Day 6

Day 6 - 20 things that calm you


1 - going for a walk in the sun shine
2 - listening to good music
3 - reading a good book
4 - writing about my feelings
5 - Signature Hot Chocolate
6 - baking and eating cake
7 - nice smells - baking, cut grass...
8 - swimming in a deserted pool
9 - watching the sun set
10 - a nice hot bath with a bath bomb and good music
11 - the tv being off
12 - silence of independent thought
13 - the sound of rain on the roof
14 - a glass of good red wine
15 - meditation (used to)
16 - Sitting in my chair watching the  birds
17 - sitting in any window and watching the world go by
18 - listening to the surf on a beach
19 - Driving on a long deserted motorway at night
20 - being in Andy's arms


Written as they came to be, in no particular order, but No 20 being the best!!


Tonights mail to L,

Today so far has been busy.  Its the warmest day for a long time and thought I'd better get all the weeds up before the poor little garden is over run.  As I always do, I found one thing after another to do, trimming the hedges in the front, weeding there, chopping trees back and generally tidying.  Then we when off to a garden centre (which is worse than a trip to the dentist for me - I can't stand those places) to get compost, so I can at least attempt to keep alive all the plants that we'd received since Elizabeth came into our lives.  I can say now that I'm trying to keep them going - her rose bush/plant is doing great all by itself I'm happy to say, that was gifted to us as a twig.

I do like to immerse myself in a project and have found today a great distraction - I can actually see what I have accomplished.  Although getting into a 'flow' of things is good while I'm there, but when I sit back and let myself think a little; I am guilty for not thinking of Elizabeth.  The last time I did the 'weeding' (total outside area tidying) I was carrying Elizabeth, a week before she was born....  If only there was a Rewind button I could hit and go back to that 'weeding' time - if only.

I know whole heartily what you mean about the Fast Forward button too - I could hit that and then 'play' from the moment I hear a healthy child's birth cry...  If only.  

Thank you for reminding me that I have a journal of sorts to complete here.  Its called 'Our Journey' and basically documents Elizabeth's pregnancy in pictures, with few words - I've not gotten around to actually starting it yet, although I have Elizabeth's photos, the sticky bits and the time... but not the motivation.  

You must be very proud of your photo album, do you have a picture you'd like to share with me of your handsome young man?  I understand if not.  Find attached is photos of the necklace I received this morning - I sent off for it about a week ago (here is a link to a round locket - I got a mini heart shaped one) and I love it. I also love Heather who made it; on receiving and seeing the photos I'd sent for it, she exclaimed, 'How very cute'.  I felt like a proud Ma for the first time and told her she made my day!  Anyway, you can see Elizabeth in the photos.  I do love your idea of getting a foot print stamp and making cards - something you could do with your eldest maybe.  Did you have casts of Cullen's little hands and feet done at the hospital?  That is something that we weren't aware of.

After Carly wrote Elizabeth's name in the sand, I have been a little naughty - there is a bus-stop on the way to the train station, fresh concrete went down and somehow, it now has Elizabeth's and Taggpole's name in it!  

Oh, how I smile when I walk past and I wonder who will think of my babies while waiting for a bus there.   My cousin back at home said she'll write Elizabeth's name in the snow when she holidays next year - we're going to see what wonderful places we can write her name; the whole family is on board with this.

I understand what you mean by not knowing if any pregnancy is 'safe' in the first place - whether we wait one month/cycle or three, if at all.  But I know it makes a difference how I feel about it and that is the crux of it for me.  I know this is uncharted territory, unsafe and just so very scary to start all over again, if I can control all aspects that I can, then I know that I am doing my best and will have to live with all the 'what-ifs'.  

I've not really thought about when I am actually pregnant again - have you?  I know that I'll use those 8 months to wrap up all the little projects I had planned to do; Our Journey album, sewing a heart on her toys and blankets (its all going to get handed down, but I want there to be a 'Tagg' stating that it was Elizabeth's first), making the nursery Tree (a project I had only thought about with Elizabeth) and getting a 'memory box' for all her paperwork and mementos.  I know haven't got to do any of the 'normal' pregnancy things, don't want to read any parenting books/magazines again, haven't got to buy a thing for the nursery and its all set up and waiting.... 

I think I'll allow myself concentrated grieving time, but I also know that things will get harder once I have a live baby and I know exactly what I've missed with Elizabeth.  The more I think of another pregnancy, the more scared I become.... the more want it still.

Thank you for the 'top tips' on what to watch out for, looking for signs of ovulation.  I have heard of the mittelschmerz (middle pain) of ovulation and was kind of looking out for it, but got disgruntled waiting and not knowing what to expect - a pain, a period or positive test.  I am now more aware of my body now and know when to expect it almost and will keep my awareness open for signs - thank you.

Thank you for the link to the teas - I do have some Raspberry leaf tea left over from the latter end of pregnancy; that is the ingredient that helps tone your uterus.  I will see about finding some in Australia.  I am still not drinking any caffeine, I had a three day headache the last time I gave it up when we were trying for Taggpole - no way I'm going through that again!

I am enjoying A Replica of a Figment of My Imagination.  It is wonderfully written, so thoughtful, funny in part too.  Its a story of loss, rather than a statement of what happened, which is how I find most of the books on loss are.  Her name is Elizabeth too, I never tyre of reading her name!

Thank you for all the information on your faith.  I did actually look on the wikipedia site for information on Baptists, I found your explanation easier to understand and appreciate.  I am so glad that you are comforted by your faith as a Baptist and it stands up to what you hope for in a religion (rather than some Christian aspects of hell, fire and damnation).  I think its great that you found Buster, someone who you can listen to, gather strength from and learn from his enthusiasm and compassion.  To have that special community knowing you and supporting you and your whole family - well that is nothing short of awesome!  You must get great comfort in knowing that when you choose to be baptised, both yourself and Cullen were getting baptised together - those photos are so special.

You do a wonderful job at explaining what you believe in.  I understand how you want to believe in a 'heaven' of sorts, to know that you will be able to hold sweet Cullen again. I understand you think of him as your little traveller, exploring the world, but also returning to you at times of need - I love your belief that when you do come together, he will show you all the great things he has seen and done and you will go on your own adventures together.  So beautiful Leslie.  I don't think you should worry about what you are supposed to believe in, whether it be parts of Baptist teachings, Buddhist, Christian or Jewish - the fact that you do believe in something that gives you comfort is more than anyone could hope for - treasure it.

Well I've got my Day 6 post still to do - 20 things that calm you?  I'll have to think on that one for a bit, I'm struggling.  Thank you for saying my writing is 'beautiful' - I'm not so sure myself, but thank you all the same.  The Stream of Conscious writing was done off the cuff (and posted anonymously) and felt quite good to do.  I was thankful for the encouragement to try and felt better for getting a load of emotion out; did you have a go?  

Sunset again and its a beautiful cloudless sky - I wonder if Carly is out on Christian's beach writing the names of lost, beloved babies....  Too much heartache to comprehend, so many parents going through this.

The necklace that I received this morning - Thank you Heather of Soul Peaces I love it.