Disillusionment...

...a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.

I am early for the hair appointment and am sat in the car with my pad.
I am feeling so off and tired and my heart is unbearably heavy
I almost cry watching a little old man wait until the coast is clear before reaching down to pick up old fag buts off the ground - I just want to charge out to him, go out to comfort him, maybe buy him a pack so he doesn't have to do that.

I am sick of all the hurting in the world
I am sick of always having this ache in my chest
This dark whole (hole?) that is so full of the hurting and pain

But its not just my own that I carry around with me
it feels like the whole worlds that I have taken up
These grief goggles have made me see all the suffering there is
Everyone suffers; everyone has their own worst days
Everyone has their own dark holes full of such pain and sorrows

I am now aware of and can see this suffering around me
But if I close off my heart to all of this, does it help me?
Will I not become the ignorant person with the blinkers on?
This is becoming a burden ; it is weighing me down, I feel sunk
I hate that I am like a sponge in that respect, just soaking up all the perceived pain, sorrow and suffering that I see.

I know it is a state of mind - so why do I see it as such?
I am sure there is also light in other peoples lives too
Why can I not concentrate on that?
Or am I projecting all my own sorrows onto their lives and really it is just me who sees it all through these grief goggles?

Something has to give - I can not carry on like this
It has been days where I am inconsolable and just want to snap out of it now; I am just so sick and tired of it.

No motivation, hope, happiness, future...
Where are you gone?
I really need to snap out of this funk!

I am ultra sensitive to everything around me and I just want to shut myself away, hide until I am healed and able to see the world in its full wonder:
All the hurt and pain
All the joy and happiness
All the suffering and heartache
All those tender moments of love

I sit in the window with my big pot of tea, I am watching the world go by with my pen at my pad.
Why does the young mother with her son sit on just the other side of the glass?
Do I get up and move?
Do I put my head down, not to look out of the window in front of me?
Do I put the blinkers on and just not see them?
Do I just hide inside my own head and thoughts, glued to this spot?

Is it the fact that I have had all of what I see in front, whipped away from me?
Is it the fact that I'd do anything to get it back again?
The world is unfair, it is fucked up and it is hateful!
Is it the closeness of mother and child that I can't watch without hurting?
Is it the fact that her son is alive, thriving, growing, smiling, feeding...

This is the crux of the matter; I don't want her baby, I want my Elizabeth
Seeing all this highlights what I should have, would have
All I've lost and want more than anything

I want to watch Elizabeth's toes wiggle as she feeds
Her toes were bigger, longer than his; her toenails longer and darker...

And people wonder why I stay in?! They wonder if I'm becoming a hermit and exclaim when I say I'm hibernating! I'm just trying to find a metaphor for what I feel like being a BLM when I come across these things and it is always with me, but rears its ugly head when confronted in these ways.  I guess its like a deep unquenchable thirst and I'm lost in a world full of sea, without a drop of drinking water.

It is craving the unobtainable
Questioning the unanswerable
Wanting what is ultimately gone forever

Another pregnancy would bring another child (if I was that lucky)
It would make the world see that I am a mother on the outside, as well as the inside too
I would be actively mothering an infant and I'd have purpose
I'd have reason to get up and strive again
I would put all these instincts to some use and I'd have a visible out pouring for this love I have.

But it wont ever bring Elizabeth back to me.

Nothing can cure this wanting I have for my first born and just makes all this wanting and needing for another, seem worthless - why put so much energy into trying to change this want; it is not going anywhere and will not change at will!  Why do I want to just shift the goal posts, just swap one want by overwhelming it with another? This is so fucked up!!

I am nowhere near coming to terms with Elizabeth's death.
And that is one hard and stark sentence to put together.

So with that blue eyed babe on the other side of the glass looking intently at me, I hide my head in my hands and cry unreservedly.  This being a time when the overwhelming sadness comes and there is nothing I can do to gulp them down; they come, and I hide.

But on some level, am I not daring or willing someone to ask me or even comfort me when I am crying? Am I not inviting anyone to notice and give a shit?  I guess that is why I do look people in the eye now; always looking out for tears in their eyes - just so I might be able to offer a sign, a show of compassion that I'd like in return with my own...


Numb again, and I've just noticed a man with an unbelievably huge head and orange hair - not dissimilar from a giant carrot!!  How did I miss him?