Banging My Head Against A Brick Wall...

But its my heart that is hurting.

I seem to be going around in circles this passed week and I can't get myself out of this funk.  I'm just feeling so completely off, restless and out of sync with everything around me.  I am a mess and I hate it.

Think it maybe the accumulation of a lot of small things that is thoroughly getting the better of me.  If it is not one thing, then something else will come down to engulf me with its overwhelming self.  I hope that in writing them all out now, will sweep them from my head, so I can get on with whatever it is that I need to do right now.

Disappointment with the family.  My father's side mostly, my sisters and Ma, and I've only had conformation of my mother's side with their indifference (barring one that I will mention in a moment).  I know that I hid myself away from everyone, but I thought they would come to me with kind words of Elizabeth, thoughts of us and some support at the 'festive' time of year.  I guess I wanted and needed to be overwhelmed with those shows of compassion and attentiveness, rather than having to ask for it - it seems to me it is forced sentiment if I ask.  I'm just so completely sick of making up excuses for them, for the inaction and silence.  Have I brought this on myself by moving half a world away?
I got to the stage where I did cry out for a little understanding and help and wrote The Bereaved Parents Wish List & More on my Face.Book page - for all the good its done.

My cousin on my Ma's side has just told me she is pregnant, that and her struggles to get there after IVF and over three years of trying.  This news came over several mails, but the bomb shell came this morning. Reading those mails just shows me how completely misunderstood I am in her world.  She just sees my ability to get pregnant, not the fact that I have had two pregnancies and my arms are still empty. It hurts that she assumes so much and just want to shout how un-fucking-fair all this is...
I haven't got the strength to fight her notions of what I must be going through, I don't want to go into detail about my deep and utter despair, my longing for my daughter and the need and want for another - because deep down, she will never grasp the full force of losing a child and I only hope it stays that way.  It is still early days for her and I wish her all the good luck in the world.

My Aunt from My father's side shocked me with a called a day or so ago, just to let me know she has passed on my contact details of a family member who is also living out here.  I have never met them, but appreciate the gesture.  This is what myself and M. were also taking about from my last post; about meeting new people and having to go back to the beginning of our story - A's and mine and my life story.  I see myself as being defined by Elizabeth right now, I am mourning my daughter.  I do not want to have to explain myself to someone who doesn't get that right now - I know there is not that common ground between myself and this family member.  I have yet to hear from her.
This Aunt is also Ma to my cousin who was pregnant at the same time - her third, a boy lived.  While I've not heard from my cousin at all; nothing, Aunt says it is difficult for her; difficult for her to get in contact with me, cousin doesn't know what to say.  I was and still am speechless about that...

A. is working long days right now, he is up with the morning sun and I am left here at home with no purpose.  Sure there are plenty of things to be doing, stuff that is never ending like the washing, cleaning, cooking, 'box' watching and tidying.  I don't want the meaningless tasks; I want a routine, a point to getting up, washed and dressed in a timely manor. I want my purpose, I want to be tending to Elizabeth, doing everything that I should and would be doing if she's just lived....

All that is compounded by thoughts of the new year - 2011.  What will it bring me, what can I do for myself in that year?  I look back on the past years and wonder where they have gone!  I have been for the past two years marking time for our babies.  I have spent the best part of those two years pregnant and I have loved every moment of it - yes, even dubbing morning sickness as 'happy sick'.  So to have all those expectations and dreams, all the anticipation and pure joy whipped away - to be replaced with this Mother's love...
I am finding it difficult to love with so much power and selflessness.  I am finding it increasingly tough to love Elizabeth with just my heart; without her to look after, to fuss over, to wonder and marvel at her and to receive a ounce of that in return.  I need to put all this love somewhere, it is her love and I can't just do nothing with it.

I am a tight angry ball of frustration right now, more so than I ever thought was possible.  That is why I choose the colours of My Space, to show that all my emotions are a tangled, raw mess.  I am in so much heart pain too, I never thought a broken heart would hurt so physically; with every single beat of it.  I never thought it was going to be this hard to mother a child either, but I am constantly amazed of just how little I knew and fathomed.

I am a mess and might as well accept it for now.  I know things change and this will be put down as a bad week.  I am sensing a subtle change in this grief; I gradually have better days and they seem to last a little longer, but then I get the gentle slope back down to the depths of desire.  These highs and lows seem a whole lot higher and deep than before though, as if I'm just getting beneath the surface of my tangled emotions....