Ringing Ears

This post has been started in my head about a million times - could I get here to write?  Na.  Life has taken over these past few weeks, over taken my need to grieve and that in itself is a hard pill to swallow.  It goes without saying that I'm okay; I'm actually functioning better than I have done in the past six months and feel as if I'm moving forward now.

I was very reluctant to embrace these new feelings of relief to begin with, fighting all these emotions and actually finding it very difficult to know what they all were. It was like the emotions were all shouting at me, but I couldn't focus on a single voice and so couldn't make out any of them in the deafening noise.  So, I just buried my head in the sand and got on with doing and planning things and gave my emotions the middle finger - I knew it would all come to the surface again and I'd have to deal with it them later.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past two weeks, the main focus being family issues with A's sister and her husband - the result of events happened being we want to hurt/kill/chop his bits off! He has been a fucking bastard and my heart goes out to her and their daughter.  It is just a really bad situation and has taken up a lot of mental energy thinking how she is to best get through this.
There has also been other news of new pregnancies to get my head around. It was hard at first, but can honestly say I can't be happier for them and totally have my fingers crossed for them.

Then there is all the juggling and planning of the small things:

• Getting my haircut - A. booked it for me, with his male hairdresser and I was surprised at how gentle and attentive he was to me.  Plus my hair looks good when I can be arsed to blow dry it and its too short to just be tied back now. Thank you A.
• Starting back at Yoga - wow did I ache, but I am so glad I have started again and will continue too.  It was also lovely to share Elizabeth with my teacher, who didn't shy away from wanting to know all about her; I felt like a proud Ma again. Thank you J.
• Group meetings - I am always surprised how light I feel after being able to talk openly with others who are in the same boat, I am forging new friendships there and it is a lovely feeling.
• Music gigs of both Lamb and L.Cole - I L.O.V.E Lamb and saw them this time last year; my ears were ringing all night and my throat horse.  L.C; was for A. and that was an experience in itself (not my cup of tea).
• Arranging meals out and/or getaways/cards and remembrance for anniversaries and birthdays - there are lots coming up; Taggpole's due-date, Step-dad's birthday, our wedding anniversary, my birthday, friends birthdays and house warming gatherings and there is Elizabeth's six months just days away.
• Meetings with J - it is always good talking with her and always great seeing another perspective from someone who doesn't fully 'get it', yet tries so hard.
• Hospital and acupuncture appointments - Dr Thyroid says levels couldn't be better and my thyroid dose is spot on. Yeah!  The weekly harpooning appointments are getting more attentive too.
• Ignoring Valentines Day - not so much making it a day for cards or big gestures, but making quality time with each other; which is a little tough seeing as he is working nights and is furiously studying for an important exam at the end of the week.
• All the TTCing - yes, it does need careful planning too when he is working all those night shifts.
• Having my days merge into each other - again down to the three weeks of the nights.
• Catching up with TV - lots of new series are back on and am getting square eyes and a flat butt.
• Going clothes shopping - I must have chucked a third of my wardrobe out and was left with every little to wear and with the changing seasons I seriously needed more clothes; Oh I love the Gap and it was a really good shopping trip.
• Gearing up for visitors from home - my Pa and M are visiting for all of April.  A mix of excitement and dread; with excitement winning I think.
• Dealing with little contact from my family - talking to some is quite hard; its as if we're on two different planets and there is no middle ground and so I keep them at arms length for now.
• Arranging penny pinching outings for me to do - going to VG lots, booking free tickets to silly things, being a part of TV shows audiences, exploring new suburbs and just getting out and about into the fresh air.
• Looking into job opportunities and different avenues - setting up job alerts, joining a 'mystery shopping' agency, looking into on-line surveys and volunteer work, and updating my CV(still).
• Oh, and reading fiction books and giving myself a break from the whole BLM on-line community for a little bit.

I think the last one has been a relief for me, in limiting the amount of time I spend in other people's worlds and just concentrating on my own for awhile.  While it is true that I have gained a new perspective from reading new blogs, it is all tinged with the sadness of losing a beloved baby and sometimes I just need to shut all of it out.
I have barely enough energy for my own emotions and by that I mean my grief.  I'm not saying that I shut Elizabeth out of my mind; quite the contrary, its not with the heavy heart that I remember or miss her with just now.  I'm not sure if this is a new corner that I have turned, but I'm feeling okay within myself and I think I'm functioning the day to day well and dipping my toes into the BLM land again.  I'm not crippled with remembering or missing her and I know Elizabeth knows my heart.  I'm trying to see the good things and not have the sadness surrounding her death taint everything in my life - I do have so much to be grateful for.

I am still learning to go with the flow when it comes to my feelings, so will ride this particular high for as long as it'll hold me, knowing full well that all things change eventually.