Oh, if only there was a way to glimpse into the future. L's words are so heart wrenching 'I keep looking to the future and I worry about losing the present'. But all we can really do is live in the here and now and know there are no guarantees in life - harsh eh?
I too keep wanting to lose myself into a the world of 'what-ifs', what-if we don't ever get pregnant? What-if I get pregnant this cycle, what-if we make it to 8 weeks, then to 10, then 12 weeks and so on? What-if 'something' was to happen before then, what-if a scan shows 'something' sinister? What-if we go for further testing, what are the chances of miscarriage? They are never ending...
What-bloody-ifs are my nightmares. I have to tell myself to calm down when they start to take over. I have to tell myself that everything is random. I'm not a bad person, there is no 'grand plan', there is no 'order of things', I'm not making up for a failing from somewhere else in my life, fate hasn't come to kick me down, karma hasn't come to deliver me a big bag of shite, I didn't pray to the wrong God, I didn't trample underfoot the four leaf clover.
We were just unlucky. Rather than the ever, WHY us, WHY our baby? I read on Glow somewhere, the question we should be asking is WHY NOT?
That really spoke to me, I really saw and heard it - I've not accepted it, far from that, I love to wail; WHY me, WHY my sweet Elizabeth? But at least I know what I should be aiming for and I'm working towards that - uphill struggle though!
My precious friend Tess- I am so very proud of you. I have much reading to do and before I do any of it I needed to tell you how honored I am that you shared this with me. Elizabeth and her story are a big part of my life now. I truly feel we have met for for a reason my friend.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of our babies and hope more than anything that they are safe, that they feel our love and that maybe they look down on us smiling together.
So much love and grace- Leslie