We are back from A's birthday getaway and to say we had an amazing time would be another understatement. Four days and three nights away in our own private 'African Hideaway' on the coast of the Mornington Peninsular, where we were waited on, cooked for and pampered from afar. I could talk at length of the things that we got up to, the places we went, the things we saw and the merriment we enjoyed...
But it all had to end and right now I can't even string a coherent sentence together, let alone function at a basic level. I have put washing into the washer, I have drank a brew, I have hung Elizabeth's canvas up in our bedroom and I've not left...
I have read a little and cried a lot; They Were Still Born. I have cried and sobbed, both for Elizabeth and the many others that I hold in my heart ~ Why?
So much is going through my head and the majority of it all overwhelming me with its power. I can't think any further than taking my next breath, of struggling to open chest from this vice-like grip for the bare minimal.
I can't take my eyes from Elizabeth's image that hangs on the wall a bed away.
Leave me alone world, let me be. I didn't choose this; it is what it is. Let me cry unreservedly, let me hurt and really feel the pain; let me feel connected to my baby girl please. I have no care to do anything, I have no plans, I have no want for anything - barring some magic wand to relive that Sunday, 21 weeks ago and as Sam says - 'to put right what once went wrong'.
I am back to gazing at Elizabeth's 25x37" image in the wall
She is beautiful! I haven't read the book you mentioned so maybe I will have to check it out.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I wanted you to know that I've given you an award for your blog. Please stop by my blog to pick it up.
She is so beautiful, Tess, so amazingly beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAs I've said before - you do what you need to do, mama. Cry, scream, kick, yell, stare....whatever you need to do to stay connected to that gorgeous daughter of yours, and to love her however feels best.
I am so glad you and A got a nice getaway.
I send you so much love.
Stare, scream, cry, sob and accept the numbness. You already know how much I believe in allowing the feelings to play out. I love you Tess. Know that above all else. Elizabeth is as much a part of my heart as my own children.
ReplyDeleteShe takes my breath away. So beautiful. I don't understand why she's not here.
ReplyDeletexo
She is a beautiful girl Tess. She should be here instead of a photo hanging on the wall. It is good to cry and let all that emotion out. I'm glad you were able to get away. Sending all my love.
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