Streams of conscious while out and about - usually hiding in plane sight.

I have been in Sydney, a getaway of sorts for A. and I.  And we did have fun, we did laugh and enjoy the sunshine, almost as much as we loved the rain, hail and storms that surrounded us there.  I had a hard time coming back, coming back down from a cloud where there was only a distant memory of a long lost daughter - boy did that crash landing hurt.

So, I will get on my 'blog hat' back on soon - maybe once our visitors leave at the end of the week.  Be assured though, I'll be back with the full explosive head mess that is my thoughts.  For now be pacified with these notes, taken from my pad - Streams of conscious while out and about - usually hiding in plane sight.

Thursday November 5th, from the Corner Shop window

Is today a good day?
I feel almost normal - the old me
I feel so very distant from my dear
Am I forgetting her and moving forward?

I feel guilty for having these lucid moments
these moments where the world is at rights
where I rejoice at the warm of the sun
bright skies and rhythm of it all

I have missed feeling this way
she almost feels foreign, a stranger
but I look into my heart, I see the 'ugly shoes'
they are still firmly there; painful, misshapen and bloody
I hate these shoes!

But I can't help but love them also
its the only connection I have
my scare of honour; my specialised subject

I wouldn't have it any other way, sweet Elizabeth
you are in my life - in my heart forever
I won't deny you, I won't deny these 'ugly shoes'
because I choose them, they are my grief

Elizabeth you aren't the pain in my heart, this grief is
Elizabeth you are my love, my memories and I cherish them
Elizabeth you are the future I long for

I am not alone looking for you in the bright colours
always remembered precious girl

I love you

*********

Darling Elizabeth
You are safe within me
I keep you in my heart
No bad can harm you there
You'll always be here
I'll always be here
This is where you reside
We'll always be together
We'll meet again, sweet Elizabeth

He can always me laugh
He is original and authentic
He is my man, my partner, my mate
He is my life-line, my life preserver
He is so very handsome
He is my love
He is my lover, my friend
He is your father, Elizabeth

***********

From the next day, again in the window of the Corner Shop

Why is it at night, when I an at rest

that the mice are running about, running amok?

But why is it that I think my lucid thoughts,

my best and most thoughtful thoughts then?

There is no distraction in the darkness

Under my eyelids and the stillness of nighttime

I wish all my days were nights

the clarity without meditation....

Saturday 7th at Sydney airport

Why am I feeling changed?

Why do I feel so far away from you?

Why so detached, why so distant?

I've only been away three nights

how have things changed so much?

Why do I feel normal, yet so wrong?

The pain is in my heart; its just...  Different

Its not at the front on my mind

I don't like it!

It seems my 'life' has taken over

there isn't reminders at every turn

her photo to glance at, to touch and talk to

I have been distracted from my grief

She's not forgotten, but she's not the first thought

I hate myself for getting on with things

for enjoying the sunshine and holiday atmosphere

I miss you Elizabeth

11 weeks and 2 days since your birthday

We would be inseparable

I don't know you my dearest sweet Elizabeth

All those dreams I had of us, ripped from me

Our family gone, just leaving a couple in love

Just two - we should be a family of four

I am lost, broken and at odds with the world again

This is familiar, these feels are known, safe

It shows me you were here, my love for you burns

and rips through me with a rage of not having you here

I won't give up these 'ugly shoes' - they fit

and I wear them with pride, dear Elizabeth

**************

Here I find you're more real

where I let myself feel you

All the horror around your birth

The all encompassing love too

I calm myself with you my sweet Elizabeth

I stroke your soft, silky hair

I smell that floral scent

I see your beautiful, peaceful face

I feel your cool, waxy skin, I try to warm you

with holding you close, with my tears, with my kisses

I want your skin to blush, to look anything but pale

I want to see your lips plump

I want to see you move, to breath, to open your eyes

I want to you to be alive, sweet baby girl

I want to you to be our future, my future and your fathers

I love you 

I am reconnected to you