Day 3

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Well that was answered yesterday.... I don't have one.


So what am I doing today?  I have the music on random on 'best of all' playlist and Reckoner is playing - this tune take me back to the cruise ships, walking around the top deck after sweating my arse off at the gym.  This being my cool down tune and for as long as I was walking, it would be played and played and played!  A. and I were on the World Cruise on the Royal Princess; A. being the doctor on the ship.  That was the beginning of 2008, finishing in Roma and finishing the 'sea life', to find our dreams in Australia.  We found them along with the nightmare that has become our lives now.


Also I have some fantastic Brownies in the oven - these are awfully indulgent, I've never used melted chocolate and butter in loo of milk or water before!


Was writing again to L this morning - telling her how selfless she was by answering my mail on a day of such significance - her Cullen's due date.  I did not know this when I wrote and feel like the tiny babe in the arms of an angel; Willow Tree figurine that sits here by my side.  The way she put 'herself' aside for my woes and hugged me with her words of comfort.
I also mentioned that "I am without a religious faith... I choose not to believe" and have since heard back from L., asking about my relationship with faith.


So here you go L. - todays thoughts on my faith...
I have a very simplistic view of faith I think - I choose to believe in what I want. 
Faith is defined by Wikipedia as : the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.  Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true.^[5] It is the belief and the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared, based on the declarer's authority and truthfulness

Bit of back ground on me:

I was brought up a Roman Catholic; I've been Christened, have made my First Holy Communion and have been Confirmed.  My father and his family (his oldest brother was given up to the priesthood as a boy) are the ones behind all the religion that surrounded me as a child.  My mother however got to stay at home, cooking the roast dinner on a Sunday morning when we'd all get ushered off to church - that seemed unbalanced; there was a choice?  Did that mean that Ma was damned to hell in Dad's books?  

That was the starting point to my questions.  Then things fell apart with Ma and Dad's marriage when I was 12, K. and I. are my two younger sisters.  To set it all off we all changed schools, and so I felt my life turned on its head  - what was happening to my world?  I started to buck against everything that was wanted of me and left school after my GCSEs - at the age of 16, I left home to join the Army.  If I was allowed to fight for my country, I could decide if I went to church or not - those were the words of my Ma, although attributed at anything, boyfriends, drinking, staying out late.  I rebelled.

Religion has come up in my life a lot over the years and have always thought I believe in something, but that 'something' needed more exploration.  I have calmed down now, mostly due to meeting A., becoming a lot more settled and more reflective.  I took up meditation a few years ago and found the clarity of thought was wonderful (after a 10 day silent retreat - I don't tend to do things by halves), just living in the moment and drinking in everything in that one moment - wonderful!  It calmed my mind down and a natural progression was to visit a Buddhist meeting (The FWBO).... then my life took a nose dive with losing Taggpole and then being Pregnant with Elizabeth, I wasn't able to meditate at the meetings (very low blood pressure), even though I wanted too.

Losing Elizabeth has dashed everything.  It has made me question everything and made me realise that I will believe in what I want.  After all, everything as I see it, is random - how else can I get over the fact that my babies were taken away from A. and I - our family snuffed out like a candle?  There is no karma, no lucky four leaf clover, no use in praying, no fate or natural order of things, I don't even bother with horoscopes - there is nothing for me to pin my hopes upon....  

But I do still hope.  I do believe in me and have faith in my love.  I know I'm strong enough with A. by my side to do anything.  I know that my love will keep Elizabeth alive in me - my families love enough keep her safe with them too.  I believe that Elizabeth is in the bright colours of rainbows, her breath is in the wind that blows through my hair, her smile is in the rays of the sunshine that kiss my cheeks, she is in my heart when the wind and rain thrashes down and I retreat to the quite places - she is with me all the time.

I also believe that when my heart stops beating, we will meet again and we will have our time together.  How that happens, your guess is as good as mine, but of that I do believe.  Love this strong will never die, I can't think that it could be wasted, dissipate or get blown to the four corners - it just to damned strong and sturdy for that.  I talk to Elizabeth all the time, as I see it, we are attached; we have a heart to heart link and she knows what my heart thinks at every moment - I don't have to guard what I actually say, as she can see straight through any words and know how I feel.   

I would love to think that my Grandparents are out there looking after our Elizabeth, I think everyone who dies gravitates to where they are needed and where they need to be.  I do have a great image in my head - all our babies congregate on Christian's beach at every sunset and play in the surf together.

That comforts me and I guess that is all that really matters.  It is strange.  I do feel comforted if someone else prayers for Elizabeth, or forwards me a poem with features a God...* I guess for the same reason it comforts me, they are comforted and it gives them something to hold on to and remember her by.

* My favourite poem

I'll Be There - 

Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God
Don't think He is unkind
Don't think he sent me to you
And then he changed his mind

You see, I am a special Child
And I am needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave him
The product of your love

I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my eyes shining bright

You'll see me in the morning frost
That mists your windowpane
That's me, in the summer showers
I'll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows
That's me! I'll be there
Planting a kiss upon your nose

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug
That's me! I'll be there
Giving your heart a hug

So, Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy don't you cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies

Author unknown

Ah, 'find the brightest star that's gleaming', 'you'll see me in the morning frost' - makes my heart swell and the tears fall unheeded.  

Nothing but beauty and love L.

I'm all but numb right now, but will say that I think its been an easier road to travel knowing that we don't need to put a brave face on for all our family - Only contacting them when we feel able to (of which there is a small window of opportunity - time zones).  I can walk out of the house and be the 'grey lady' and fade into the back ground, no one knows who I am to talk to.  I can be who I want, without expectations.  
I wouldn't know how to grieve otherwise, this year has all been a whole new ball game to us.  A. and I are so much closer, having to rely on one another and hold each other up, ensuring we're giving what each of us needs - rather than what we'd want in return.

I hope your today is better than yesterday and your tomorrow, not as daunting.