Day 8

A photo that makes me angry/sad.


There is one that makes me unbelievably sad.  It is of Elizabeth and one of the first photos that was taken of her while I was still being operated on, unaware of what happening.  The photo is of Elizabeth, naked and lying on a hard surface, she is half on her side, she is clean and she is also alone.  


I can't look at this image, I won't copy it here either - the only copy we have is a photograph and that is in amongst her other bits of paperwork.  It is though, heavily imprinted in my mind - the feelings I have about this image however are with me as if its right in front of me now.


Why has someone just taken a photo of my baby like that?
Why is she not covered?
Why is she alone?
Why is she not wrapped up in, or at least on a blanket?
Why did they think I'd want to see and have a cold, sterile and undignified picture of my darling baby girl like that?


My Elizabeth just looks so unloved and it kills me to think of it.  I was unaware of her fate at this point, Andy too.  Elizabeth was weighed, measured, her hands and feet prints taken and washed without our knowledge or consent.  Up until that point - yeah, fine I know that is what they do.  But taking those photos.... the undignified, sterile, naked photo where she is on a cold hard surface like a piece of meat.  No, she needed me or her father, to wrap her up, love her, hold her and be with her, talking to her and letting her know we were here with her perfect body... 
I am so very sure, if I had been able to those things or her; weigh her, measure her, bathe and clothe her - I would have done so, with so much love and I would feel better about it now, I just can't help feeling so helpless to these things.  I have not thought about that photo for a long time and yes, it makes me so very, very sad.


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I'm very overwhelmed right now and feel like I've bitten off more than I can chew.  On the rare good day, I encourage myself to steep out of my comfort zone and make plans; head into the city to lay flowers, go round to a friends for a few hours, meet up with a friend here or there (somewhere I could make my excuses at anytime) or go for a swim.  Usually I've gone through with these tentative plans.
A few days ago I invited a friend round for dinner with her two young children and I want to back-out now.  Its not because I don't want them to visit, it just because I've not left any time for me.  I am used to sitting around doing my own thing, reading, eating when I want, going for a walk when I want, but mostly being in my head, feeling what I need/want to feel and just being and writing here.  
Andy having the last 6 days off hasn't helped my thinking or writing - I've just been reacting to events around me, not having an independent thought of my own - I don't like bottling things up, I need to write and to think.


I've now realised that I've ran out of time - My Ma and her husband, Paul are due out to visit on Sunday for 3 weeks.  It was arranged when I was visiting them back in May.  Ma was going to come out and coo over Elizabeth; her first, Grandchild.  She would have those weeks to just spend with Elizabeth and I.  To hell with sightseeing in Australia; she didn't care - this from the woman who has only been on holiday to Egypt and Tunisia and hates flying. 
The thought of Ma coming is, in itself a whole different kettle of fish.  I do want to see her, but know its going to be very, very hard.  Just picking them up from the airport is hard enough to think of; I had hopes of Elizabeth and I meeting them and there would be tears of joy and wonderment - now just tears of sorrow and pain.  I feel like I've failed Ma, losing her Granddaughter.  I know that showing Ma, Elizabeth's room, her clothes and toys is going to bring it all back for me too - what should have been...


I don't want Ma to know the extent of my grief, because there is nothing she can do to bring Elizabeth back to me.  I don't want to show her how much I hurt -  know a mothers love; the all encompassing love you have for your offspring, its unconditional and I would do anything to take away any pain Elizabeth would have -  I just don't want to give Ma any of my grief.


I don't know why I panic over time to be honest.  I have just gotten down what I was so uptight about and I still have plenty of time to myself now.  I just get over whelmed with an urgency to get things off my chest and if I can't do it there and then; I panic, I get frustrated and short and that just plonks more onto my plate of 'things to deal with' that I just don't need.  I just hope that I can have some time to myself once Ma is here - I'll have to explain in kind words.


Now time to make 'happy' - J is due round with her kids.  I do love seeing my friend J, she has offered a lot of support and I know that I will need that in the times to come - there is no use locking myself away and burning those built bridges.  Anyway, she is a lovely person and really tries to 'get it' - bless her cotton socks.