Erm....
Not sure about this to be honest - really happy? I love the photos of Elizabeth, I love them as those are the only images I have of her. My minds eye may not have her details completely right, but her photos do and that jogs my memory. I treasure those photos of her, I will do forever.
Today nothing could make me feel happy to be honest - I feel like I'm in a hole, a big dark pit of desperation. I am teetering on the edge of tears and Elizabeth is never very far from my words and thoughts - both of them; Taggpole too.
We laid tulips down for our babies at Vic Gardens - I was suddenly struck by the thought that I shouldn't be doing this; yes, I was and had been laying flowers for Taggpole for over a year now, but to just realise that I shouldn't be doing this now for Elizabeth. That shocked me and brought fresh feelings of hopelessness and the total unfairness of it all - WHY did we loss our baby girl? WHY did it have to be our Elizabeth also? Hadn't we already gone through enough losing Taggpole? Why am I laying flowers for the other half of our family? I just don't understand, I can't comprehend why. This shouldn't have happened to us, it shouldn't happen at all.
I've got to talk myself around now - or these feeling will eat away at me and I'll just be a bitter and twisted old hag (or something just as ugly, because being that way makes the person). I have got to say, that I don't want to remember Elizabeth for making me into that sort of person. I don't want to feel that all she has left me with, is pain. She brought me so much more than that and everyday I want to remember her for these and future lessons.
I am so grateful you came into our world. Elizabeth, you gave me so much happiness, gave us so much happiness as a couple - we had a visual show of our love, an outward sign to everyone that we are in love, had made love and we are ready to welcome our child into this love we share. Wow, we loved everything!
I loved the fact that my body was growing a home for a little someone else body, my body sustaining yours.
I loved the fact that I had a nose like a blood hound and could smell an unwashed armpit from 40 paces and couldn't tolerate cooking - due to being 'happy sick' all day long.
Every time you moved Elizabeth, every squirm, every hiccup, every roll, kick and stretch; I loved them all.
I loved it when you'd 'dance' with us to my music
I loved when I'd read out load for you, you'd let me know with a movement that you were listening.
I loved how you made me want to see the world as a fantastic place - looking for the good in everyone and everything
I loved waking up and saying to you 'good morning sunshine'.
I loved stroking you, up your back and nudging your cute little butt.
Yes, I loved your sharp little elbows and knees, your trying to pop my belly button out from within.
I loved the fact that carrying you Elizabeth, I glowed, I was just so happy, so blissfully unaware of what was to come...
The last photo of us together the Friday before your birth on Sunday - bitter, but oh, so sweet looking at it
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