This is so I have this conversation always, somewhere safe, where I know I can get to them in a hurry. I need to know that I have all these written down here. Reason being? It makes so much sense to me now - I can't say it will later, but they helped me so much today and that is worth so much.
Thank you L. for my Pep talk
Tess you can't be the happy camper. You are not a happy camper.
Please do not expect too much of yourself. I know you might feel guilty for taking the 'selfish' route but my friend- simply put- grief itself it selfish. You and Andy are in mourning right now. It is not party time. Or sightseeing time. Or happy time.
It is shit time.
You did not sign up for this- any of it.
No matter what is being expected of you I hope you can find the strength to do only what is right for you.
You have to speak for yourself. Let go of the guilt. They are grown adults and I guarantee you that if you give them a map and send them out on a little adventure they will be just fine on their own.
You don't have to do anything.
yes- this comes from the most grief enabled selfish woman on the planet.
Now ask me if I care.
Take note- I skipped my own brother's wedding.
You can do this- and by this I mean do what is right for you. No fake happy. No uplifted conversation. Unless you want it. And if you do that is ok too.
I know that sinking into grief sometime makes you feel as thought you will never be able to find your way back up into the light. The problem is that by ignoring the dark areas they might get bigger unless you look them square in the eye, accept them and them turn around into the light.
It's all a process.
The process is different for everyone.
You are doing everything in your power just to live right now.
Be who you are Tess- not who you wish you could be. Be who you are and accept whatever personality that is- even if it changes every moment.
I am thinking of you and sending you as much love and support as I could ever send.
Breathe my friend.
love and hugs- L.
My response:
Your words are hard to read L. - on two counts; the tears and hearing your gentle voice of coaxing, telling me to be strong. I've never needed them more than now - Thank you. You talk so much sense L.
I needed to know that I have a 'free pass' for feeling shitty - you are so right, we didn't sign up for this! We didn't choose this, this is what we're left with and no one would be happy with that. I needed to know that I have to look the dark places in the eye, otherwise the dark will only get bigger and bigger if I try and ignore it. I just have to realise that I am feeling confused with all the raw, strong and new emotions and accept them - I don't need to fight them, I don't need to change them, just realise what I am feeling. That in itself is turning back up to the light, from this dark pit.
I'm going to suggest a gentle, quite walk down on the beach. Time for A. and I together, to just be and let them get out and see some of the country. This is a gentle thing for me to do, to ease into doing things for myself. I do want to just sit on the shore and think, even if it is to close my mind to the beach and think about what should have been. Thank you for the pep talk, I hate to wonder if I did not have you L.
And L's response:
Exactly. I am so glad to 'hear' you say it Tess. Keep saying it. It will need repeating- I promise. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. It is hard to accept anything about life right now- sometimes just sitting with that realization is enough to help get through the day.
I think that is a perfect idea- and while you are there you can listen for her. Find some shells, write in the sand, just be silent to the waves.
I am so glad we have come to know each other Tess. I value talking to you in just the same way- at some point I will be able to describe why, but right now words escape me. I am just very grateful.
Copy what you wrote here and keep it safe somewhere. I am really proud of you for writing it.
Love- L
I need to keep these words close to me. They comfort me and that is a mighty, hard task right now. I am so unbelievably grateful to L. for taking the time to indulge my uncertainty, my worries and insecurity, I will be forever in her debt.
