Happy Days

We first found out I was pregnant with Elizabeth in mid December, we had been trying desperately for three months after losing my first pregnancy; Taggpole at 16 weeks.
We were over joyed, such a happy day, the start of many, many more. There was no checking and peeing on handfuls of tests, but I did make an appointment with my GP for as soon as possible.  I was thrilled to go in for blood tests every few days - but that was until I got the results back; Dr C told me to expect a miscarriage, the hCG wasn't doubling and to get bloods done in a week.  That was over the Christmas and New Year break - Happy fucking holidays to you too Dr C!  That wait I remember being very long, terrifying and not to mention helpless, I think I talked myself into believing the same was going to happen again and we were going to lose this pregnancy.  Hardest thing for us was forcing a Christmas cheer when speaking to the family.
A week passed and A. took my bloods, taking them into work with him and he texted me later; '4444'.  Those digits where magic.  I felt like I could relax knowing that everything was going okay, knowing I'd jumped a hurdle - surely everything was going to be alright?

Oh, I loved the fact that I was growing a little person inside.  I always wanted a girl, A. did too.  I suddenly had reason to take better care of myself again, eat properly, exercise right and making sure I was doing all I could to make this the perfect start to our child's life.  I brought and read all the books, had the magazines delivered, joined the mailing lists and forums and I had the apps on my iphone - I just couldn't get enough information in me!  Excitement is a total understatement, I wanted to be as ready as I ever could be - forewarned is forearmed I thought.

'Happy sick' was dubbed the new thought of the day for the first and some of the next trimester, with Taggpole's pregnancy I hardly felt it - things had changed with Elizabeth. I didn't up chuck too much, but it was my sense of smell that was through the roof!  I could smell a stinky pit at 1000 paces; I felt like a blood hound and was therefore put off most things that gave off a remotely unpleasant smell.  Onions were the worst, I still can't stand them even now!  But, I was lucky in the fact that it was summertime and there was loads of lovely, sweet smelling fruit and crisp salads to eat; those were my main cravings - Oh and plenty of fruit smoothies with mint; those were my favourite.

We went up North to the tropics for A's birthday in January, we had a fantastic 5 days there!  

It was only there in the heat and humidity that the 'all day' sickness took full hold and was very sick.  This pool was outside our room and we spent long, pruney hours in there with the underwater camera.

Here I am at the beach making drip castles - mid February; just days before our world shifted.

We booked a private ultrasound at 12 weeks and were beside ourselves with joy at seeing our little girl, seeing and hearing her heart beating like a galloping horse - it was music to our ears.  

Only when Dr N was measuring the nuchal translucency was there any question about her development.  Results came back to us a day later that was deemed, Elizabeth had a 1 in 31 chance of having Down's Syndrome.  We went back to Dr N that day and underwent a CVS.  The two days it took for initial results to come were very hard (we paid extra to get the FISH results, otherwise it have been 2 weeks before hearing anything).  No, not just 'hard', I think that was the hardest I'd known things to get up until that point!  The not knowing and having to make a decision about our baby girl right there and then; whether we would keep or terminate her if she had Down's?  That was fucking hard looking back, but compared to my pain now at having to live without her - that is nothing.

I digress.  It was also another stark reminder that week, that the ground could disappear beneath our feet; it was Taggpole's due date.  Things were at an all time low, not helped by the fact that my youngest sister was visiting and she just didn't 'get it'.

The phone call we got from Dr N was short and brief; everything was 'normal', our little Elizabeth was chromosomally perfect!  Relief.  We also found out her sex then - we'd had enough surprises by that time.  Now we really did relax, we'd been through the emotional mill and was willing to go with the flow.  I continued will my yoga and swimming which I loved (where I first had Braxton Hicks) and began in ernest to plan for Elizabeth to come into our world.

Pictures from the 19 week ultrasound.  

These were taken from the dvd we got of that scan - it breaks my heart to know that I have moving images of Elizabeth alive...  will I ever watch it again?

 The blissful sound of her heart

At 20 weeks - April 8th, I started to take photos of my growing tummy.
Oh, how I loved to see us grow.

Week 21 - April 14th

Week 22 - April 21st

Elizabeth and I went to see Lamb, where I sang my heart out to the deafening tunes (my favourite song being Gabriel), we went to hear the Dali Lama talk here in Melbourne and we also went back to the UK to visit the families.  We went back by ourselves for the month of May, arriving days before Ma's birthday, where we had a great family gathering and BBQ.

Week 23 - April 30th. At Ma's

 This photo is dear to me.  The cat; Becky was a magnet to Elizabeth, she wouldn't leave us alone.  

She is gone also and this is one of that last photos of her.

Week 24 - May 2nd. At Ma's

It was great to catch up with Ma's side of the family and the sisters and I had a great time!

Family bonding at its best.  I & K

Week 24 - May 5th.  Yeah, not trying to push her out - much!

After spending time with Ma up in Lincolnshire I went down to Deal to visit M and Dad.  On the way past Dover we saw one of the Princess ships in dock (A. had just left working for them, strange to see and not board it) I had been on that one; Capt Bill was the one who took us around the world.

From there M and I went to Gaia House - a silent mediation retreat of 3 days.  I had been there before, such a calm, tranquil place in the middle of the rolling hills of Devon and really touched base with myself.  Gaia house feels like a home to me - I wonder if I'll ever get back there?  I can still remember the noise of the crows when trying to meditating in the hall - so loud and funny!

This is my view from the pagoda.  

At the top of the estate, where the only noise comes from the birds and bleating lambs in the next field.

Week 25 - May 8th

Calm and full of peace, optimism, hope and joy.

This is me living in the moment and loving it.

From there I spent time with Dad and his side of the family - there was a gathering of everyone.  All but four members of the family was there; Myself from Australia, my cousins and new daughter from the California and my Uncle from the Seattle, all there at the same time.

Us all - May 16th.  My cousin standing a person away from me also was pregnant, she had her second son 3 weeks after Elizabeth's birth.  I don't think I'll be able to handle seeing Jacob.

My Auntie B and cousins hand made Elizabeth a fantastic play mat. The hare in the middle is Little Nutbrown Hare, from Guess How Much I Love You All Year Round.  I was so touched by that.  

It is still waiting to be laid out and played on.

I was just such a wonderful time with the family, quality time with everyone and was able to really catch up, over a fantastic feed (pink fluff was made too!).  I couldn't have asked for a better visit with them all.  From Didcot to Angel, London where I was staying with my sisters.  K and I had such fun, we swam, we shopped, we wandered and explored.  St Martin-in-the-Fields concerts were great and again, just spending time with her was awesome.

Week 26 - May 18th.  At K's

Week 27 - May 26th.  At Ma's

Week 28 - June 3rd.  At home again and very happy to have A. back!

Arriving back at home at 7 months pregnant, gave A and I lots of time to go out and get all the necessary (and otherwise) baby paraphernalia.  We were lucky that a Mothercare had just opened a store near by, but it was so easy to buy things for our little girl. Soon the nursery was ready to go, all we needed was the arrival of miss Elizabeth Layne.  I was also busy with practical things to do, making and freezing dozens of home cooked meals, birthing and breast feeding classes, hospital appointments, car seat instillation and buying more cute oneies and ladybug fairy lights.

Week 29 - June 9th

Week 30 - June 16th

Almost week 31 - with a huge packet of my favourite English chocolate, thank you A.

O boy was I eating all the sweet stuff now!

Week 31 - June 23rd

Week 32 - July 2nd

Week 33 - July 7th

Week 34 - July 16th

Week 35 - July 21st

Here is me showing off to K the wonderful sling she made us - filing it with 7lbs of potatoes, thawed ice poles and a banana or two.  I just love the pattern!  She is so talented its so much better than a shop brought one - made for us.

My first knitting project - Elizabeth's Monkey, he has a curly tail with a bell in the end of it.

I just just finished it then, after starting it about 3 months before.

Week 37 - August 4th.  Not sure what happened to week 36's photo.

This week we attended the Winter Ball with A's work collaegues - I wore high heels, a full length, beautiful metallic grey dress and I kick myself for not getting a picture of us dancing.  We met so many lovely people there, some of which had become very close, supportive friends to us both.

Week 38 - August 11th

Getting bigger, slower and a lot more tired.  Feeling Elizabeth move was just awesome - I think I first felt her at 16 weeks and A. felt her a few weeks later.  I will never forget the wonder of that.  She used to try poking my belly button out, with an elbow or heel - it hurt sometimes, but always made me laugh.  We actually used A's stethoscope to hear her heartbeat too - such precious memories.

Week 39 - August 18th

Friday August 21st - 39 weeks and 3 days

This is the last photo we have of us.  I am sleeping in a coffee shop's armchair, I am knackered.  We had to bring the car into the city to get repaired - a lady in a big SUV reversed into our packed car, while we were in a baby shop buying Elizabeth's bassinet mattress.  The car was in for the entire day, we decided to stay in town; it was more bother going home and coming back in to collect it.  So we killed hours in that coffee shop, drinking my favourite Signature Hot Chocolate and falling asleep.   

I remember being so uncomfortable and changing seats countless times in our hours spent there, but A managed to capture this peaceful moment - I couldn't look at this photo for a long time; just wishing with all my might to get transported back to that time and live life from there.  

I always used the name 'Gerty' when asked for my name for my order in that coffee shop - I love that name, but would never use it to name a child of mine - Gerty now represents the girl I was back then; she died too.

Oh how bloody different I'd do things, knowing what I know now.

Later that night my waters would break....