We Are Three

I am pregnant.

It is really early days and have just in this past week tested and found out, this new soul is due on Halloween.  Its not been an easy choice to share this here, I can't hide from this pregnancy in my head, heart or writing and that is fact and so I need and want to write about here in My Space.

It is taking its time to settle within me and it doesn't compute yet.  I've spent so long wanting it, working (read: obsessing) toward another pregnancy and figuring out how I'm supposed to live this life without my newborn daughter in my arms - that is it taking its own sweet time for me to realise that I am here carrying a new soul. Please don't get me wrong, we are so over the moon about it all, it is what we've wanted, planned and hoped for a long time - even longer when you consider that we've been trying for a baby for two years now.  So this is my third pregnancy and its not yet sunk into my thick skull, nor penetrating my thickening skin.

As with anything like this; with all the hurdles to jump and the long winded approach to the finishing line of holding a full term, healthy, happy, live baby; sights are always set to the next hurdle, the next blood test, the scan, the hospital appointments, hearing the heartbeat etc.  I need to try with all my might to take each day as it comes.  Celebrate the fact that I am pregnant today, be happy and grateful and try keep my focus on the here and now, rather than projecting myself into an unknown future and stressing out.

I went to a 'Support During Pregnancy' group just two days ago and was quite honestly scared by the two mothers that were there.  They were both in their second trimester and had a scare of some sort (bleed or prolonged lack of movement) and the first thing they admitted to thinking was arranging another funeral.  Which just writing about that here makes sense now, but when they were telling their stories in all their full bumped glory; their pessimism just horrified me.  I'll not be going back there, I don't need anymore ideas on 'what else could go wrong' thank you.

Life is still full on for me, it just seems like I'm always on the go and don't have much time for thinking, writing here, taking stock and growing mentally as I have been used to these past 6 months.  I am in an action phase, wanting to get me going again in the outside world and actually getting enjoyment from it all.  I have many things planned, with more appointments coming and have added swimming into the mix too - which for me is a big thing; going back to the same pool that I loved swimming with my Elizabeth bump.  The thought that got me back there? The fact that I wanted to share the swimming with this new soul too, I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted that enjoyment for today and I really did enjoy myself.

Everything changes and I guess this Space will too, it will evolve with me as I make space for this new soul in my heart and life along side Taggpole and Elizabeth, not forgetting my awesome husband.  I guess that goes for everyone in my life too, here especially.  I don't think I could be here if it wasn't for the love, support, understanding, guidance and encouragement from the fellow Baby Loss Mamas - and for that I'll be forever grateful; thank you.

With this news from me, I can't help but feel so utterly heartbroken and torn up with Leslie's news.  She has been so much to me, we connected and made a friendship for life - words fail me here, but you get the gist; she has been my companion on this new path, a light and a gentle coaxing voice and I hate so much that she is going through this again.  I'm just so sorry dear friend, my heart, thoughts and wishes are with you...

For your little bird Leslie