I feel as if I'm marking time now.
Just waiting to live again and it all hinges on getting pregnant.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into swimming and yoga; getting myself fit again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll get back into the swing of heading out into the world, meeting new people and not being afraid of bumping into all the old triggers; mainly bumps and babes.
Once I'm pregnant I'll have something to smile about and a purpose again.
Once I'm pregnant I'll make a proper routine for myself; work and down times.
Once I'm pregnant I'll take more interest in getting creative, cooking, looking after and bettering myself.
Once I'm pregnant I can start planning for a bright future again.
Who knows what I'll could be feeling about all of the above when and if I do get pregnant and this attitude is just getting me nowhere fast right now. The more I want to be pregnant, the more stress and pressure I'm putting on myself and that sure doesn't help with the getting pregnant bit.
I think this spate of unease is triggered by the fact that I need to find structure to my day and the fact that I need something else to consider other than this grief. I am feeling this unease due to restlessness, frustration, boredom and a whole lot more frustration - that I can't move on with my life until I am pregnant and of course I have no control over that. But what if I can remove the goal posts and I take the whole pregnancy thing out of the equation? I have this whole list of things that I want to do and have control over, so why not just get myself out there and do?
I know that finding a job has got to be on the cards also, I can't just keep putting that off. Since moving over seas a year and a half ago, I have always thought that I'd be a stay at home Ma - two pregnancies down and no children to stay at home with; I know I should get my arse into gear and get a job (and by a job I just mean something that I quite enjoy and pays the bills; I'm not really needing a career).
The thought of 'what if I never get pregnant?' is running around my head, it is unrelenting these past few days and I'm scared that I'll always be marking time. I don't want to just be waiting, waiting, waiting for something to happen to and for me. I want to live, I want to better myself and be included in the world - I can't just give up, I can't just wither and end up a shell of the woman I was...
I don't want the death of my beloved daughter, to be the death of me too.
I need a plan of action and that is me sewing the seeds
Oh sweetie, I can feel the pain in your words.
ReplyDeleteMay I make a small suggestion? What if you started swimming and yoga now? Just a small step to a happier healthier you? The healthier you get, the better the chances of a healthy pregnancy. Plus, both swimming and yoga are good stress relievers and we all know how stress can keep us from getting pregnant.
And it would give you something to do to relieve some of your boredom.
A few months after Charlotte died I started water fitness classes. I didn't want to go, I pouted about it endlessly, but it's ended up being a wonderful outlet for me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was trying to conceive again it took me three months to come around to the idea that while wanting it is a good first step it is not the only step. I had to spend time forgiving my body and thanking it for what it went through when Charlotte was born. Loss of a baby is emotionally and physically difficult. The body has to agree to try again and sometimes it is reluctant to do so.
I remember that desperate feeling, the incredible pain that comes with the idea that all chances are lost. If you can, have hope.
Thinking of you and sending so much love and peace as you work on your plan of action.
I think that just by writing this you are making a start.. and I applaud you for it Tess.
ReplyDeleteI dragged myself along to a new yoga class after Hope died. New class, new building, new teacher and NO preggy people. I think it really did help.
ReplyDeleteSending you all my love, Tess. I hope you fall pregnant again very, very soon. I hope that with all my heart.
xo
Thank you for the heartfelt words here guys.
ReplyDeleteI am getting up the courage to head back to my old yoga class - same teacher (she is the best) different day and people and I'm looking into new pools locally and will go in a few days - watch this space!