The F Vent

I can't sleep.  It is half four in the morning and I've been awake for the past two.
A. and I were talking though some stuff until past midnight and I can see Friday morphing into one long fucking day.

There is a big fuck-off moth in the kitchen, bouncing about the lights in the ceiling - getting nowhere and that is what the thoughts are doing in my head right now...

Thud, thud, thud, settle...
Thud, thud, thud.

The more I think about the things on my mind, the further I get from sleep and the madder I get with these people and their insensitive words.  I read two mails and they have sank in I want to hurt as physically as I hurt on the inside - I need to show how this hurts me...  Not quite figured that one out, but need to get it down and out of my head anyway.

I am so very careful what I write to people; I'm mostly talking about family here and have been doing an awful lot of it too.  When they enquire in a mail 'how are you?' (surprisingly not that often), I try hard to be honest and not just to say 'bad/good day'.  I want to be understood on some level, I want them to know that things will not go back to a 'normal'; I am changed, as is my whole outlook on life. And of course my main aim is my want to share Elizabeth, for them to know her, help me remember her and to keep her in their hearts and minds.

So I am very careful when writing my mails and I do compose them.  I am very deliberate in choosing the words I do and never use the words:

anniversary - I always say her birth day,
death/died - just can't put my daughter's name and those together
gone - she is always on my mind and is always so very present in many ways
lost - no, I didn't lose her at the mall, she is always with me
God/angels/heaven/all religion/prayers/karma/fate - all bullocks; I don't believe.

And to the neighbour I talked to for the first time two days ago and shared Elizabeth with you - I certainly won't mention my thoughts for another pregnancy with you - who the fuck talks about my family, or lack therefor and in the same breath wants to know if we're having sex?  I am English and that may predispose me as prude of sorts, but in my book that just isn't any body's fucking business!  Private.

And so my cousin is out of the closet with her pregnancy at last, she must have past that magic safety milestone of 12 weeks.  My Ma mails me and says she knows that I know and she was knocked for six.  She goes on to tell me how its affected her; 'not envy or anything straightforward.  More like terror. Or anger. I want to know nothing about it'...
I think she may understand a fraction of my pain?  But tell me why didn't she see this when she could visibly see me cowering at the mall at all the babies & bumps, when Elizabeth would have been 6 weeks old?  I wonder if my cousin has said anything about her baby's twin?  Good luck baby.

Oh, I want to shout at them all, let them know how their words have put further salt to all these wounds - but something tells me not to waste my breath.  I receive mails back and they are in noway as censored as mine are going out, which only serves as a reminder that A. and I are not as understood as I had painstakingly hoped to conveyed.  It doesn't matter how much of our lives I share with them, they will only see what they want to see and read.  It makes me sad that they do not want to know us, or the depth of our love and conversely our pain.  It really makes me wonder why I bother sometimes...

But then I do remember and I fucking dig my heels in further - I will tell them of my daughter, I will not give up on her and I will keep on writing and remembering her...

I have just received another mail and it validates that last sentence so fully - there are people out there; family who do care and want to know and understand more about us.  C's kind, compassionate words, her gentle coxing and sincerity is heart warming.  Her words are like beautiful music to my ears; this is why sharing my precious daughter is so worth all the hard work in the end.  It really doesn't matter that  it is just one out of a handful of replies; it is someone who has taken the time to be with me here - thank you dear C.

I have come full cycle this night and I am now tired and spent; although smiling

Good morning Y'all