Thoughts from our 'Hideaway'

I should really be getting up, but can't leave so much unsaid here in My Space.  I feel like I've over reacted and have been melodramatic about all of those intense feelings from yesterday.  They are still not in nice neat little boxes to be filed away in my head somewhere, but something happens with sleep; a good sleep when I can wake up and function again on other things as well as the grief.  I have that now.

Was talking to A. last night about it all and he said that he feels guilty sometimes for wanting to enjoy himself and for actually having a good time - but I don't think I feel that if I'm being honest.  We weren't running away from Elizabeth, or her memory, but we did get a reprieve from the grief.  We took her photo with us, her blanket that we sleep with each night and we took candles to light for her -  and I should say that our hostess, Lisa for those days away needs a mention here too.  Her attention to detail and her unwavering high standards were awesome, while her silent acts of compassion left us both with a warm fuzzy glow.  When sorting the 'hideaway' out during the second day, while A. and I were adventuring, she left by Elizabeth's photo a fresh posy of wild flowers from her garden and some more candles - we were both so incredibly touched...

We did have a lot of distraction during those daytimes; all the fun of exploring new places together and I wasn't here at home with my head in my thoughts and feelings all the time.  Here, Elizabeth is in every waking thought; if its not some image of a baby or bump that kicks me down, then it is looking around the place and really seeing the things that should be so very, very different here.
Being away and spending quality time with A. helped me come out of my shell; I saw the 'old' Tess. There were no external punches, no tv, no B&B (baby & bump) to hinder my happiness with him.  We had a winery map, sites of interest to visit and the open road and we were free from all constraints.

Elizabeth was in our hearts and on our lips; with every toast of our full glasses, it was always to 'our babies' or some variation of such. With every stroll down on the beach I'd be writing names in the sand and trying to snap those before the next wave came (quite unsuccessfully I might add). With the weight of my camera case on my back, I wondered how I'd fair with Elizabeth strapped at my front. How she'd love the bubbles in the hot tub and how we'd have no worries bring her to the 'Hideaway' with us. We lit all the candles we could find and eat dinner each night in their soft warm glow under the stars. We fell asleep with those candles dancing beneath the fan and we played all the meaningful music we felt like.

We spoke of our wishes and dreams for our daughter, we missed her acutely and shared tears.  We did speak of the future that we have in front of us now, our hopes and dreams for our family.  We talked of how we'll carry Elizabeth's memory with us, making new memories with every step and making her too short life count in our lives, knowing that she'll always be apart of us.

And we do have such high hopes and dreams for us and I feel so glad and excited at the prospect of them all with A.  I think those four days away showed me that there is life after death, there is light and small patches of relief down here and it is attainable.  It is going to be a roller coaster ride (not manic thank you A), but right now I have no control over my feelings: If I feel true happiness; I really do feel it. If I hate the falling back down to earth; the bitter after taste of that happiness, then that serves to teach me to hold on and enjoy it further...

If everything was grey, how would I know the different between joy and pain?
There is no grey here in My Space; only bright colours and darkness.

I have a feeling of calmness that only writing things down can give - it has made room in my head for other considerations.  Like where the hell did DPO 4 come from Fertility.Friend - what the fuck?!  The jump from CD 13 to that is quite something - we'll see...