Sharing Elizabeth & Renewed Hope

I find myself sharing Elizabeth with a lot of people now and I am happy to be doing this at last.  I am also finding my arse is getting very flat with all the writing I'm doing - but who cares about that when I have my beautiful daughter to talk about!

I have been corresponding a lot with my pregnant cousin over the past week or so, getting lots of things off my chest about various things, but mainly how motherhood has defined me right now and of course all things pregnancy related.  I feel somewhat understood by her now (I know and hope she'll never have a full grasp, but she is trying) and I know she appreciates my hindsight.  It is just hard to condense all the information we've shared about complicated issues of the heart.  She has known 'sadness' in the form of losing their little one's twin at 8 weeks and losing her father (my Uncle Nick) some 10 years ago; she knows grief, but just has a thicker skin than I and I almost feel ashamed to have thought and over reacted as I did.  Its a work in progress and I am trying to learn fast.

I am also writing to both A's sister and mother about Elizabeth, sharing photos, ideas and hopes and dreams we had for her.  It is very sobering to hear all those thoughts from outside of my own head, with people who haven't been open with we before.  It does prove they are human inside too and feel the loss of their granddaughter and niece.  I was at first resentful towards them for taking so long to come around - but in writing to them I love sharing thoughts and feelings; I will take any and all airtime they are prepare to give to my little girl.
I thank A. whole heartily for mentioning to them that I need and actually want to talk about her, if only they'd show just a little interest.  As it turns out, they were both afraid to upset me - and how well we know that is just them projecting their fears, emotional incapabilities and anxieties on us.  I'm not sure how long its going to last, but I'm sure getting a flat arse from all this emotional sharing...
I'm not losing stream as with any favoured subject, there is no running out of ways or words to use in which to describe my life now and how Elizabeth has touched every aspect of it.
I really feel I am being shown attentiveness and compassion and it is a lovely feeling, being cared for and having Elizabeth's memory in the hearts of others is a powerful thing and brings me closer to them - a shared love.

I also am writing to a few other BLM's; 'listening', understanding, sharing other perspectives and allowing each other the space to write what each in turn needs to write about.  I am so glad I have these Moms and am so very thankful for their time and space they offer, along with the support, guidance and love.  I honestly don't know where I'd be without them, in particular with the lovely lady who holds my hand and has been here with me almost from the start.  The friendship we've foraged is a lifesaving one and in my eyes is the silver lining of this huge black place I find myself in.  I feel far from alone and I love you all for that - thank you for accepting me without hesitation, for your grace and compassion.

So, onto a lighter update, I have an acupuncture appointment early next week.  I am really looking forward to it; having someone else take control for an hour or so and look after me.  I will enjoy sharing/comparing notes with those who are having treatment also and hopefully feeling more confidant about everything.  It maybe a whole restoration of that hope and confidence, as I had results back on bloods yesterday.  It looks like the PPT is levelling out and I have good thyroid function right now.  We just have to keep watch to make sure it doesn't swing the other way now - but all is good and we have been given the green light.  Game on!!

I can't believe how excited I am, to get the go-ahead and be able to try again.  I feel as if all my christmas' have come at once - which is very odd seeing as I've shunned it for the past two years!  All this hope and optimism I feel now; I'm quite amazed about - I obviously didn't realise how defeated I was.
I think if I could bottle this feeling I would stand to make millions.  So, I ride it like the roller coaster I'm on and find I'm at the top of the highest point.  I can see the course in front of me and it is the steep slope downward heading for the loop at breakneck speeds.  I almost can't sit still; the excitement, the anticipation and the sheer thrill, but fuck I am terrified and take great solace that I'm not falling yet.  I know what is coming, or at least a bloody good inkling.  This is the course that is set and I do so willingly...