Day 5

Day 5 - my favourite quote


"I'll find you in bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth" - Aunty Kayla.

This was the sight A. and I were greeted with last night on leaving the house; this bright, breath-taking, stunningly beautiful, double Rainbow. I'm sure I'll hark on about rainbows being Elizabeth's way of letting us know she is around us, and of course Aunty Kayla's heartfelt words of love:  

From tonights mail to L.


I've had a rough day today and am feeling like a big ball of wool that has been kicked about - a tangled, sorry mess is what I feel like, my emotions are so very raw.   The 'what-ifs' got the better of me this morning and has tainted the day from there - just a miserable mess.

I am focusing on your Glow post though - something that I know that I can 'hope' on and answer you questions on that.  Okay Elizabeth... Oh, I do smile when I mention her, she drags me back up; she is something so special that I can't feel down about mentioning...  Where was I?  

Elizabeth was born on Sunday the 22nd August - 8 weeks and a day ago.  I finally got a period on Monday last week (1 week ago), which was good news and bad.  The bad being that hey, I wasn't pregnant, but there is good. I know that my body is ready and functioning normally - although I haven't a clue whether I ovulated; how do you 'physically' know?  The main sigh came from the knowledge that if I did get pregnant then, without first having a period, I would forever be more worried about miscarriage and I would feel irresponsible for letting that happen.  I couldn't put my hand on my heart and know that I'd done the very best for a future pregnancy - despite what my Ob said about not waiting for a period.  I just read far too much on the Internet about 'pregnancy after c-section' - some say wait for a year!!  Patience is certainly not one of my virtues either.

I am 33 in March, A. is 5 years my senior - I think we still have time on our side.  

It took us 3 months to conceive both Taggpole and Elizabeth and have set myself that goal, I know I'll be a broken woman if I got to the end of this year without a new baby growing inside me.  I definitely know that if it get to Elizabeth's first birthday and I've not got a baby (either growing inside or out), that will be so very, very hard for me to bare.  I know it only took 3 months to conceive before, but I'm already 2 months out now and I don't think its going to happen for us right away - but we are trying our best.

By the way, not sure if you know, but the Ob/Gyn say that trying to conceive, means sex three times a week.  Another tit bit of information I wasn't aware of, is that drinking any alcohol HALVES your chances of conceiving!  Research in Sweden.  I didn't know that before, so my fingers are crossed (yeah - like that'll help?!) that this time is quicker, as I've not drank a drop for 5 weeks.  I did have a very boozy 3 weeks after Elizabeth died, but could I get drunk - hell no, I just drank myself sober and went to bed with the hangover - its just not worth it I found out.  I was also told that first periods can take up to 3 months to come back - I took weekly pregnancy tests after the first month.

I do know your yearning for a baby though and despite the sigh of relief over a period, I couldn't have waited without trying - it feels like I'm actually doing something towards my future happiness and that gives me some hope and a purpose.

My eyes are so sore now, I do apologise for the short reply.

I have taken so much comfort from your mails L., you've given me so much strength, support, kindness and love and listened to me with a compassion and grace that is insurmountable - Thank you, thank you with all my broken heart.

Bedtime - our little babies are being carried to bed now, leaving behind a peaceful, calm beach.  The stars are shining brightly, soft waves whisper 'sweet dreaming', as the bright moonlight dances and reflects a stairway.  They are exhausted, warm and cosy and so they sleep, safe in the arms of our love

Goodnight Elizabeth, 

Goodnight Cullen

Goodnight L.