I think sometimes I'd rather stick my head in the sand, forget the world and just tend to myself - to hell with everything else!
I'm stuck in one of those exhaustive low times times of activity right now. This stretch seems to have lasted longer than anytime before and was upon me a day or so after my last post. I didn't think it would take that long for the negative to come, but I am surprised about how long it is still with me though. When I read back those words of such positivity, the high I was on was awesome - if only I could have bottled it, just to have a little smell of what it was like again.
In truth I haven't been this low, all this time. There had been bits of light relief along the way, although they have never really taken hold and almost seem false or forced looking back. I am unsettled to be back on the TTC wagon, it brings up all the insecurities, the dashed belief and mostly all the thoughts and questions of 'Why?' again.
Why the fuck should I even be thinking along the lines of trying for another baby - I should have a 20 week old in my arms. I shouldn't be feeling this desperation for a child. To have what I was sure I would take home and love unconditionally, but now is gone to me. All those hopes and dreams for my daughter, our little family growing up together...
Words aren't enough! This pain is so deep, so intense, there isn't enough blood in me to spill to show how this is. I hurt with every fibre of me. I miss her with every thought, action and word. And yet there is still so much room for all the love too?! How is it, that my heart is being torn every which way it possibly could?
Give me something to hate, and I'll hate it with a ferociousness.
Give me something to love, and I'll love it unconditionally.
Give me something to care for, and I'll nurture and cherish it.
Give me something to mend, and I'll repair it to new.
Give me something to do, so I don't wait with hands tied.
There is so much beneath the surface of my words. There are so many posts waiting to be written, but I wipe the slate clean now and start afresh. I hope that by allowing me sometime, I can start to make sense of all the emotions that are once again frightening in their rawness. I just hope some down time for my head is what I need to let the dust settle...
I can hope right?
Why the fuck is right! I'm at a loss for what else to say. I wish I could send you some high, but it might be illegal. Let the rawness out even if it makes sense only to you. You are loved Tess. Taggpole and Elizabeth as well!
ReplyDeleteYep, you can hope. Don't ever give up.
ReplyDeletexo
Oh Tess, sweetheart, yes, you can hope.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. I want to hibernate too. I don't want to be on the ttc rollercoaster and yet here I am. And, like you say, I have the "highs" too, but they do seem false, they seem inauthentic, fleeting, and just as wrong as the deeply sad moments do too.
Take your down time, sweet Tess. I will be here for you whenever you need or want to emerge, to share the highs, to share the lows - and every bit in between.
Thinking of you, Elizabeth, Taggpole and A too...
xoxoxo
Without hope, what is there? The 5 give me lines are so haunting Tess.
ReplyDeleteLove you my friend.. Elizabeth is in my every thought as well.
And Missy- that was pretty funny!