Wake Up Call

I've got to get my arse out of this funk!
I really have to work at this, as it is clear that its not going to go anywhere without a lot effort.

How many ways can I feel sorry for myself?
How many ways can I say how unfair life is?
How many ways can I feel 'woe is me', life isn't worth living?

In short there are numerous ways, but it ain't going to change a single fucking thing!!

I need to get my head into a happier and healthier place, not only for me but for those who I care for too.  I have to change this perceived view on everything, I have to find hope again.  I have to think out of this self imposed box I've created and I have to start dreaming of a bright future again.

I know that fresh realisations have hit me hard in the last week or so, but it still doesn't change the reality of those facts; they are just the same.  I need to get into my head that I have to change/alter my reactions to these new emotions and not to just to bury my head in the sand and think 'woe is me'.  I know it is the easiest way of not dealing with these things, but honestly it is not helping anyone - least of all me.

So what am I going to do about dragging my arse up into the living world?
Well, I have to take a step back from my norm, broaden my horizons and invite new things into my life.  I also need to take the onus off what I have lost and concentrate on all the goodness in my life - that in itself is an overwhelming thought, as I do have so much to be thankful for.

I have started by reading more blogs of BLM's who are in a better place; in short they are pregnant and have that bright future to look forward to.  I've not wanted to read any of those blogs before now, reason being jealously is a green eyed, hurtful monster - BUT I want to know there are happy times ahead and feel I need to read about it all now.  I want to read of their hopes and feed off their positive writings. In short I want to be in their shoes, both mentally and physically.  I only have so much control over the getting pregnant bit, the rest is up to the total randomness, but I do have a certain amount of control over how I react to my feelings.

I am needing positive reinforcement right now and I'm not just talking a chocolate muffin after writing this!  Positive thoughts produce positive actions and behaviours and I want that to be my default setting.  I had always thought myself as a positive person before Elizabeth died, and I guess I'm trying to find that part of me again - I do hate to know that I've been dragging others down with my low moods...
I know it is all part of grief with the highs and lows, but this prolonged black period just now has me seriously questioning myself; I need to act and do something about this now.

Right now I am thankful for the fact that I can see this, I have the foresight to be able to pin these feelings down and to want to do something about all the negatives on my plate.  I am relieved to know it is all in the way I choose to see things and can choose to see the same images in a different light; I can focus on different aspects of the picture and come away feeling quite different.  

Just some of the things that I am grateful for, in no particular order:
The love of my wonderful husband
Meeting my beautiful daughter and knowing this mother's love
Having very few material and external worries (work, money, house comforts)
Having good general health and no lasting issues
A family who loves me and wants to help and support me as much as they can
Knowing how utterly awesome being pregnant is
Having the freedom to do what I want
All the traveling I have done, the wonders that I have seen
Knowing and loving such a diverse array of people in my life
Unexpected support, compassion, understanding and out pouring of love of complete strangers - they are no longer strangers to me, but part of my closest circle - I wouldn't know where I'd be if it were not for them.

This is a start and one that I will keep adding to, I can't loss sight of all the good and great things in my life; I must strive to live after the death of my daughter, all the while keeping her memory alive and close to me.