A Strange Sense of Deja Vu?

The leaves on the tree outside the bedroom window are dropping, so when the sun comes up in the morning there are rainbows from the cut glass windows showing themselves on our bed. The nights are drawing in and the days are more often grey. They are cooler too and find myself wearing more layers, those same clothes that would fit comfortably over my blossoming bump.

It is fast becoming the sixth month of remembering, and the seasons are changing back again.  It is hitting me with such force of deja vu; I recognise the trees without their leaves, the way the light has changed when I wake up and the need of an extra blanket at night.

But then I think back and those feelings are so very different.
I think to the time when I noticed the leaves were budding on the trees and know that was those first few days after returning home without Elizabeth; curled up in a sobbing ball on the bed staring out of the window, wondering why anything was thriving when my daughter wasn't.  Such changes, such profound changes....

I am then caught going back further to those wonderful thoughts of what it was like to be anticipating Elizabeth's arrival, all those hopes and dreams, flurries of activity, the innocence and blissful ignorance for life 'before'.  Oh, how I look back at those times with such aching fondness and I know I'll never have those times again, so I cherish them close to me now.  If only I could substitute those bright memories for the fatal flashbacks; I seem to be getting a lot of them recently.  Thinking about it now, I can't see the trigger to them; they pop out of nowhere in the most innocent of situations.


I am taking the first steps of this new action plan - getting me back on a track of life.  It seems like lots of small steps; doing little things for me and for A. but mainly working towards getting me in a better place.  I don't think the big changes are quite within my grasp just yet, I haven't the first clue about what I actually want to do job-wise, but am updating my CV which is a start.

I have also been cooking, baking and making in the kitchen (although making cookie dough to freeze and eat, can't really be called 'baking') and have carefully decided what day I will to return to Yoga (it clashed with acupuncture this week).  I am also scouring the internet for some sort of swimming/aqua-fit classes, it is a daunting thing to be quite frank; not having a clue about all these places and I just have to dive in and hope that I don't get put off by anything on the way.  Thanks for the encouraging comments about starting to exercise again, in openly 'talking' about it, it has moved forward from just planning.

I have come to realise that feeling okay in the day to day isn't a bad thing and certainly not something to feel guilty about.  Elizabeth knows my heart and that will never change - on so many levels. I am feeling better able to cope and I can/do appreciate the seemingly easy days.  It is good to look back and see just how far I've come from those dark, raw days and be able to see healing and progress into this new life.  And I do look at the near naked trees with anticipation and hope again.