Updates & Rubbish

Taken from notes in the coffee shop, yesterday.

So what do I attribute the OV on CD10 to then?
My screwy hormones, the herbs, acupuncture, thyroid function or it being just early this time - regardless it came out of the blue and wasn't at all prepared for it then.

Why is it hard to just write?  Its a little loud in here, but nothing I can't block out.
After all the events of the past couple of days, the sheer strength of emotions - I'm feeling quite content to just be without going into any of it in depth.  So what happened?  Where to start?

OV on CD10 took the all the positive wind from my sails, which of course I was away and didn't find out until I got back and it went straight from CD14 to DPO4 - go figure?

Thyroid function bloods came back super low and I'm on medication again.  I was livid that my GP had no space to see me for a week, but then the next day managed to find a cancellation for that afternoon and she is in touch with the team in the city and I'm just waiting for an appointment with them now.

Had a massive blowout with A. which felt like the end of the world, again.  But as it happens everything is hunky dory now with the added extra of a fresh emphasis and understanding of an old pact we made some weeks back: No matter what is said or heard (that is just as important in my case), we must keep at the front of our minds that we only want what is best for each other, even though sometimes that maybe quite different from what is best for the 'us'.  To know deep down that we love each other dearly and wouldn't ever intend to hurt one another.
That is so much easier to say, than to remember when hearing hearing words that strip away the ground you walk on, from the one that you trust, love and respect in all the world!  It is easier to listen with your head and I found out the hard way that I needed to listen with my heart just as much.

That was the first major meltdown between us since Elizabeth's birth.  I have changed a lot; wiping the slate clean without having to really process it at all, without the grudge holding/resentment/moodiness of being hard done by - I guess that just pales in comparison to losing Elizabeth.  But there is something else that may have enabled me to bounce back so quickly and reconnect with A. and have renewed hope; a sign.

The signs that mean the most - maybe like Elizabeth's pregnancy.  I don't know, but I've found something to rest upon and gives immeasurable comfort and it is so really very silly, but will share it.  A news paper article.  Those who've read from the start here will know that it was an article that gave me confidence with Elizabeth and that was my 2010 horoscope - written in The Bullshit Stars post.  Well this article presented itself to me as I was laying flowers down at our usual spot in Victoria Gardens.  VG has just had its summer manicure and looks lovely, although a storm in the last few weeks has brought down the beautiful big old willow tree that stands at the water's edge.
Anyway, I sneaked down and was securing the big purple and orange bunch of flowers to the palm when I notice some rubbish, just a single front and back page of the local rag and was going to take that with me along with the rest of the flower wrappings; I stopped when I noticed the pictures on the page...

It is dated Dec 31st 2010 and my first thoughts was - Yeah, thanks for that, just what I needed to see on laying flowers for my two babies who aren't with me; more babies...
But on looking at the massive words; 'Hello Baby - What do we want for our newest babies in 2011?'  It hit me like a sledgehammer!!  Wow!!

I draw attention to the first baby on the page; James.  That is also A's middle name and one that I have always loved (thankfully no one else has it within the family) and knew it would be a contender if Elizabeth had been a boy, but was forgotten at 12 weeks due to finding out her sex (CVS).  I happen to know another dear BLM who has had her heart set on another name on that page...

Think what you may, but I choose to believe that this solitary page of paper is the biggest sign that I'll get; to take home a live, healthy and happy baby in 2011!  I choose to to see this as something tangible to pin my hopes on - I don't care how silly it sounds (and I know A. finds it ridiculous) and you know what, I don't give a flying fuck where the comfort and confidence comes from; its all I need and boy (pun intended) I could do with every ounce of it I can lay my hands on.

I am feeling more optimistic about things happening.  I know its not going to change a single damned thing with a pregnancy, apart from my mindset and I welcome that.