I'm needing to step back from this world I'm in
I seem to be stuck in a world full of 'me', 'mine' and 'I'
'Woe is me, my baby died', 'I can't have', 'I've lost', 'I want...'
I've got to take a look at the bigger picture
I am a small cog in the this game of life.
I read Angie's most recent post on Glow; Enlightenment, while I have no common grounding with that post on reading it; no feelings of holiness, no collective loss on the whole to enable me to feel as if I'm just someone else who has lost my baby - but something obviously stuck with me, maybe the simplicity of the Buddhist folktale she recounted there, Kisa Gotami and the Mustard Seed.
Then today as I was waiting for the train to take me home, I was struck with two complete opposites; two families.
On my right was an older mother and her son. They were sat down quietly waiting as I was, chatting together and sharing jolly conversation. The son must have been 18-20 years old and it was obvious to my eyes that he was mentally disabled. I can't say I know the differing shades or spectrum of mental disabilities, he looked 'normal', but had this air of innocence and a beautiful young soul.
To my left was a family of four; mother and three sons, one of which was still in a pram. The two older boys were slurping from takeaway containers and eating sweets, the younger of the two was clearly a good few sizes bigger than his brother. They were running amok up and down the platform, acting up and mouthing back to their mother, I was quite shocked by the angry language she used to try and control them.
Such polar opposites and then there was me sat by myself in between them - in all my glorious babyloss loneliness. All the while I am caught trying not to stare at either side - the right side for the beauty of their relationship; the love, patience, the trust that is so easy to see, and the left for everything that I hope I would never do with any living children I'm blessed with.
The Buddhist folktale comes back to me then - I don't know the hardships the mother on the left has had to deal with, just as I don't with the other, but I feel we've got a duty to our children to do the very best we can for them. Maybe that is all the mother of her three sons can do and doesn't know any different...
At these times I think of how many hundreds of children around the world die every day, every week, every month - how many of them were truly loved, had a blossoming futures ahead of them, a wonderful family supporting and guiding them. My heart breaks when I think of them and I do feel so very, very sorry for the ones that don't and manage to keep their grip on life.
We are all mothers all three of us, but profoundly different. I'm not sure if I feel a connection to either mother; no common ground, but I do aspire to be more like the mother to my right.
Beautiful Tess. I loved that post on Glow. I don't much think about anyone else besides the mom's I blog with. I cry when horrible events in the world happen, but without really acknowledging why. When I read the post on Glow I was suddenly reminded of my friend Darren I wrote about a long time ago. He was murdered and I used to be so close to his mom. I am almost drawn to the connection I could have with her and rue that she lives 3 hours away. I would love to just talk to her and hope it is similar to Leslie's experience in the dentist office. There is so much sadness in the world and I think if we allow it all in it would become overwhelming and we'd never leave the house. But moments like you had on the train that allow you to see a part of yourself that can acknowledge the kind of mother you want to be. That's enlightening! Much love to you always!
ReplyDeleteI think you already are more like the mother on the right. Though Elizabeth died, you are still a parent to her and your communication with her is full of noting else than love, peace and contentment. You never shout at her, you are never cross with her. She has only known love in her life- every moment of it within you, here in the outside world, and out in the universe as she travels freely. You are already more than you aspire to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Leslie. She said it best.
ReplyDeletexo