What you like about your house?
Right now I'm loving the fact that the sun rises on the front of the house, where the bedrooms are and at the back of the house where the sun sets, is the main living space. That is where I'm sat right now writing this, in the window with the sun on me.
We have cut glass in the front windows and as the sun shines on those, there shines a myriad of small rainbows into our bedroom.
Now you know how I feel about rainbows; its our way of thinking that Elizabeth is with us, she is letting us know that she is here, she is thinking and loving us. I hunt out the rainbows when I'm feeling... No, not weak, but not strong enough to cope with what ever has just tipped me over the edge.
In the living room we have a little cut glass disco ball, which refracts at least a dozen tiny rainbows about the warm, sun drenched room. That is my favourite part of the house we live in now.
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I was talking to A driving back home from his work and was discussing why I felt like I couldn't open up to Ma and talk about Elizabeth. Its not that I don't want to talk about her - she is my specialised subject my favoured topic, so why? I don't want to break this facade that I have built up, its taken a long time to get it into something that I can use. With it on, I can handle myself and not break down into tears at a drop of a hat.
If I end up breaking it myself (that would be self-destructive) I would be left so very vulnerable and would have to work hard to build it back up again - there is no way I'd be able to live the day to day without it. As I said before, I don't want Ma knowing the extent of my pain - there is nothing she can do to put it right, what is the point in sharing it?! None. So I keep my mouth shut, and hope she doesn't think I am a crude, heartless soul.
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