought

I hate myself for getting on with things

for enjoying the sunshine and holiday atmosphere

I miss you Elizabeth

11 weeks and 2 days since your birthday

We would be inseparable

I don't know you my dearest sweet Elizabeth

All those dreams I had of us, ripped from me

Our family gone, just leaving a couple in love

Just two - we should be a family of four

I am lost, broken and at odds with the world again

This is familiar, these feels are known, safe

It shows me you were here, my love for you burns

and rips through me with a rage of not having you here

I won't give up these 'ugly shoes' - they fit

and I wear them with pride, dear Elizabeth

**************

Here I find you're more real

where I let myself feel you

All the horror around your birth

The all encompassing love too

I calm myself with you my sweet Elizabeth

I stroke your soft, silky hair

I smell that floral scent

I see your beautiful, peaceful face

I feel your cool, waxy skin, I try to warm you

with holding you close, with my tears, with my kisses

I want your skin to blush, to look anything but pale

I want to see your lips plump

I want to see you move, to breath, to open your eyes

I want to you to be alive, sweet baby girl

I want to you to be our future, my future and your fathers

I love you 

I am reconnected to you

Day 19 - taken from todays notes

A Talent of yours?

So what talent do I have?
I don't think I have one to be honest

I can't sing, or play an instrument
I have no great sporting prowess
I am not a mathematical genius
And I really don't have an artistic bone in my body
I am no clairvoyant
I can't perform magic
I am not multilingual
I don't even have a job, the ones I have had were just that; jobs that you learn and progress in.

I know A. finds my 'dancing' eyebrows cool - I can move them independently from each other.  Talent says to me that it is something that I'm born with - a natural aptitude or skill.

My self worth has taken a massive hit.
It has made me question everything I do and reevaluating it.
Has me questioning my life, what I've done with my life and what is left for me to work with - I'm coming up blank.

-------

I am lost.

I am sitting in a window watching the world go by.  It is busy and there are a lot of bumps, prams and happy families to watch - they are all in the 'game of life', and me I'm just an observer, sitting here on the sidelines, watching, waiting for my turn again.  Am I just talking about being pregnant again?  Yes, No.  I want what I should have, what was whipped away from me - I should be living that life, I should have my dear Elizabeth strapped to my chest in her Baby Bjorn.

I am hating this world right now, I just want to run away from it all - I didn't sign up for this, this wasn't in my plan; my wants and wishes for this life.

Streams of Conscious

I hate the fact that I'm hating myself
I hate this persistent lump in my throat
I hate these tears always wanting to fall
I hate the pain that is my life blood now

There is nothing I can take for this pain
It courses through my every fibre, every thought

I hate that I can't function
I hate the fact that alone is the best
I hate that I see 'life' as a distraction
I hate that I need this isolation for my own
I hate that there is no one else to talk with

I don't want to talk to anyone
I must have understanding
I hate explaining what they can never comprehend
I hate the fact that that I haven't got my baby girl
I am so lost without her

************

Why can't I talk?
Its not just me and her
I don't want him to see me cry
I don't want him to share my emotion
There is no talking to the 'ugg man'

She doesn't understand
She's not delved deep
I don't expect her to
Elizabeth wasn't her daughter
I am

This is their holiday
'Don't expect too much from me
I am lost without her
I am broken, I am alone
I'm not just your daughter now
I'm a mother without her baby

I am only understood by those lost
I only understand words from the lost
It is all my world is - lost
It is all I gravitate to - the lost
I am lost
We are lost
Elizabeth is lost

************

And I am back to hating everything again

I hate the fact that the sun still shines
The stars still twinkle
The moon still rises
The tides still come and go

Why has the world dumped me off?
Why does it still turn without me?
Why does life still go forward?
Why am I the odd one out?

I am a freak
I'm a mother - I have no child here
I know a mother's love
My baby girl would be 10 weeks and a day old
And I am nothing
I am broken

Day 11

A photo of you recently and how that makes you feel now

I yearn to have this back - to let this 'mother's love' out again

I want to fuss over my little girl
I want to smell her sweet baby smell
I want to feel her soft skin under my fingertips
I want to see the sunlight shining on her gold spun hair
I want those chubby checks under my kisses

I want to see those eyes open and focused on me
I want her little brow raised in anticipation of my voice
I want to hear her returning voice, her cry for me
I want to feel her weight, heavy in my arms
I want to feel her warmth and her breathing

I want my Elizabeth back

I want the innocent woman I was back
I want the carefree husband I had back
I want our family back
I want our happiness back
I want our future back

I want you back my sweet Elizabeth

You have my heart with you, where ever you may be
And you'll always have my love
Just as I know a part of you will always be with me
Always be with us, your Ma and Pa
Always remembered my darling girl

GITW - Stream of Conscious

Thank you for your post Chris, for the blank sheet of paper also.


The spring is in full force
Her rose is sprouting new branches and leaves
The plants all have their flowers in bloom
The trees have blossomed, their new leaves are lush
The snow drops and daffodils have been and gone
The grass is long and tall
Even the weeds are thriving


But my Elizabeth is not


The days are mostly grey
The rains that drench us, so needed by the earth
It is damp and cold still, a draft wraps itself around my ankles
I do not really feel the cold
Nothing so insignificant can penetrate my pain
This pain isn't the only thing she left me with
For now I know, what it is to feel a mothers love


And everything pales to grey


I'll find you in bright colours and quite places
Your name I'll hear whispered on the wind
I'll see your beauty in flickering candles
I'll feel your sweet kisses in the rays of the sun
I'll feel your love in the melody of beautiful music
I'll feel the power of you - yet the tears will come


This I feel with a searing heat, this mothers love
this unconditional, all encompassing love
Side by side with pain I hold from losing you
I long you my dear, sweet Elizabeth
my body yearns for you to be here
My chest is so full of contradictions
A rage of emotion, so raw


The spring mocks me with its abundance
its warmer, brighter, longer days
How can life go on, how can the circle of life continue
when I am rooted to the spot were you were taken
I am lost, I don't want to world to keep turning
I have no need or want to live
I have no need or want to die


I am marking time, waiting and remembering...