I must be 4 or 5 in that picture - I am the older one and the cute little dumpy one is my lovely, wonderful sister Michaela (or Kayla as I've called her most of my life).
This is the only old photo on my computer and I feel quite ashamed of that actually. For someone who has a fancy pants camera, the total disrespect for photos is showing. All my photos that I have ever taken is on an external hard drive in a basket of electrical 'things', part from the recent ones that have gone straight on to this new laptop. Reason being, I got a new photo program and transferring them over, they have been duplicated a few times and stacked in one bunch, so in one 'album' I have over 22,000 photos! I pulled my hair out trying to sort that out on my old laptop - it was so slow and the reason for getting the new one, but I left that massive project by the wayside. Almost forgotten and always chastised.
Ma has all our hard-copy photos from when we were kids - it is wonderful to look on them as we did last year. I have a disc with some of us as babies too. I can't remember this being taken, but loved the fact that it was just me and Kayla, we were the best of friends. It was taken in the new house and I remember that black body warmer I'm wearing - a year or so later I would be sitting too close the the fire and melt the back of it.
I smile when seeing this, such a happy childhood I had, nothing stands out as being sad, trying or bad from those time - well, up until I was 12, but that is for another time.
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Yesterday I started bleeding again, today I am bleeding heavily. I haven't a clue what is going on with my body. If this is a period, then what was last weeks bleed all about? I know that this time looks and feels more like a period, but there was no PMS this time - I just know that my body and head space is totally messed up - at least they're in sync now. I'm not going to throw the 'M' word around either, lets just not go there eh?
Ma and Paul aren't due until Monday night - good job we checked and she does understand I think/hope. We are wanting this to be their holiday - Ma has a responsibility to Paul to get the best out of their three weeks aboard (their second holiday ever) , but she is also wanting to be here for me - we've just got to juggle our own needs, voice them and be selfish to our own wants. Putting it like that sounds great, we'll be putting ourselves first and making sure no one is left feeling short changed. That seems fair.
Was 'talking' to L about getting out and about visiting friends last night - I didn't cancel with J and they came round (her kids are 5 and 3) for dinner, we went to the park and then they watched a movie while we talked. Its the first time they've been here, as I've only known her for about 6 months - she is a college friend of my cousin who moved over here 6 years ago. She has been great, but she can only understand so much - but bless her she does try so hard!
My heart only stopped once and that was when I saw Monkey flying in the hands of her 5 year old. That was the toy I was knitting throughout Elizabeth's pregnancy and the colour must have drained from my face. It was calmly said that Monkey was Elizabeth's special toy and needed to be put back - which he did. They know of Elizabeth, I. saw the picture of her on my phone she said 'your pretty baby, she is sleeping' - I had a good cry once they'd gone about that, touched my heart.
Other than that the only 'friends' I have over here are ones I know through A's work and have been made since Elizabeth died. That seems strange even to me. We've only been here in Australia since August last year and for the first part of that I was a hermit having just lost Taggpole. I was then making home and being pregnant, going back to the UK for a month, I didn't really leave a lot of time of making new friends - I guess I was hoping to make a few with the mother's group, baby swim group, breastfeeding group, mother's walking group...
I hardly know these new 'friends', but they have been kind and made time for us. I do feel like the odd one out when we're out - people I find now, are very petty; the small things seem so troublesome and I really find it difficult to relate to their tales of woe. I don't know, people say they've had a crap day at work and all I can think is - they haven't kissed goodbye to their newborn baby; that is a f**king crap day! That is what I am screaming in my head. Just listening to their petty, moaning, whining (okay, they maybe just talking about a bad day, but to my ears its all 'woe is me') and all I can think of is 'what I should be doing', or how I wouldn't be out eating if Elizabeth was still here.
I find myself having a split personality - strong head and my new 'normal' or default head. The strong one is the one everyone else sees, or wants to see, the other is who I am everyday. I wonder if or when they will merge? To be honest I would hold off with meeting people - I would firstly ask yourself if your prepared to hear XYZ crap day from who ever it is that your thinking of seeing. If its the milkman then that is easier to shrug off, but if its a close friend, be prepared to get hurt, feel indifferent or pissed at them - what I'm trying to say is, the ones you love the most are the ones who can hurt you the most; does that make sense?
I did a lot of writing today, lots of mailing and have felt better for taking some of the pressure off. I am also glad I have another day before Ma and P comes. Monday I am going to a tattoo studio to get my T and E inked on my wrist - I don't care what Ma will think!
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