Day 6

Day 6 - 20 things that calm you


1 - going for a walk in the sun shine
2 - listening to good music
3 - reading a good book
4 - writing about my feelings
5 - Signature Hot Chocolate
6 - baking and eating cake
7 - nice smells - baking, cut grass...
8 - swimming in a deserted pool
9 - watching the sun set
10 - a nice hot bath with a bath bomb and good music
11 - the tv being off
12 - silence of independent thought
13 - the sound of rain on the roof
14 - a glass of good red wine
15 - meditation (used to)
16 - Sitting in my chair watching the  birds
17 - sitting in any window and watching the world go by
18 - listening to the surf on a beach
19 - Driving on a long deserted motorway at night
20 - being in Andy's arms


Written as they came to be, in no particular order, but No 20 being the best!!


Tonights mail to L,

Today so far has been busy.  Its the warmest day for a long time and thought I'd better get all the weeds up before the poor little garden is over run.  As I always do, I found one thing after another to do, trimming the hedges in the front, weeding there, chopping trees back and generally tidying.  Then we when off to a garden centre (which is worse than a trip to the dentist for me - I can't stand those places) to get compost, so I can at least attempt to keep alive all the plants that we'd received since Elizabeth came into our lives.  I can say now that I'm trying to keep them going - her rose bush/plant is doing great all by itself I'm happy to say, that was gifted to us as a twig.

I do like to immerse myself in a project and have found today a great distraction - I can actually see what I have accomplished.  Although getting into a 'flow' of things is good while I'm there, but when I sit back and let myself think a little; I am guilty for not thinking of Elizabeth.  The last time I did the 'weeding' (total outside area tidying) I was carrying Elizabeth, a week before she was born....  If only there was a Rewind button I could hit and go back to that 'weeding' time - if only.

I know whole heartily what you mean about the Fast Forward button too - I could hit that and then 'play' from the moment I hear a healthy child's birth cry...  If only.  

Thank you for reminding me that I have a journal of sorts to complete here.  Its called 'Our Journey' and basically documents Elizabeth's pregnancy in pictures, with few words - I've not gotten around to actually starting it yet, although I have Elizabeth's photos, the sticky bits and the time... but not the motivation.  

You must be very proud of your photo album, do you have a picture you'd like to share with me of your handsome young man?  I understand if not.  Find attached is photos of the necklace I received this morning - I sent off for it about a week ago (here is a link to a round locket - I got a mini heart shaped one) and I love it. I also love Heather who made it; on receiving and seeing the photos I'd sent for it, she exclaimed, 'How very cute'.  I felt like a proud Ma for the first time and told her she made my day!  Anyway, you can see Elizabeth in the photos.  I do love your idea of getting a foot print stamp and making cards - something you could do with your eldest maybe.  Did you have casts of Cullen's little hands and feet done at the hospital?  That is something that we weren't aware of.

After Carly wrote Elizabeth's name in the sand, I have been a little naughty - there is a bus-stop on the way to the train station, fresh concrete went down and somehow, it now has Elizabeth's and Taggpole's name in it!  

Oh, how I smile when I walk past and I wonder who will think of my babies while waiting for a bus there.   My cousin back at home said she'll write Elizabeth's name in the snow when she holidays next year - we're going to see what wonderful places we can write her name; the whole family is on board with this.

I understand what you mean by not knowing if any pregnancy is 'safe' in the first place - whether we wait one month/cycle or three, if at all.  But I know it makes a difference how I feel about it and that is the crux of it for me.  I know this is uncharted territory, unsafe and just so very scary to start all over again, if I can control all aspects that I can, then I know that I am doing my best and will have to live with all the 'what-ifs'.  

I've not really thought about when I am actually pregnant again - have you?  I know that I'll use those 8 months to wrap up all the little projects I had planned to do; Our Journey album, sewing a heart on her toys and blankets (its all going to get handed down, but I want there to be a 'Tagg' stating that it was Elizabeth's first), making the nursery Tree (a project I had only thought about with Elizabeth) and getting a 'memory box' for all her paperwork and mementos.  I know haven't got to do any of the 'normal' pregnancy things, don't want to read any parenting books/magazines again, haven't got to buy a thing for the nursery and its all set up and waiting.... 

I think I'll allow myself concentrated grieving time, but I also know that things will get harder once I have a live baby and I know exactly what I've missed with Elizabeth.  The more I think of another pregnancy, the more scared I become.... the more want it still.

Thank you for the 'top tips' on what to watch out for, looking for signs of ovulation.  I have heard of the mittelschmerz (middle pain) of ovulation and was kind of looking out for it, but got disgruntled waiting and not knowing what to expect - a pain, a period or positive test.  I am now more aware of my body now and know when to expect it almost and will keep my awareness open for signs - thank you.

Thank you for the link to the teas - I do have some Raspberry leaf tea left over from the latter end of pregnancy; that is the ingredient that helps tone your uterus.  I will see about finding some in Australia.  I am still not drinking any caffeine, I had a three day headache the last time I gave it up when we were trying for Taggpole - no way I'm going through that again!

I am enjoying A Replica of a Figment of My Imagination.  It is wonderfully written, so thoughtful, funny in part too.  Its a story of loss, rather than a statement of what happened, which is how I find most of the books on loss are.  Her name is Elizabeth too, I never tyre of reading her name!

Thank you for all the information on your faith.  I did actually look on the wikipedia site for information on Baptists, I found your explanation easier to understand and appreciate.  I am so glad that you are comforted by your faith as a Baptist and it stands up to what you hope for in a religion (rather than some Christian aspects of hell, fire and damnation).  I think its great that you found Buster, someone who you can listen to, gather strength from and learn from his enthusiasm and compassion.  To have that special community knowing you and supporting you and your whole family - well that is nothing short of awesome!  You must get great comfort in knowing that when you choose to be baptised, both yourself and Cullen were getting baptised together - those photos are so special.

You do a wonderful job at explaining what you believe in.  I understand how you want to believe in a 'heaven' of sorts, to know that you will be able to hold sweet Cullen again. I understand you think of him as your little traveller, exploring the world, but also returning to you at times of need - I love your belief that when you do come together, he will show you all the great things he has seen and done and you will go on your own adventures together.  So beautiful Leslie.  I don't think you should worry about what you are supposed to believe in, whether it be parts of Baptist teachings, Buddhist, Christian or Jewish - the fact that you do believe in something that gives you comfort is more than anyone could hope for - treasure it.

Well I've got my Day 6 post still to do - 20 things that calm you?  I'll have to think on that one for a bit, I'm struggling.  Thank you for saying my writing is 'beautiful' - I'm not so sure myself, but thank you all the same.  The Stream of Conscious writing was done off the cuff (and posted anonymously) and felt quite good to do.  I was thankful for the encouragement to try and felt better for getting a load of emotion out; did you have a go?  

Sunset again and its a beautiful cloudless sky - I wonder if Carly is out on Christian's beach writing the names of lost, beloved babies....  Too much heartache to comprehend, so many parents going through this.

The necklace that I received this morning - Thank you Heather of Soul Peaces I love it.

Day 5

Day 5 - my favourite quote


"I'll find you in bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth" - Aunty Kayla.

This was the sight A. and I were greeted with last night on leaving the house; this bright, breath-taking, stunningly beautiful, double Rainbow. I'm sure I'll hark on about rainbows being Elizabeth's way of letting us know she is around us, and of course Aunty Kayla's heartfelt words of love:  

From tonights mail to L.


I've had a rough day today and am feeling like a big ball of wool that has been kicked about - a tangled, sorry mess is what I feel like, my emotions are so very raw.   The 'what-ifs' got the better of me this morning and has tainted the day from there - just a miserable mess.

I am focusing on your Glow post though - something that I know that I can 'hope' on and answer you questions on that.  Okay Elizabeth... Oh, I do smile when I mention her, she drags me back up; she is something so special that I can't feel down about mentioning...  Where was I?  

Elizabeth was born on Sunday the 22nd August - 8 weeks and a day ago.  I finally got a period on Monday last week (1 week ago), which was good news and bad.  The bad being that hey, I wasn't pregnant, but there is good. I know that my body is ready and functioning normally - although I haven't a clue whether I ovulated; how do you 'physically' know?  The main sigh came from the knowledge that if I did get pregnant then, without first having a period, I would forever be more worried about miscarriage and I would feel irresponsible for letting that happen.  I couldn't put my hand on my heart and know that I'd done the very best for a future pregnancy - despite what my Ob said about not waiting for a period.  I just read far too much on the Internet about 'pregnancy after c-section' - some say wait for a year!!  Patience is certainly not one of my virtues either.

I am 33 in March, A. is 5 years my senior - I think we still have time on our side.  

It took us 3 months to conceive both Taggpole and Elizabeth and have set myself that goal, I know I'll be a broken woman if I got to the end of this year without a new baby growing inside me.  I definitely know that if it get to Elizabeth's first birthday and I've not got a baby (either growing inside or out), that will be so very, very hard for me to bare.  I know it only took 3 months to conceive before, but I'm already 2 months out now and I don't think its going to happen for us right away - but we are trying our best.

By the way, not sure if you know, but the Ob/Gyn say that trying to conceive, means sex three times a week.  Another tit bit of information I wasn't aware of, is that drinking any alcohol HALVES your chances of conceiving!  Research in Sweden.  I didn't know that before, so my fingers are crossed (yeah - like that'll help?!) that this time is quicker, as I've not drank a drop for 5 weeks.  I did have a very boozy 3 weeks after Elizabeth died, but could I get drunk - hell no, I just drank myself sober and went to bed with the hangover - its just not worth it I found out.  I was also told that first periods can take up to 3 months to come back - I took weekly pregnancy tests after the first month.

I do know your yearning for a baby though and despite the sigh of relief over a period, I couldn't have waited without trying - it feels like I'm actually doing something towards my future happiness and that gives me some hope and a purpose.

My eyes are so sore now, I do apologise for the short reply.

I have taken so much comfort from your mails L., you've given me so much strength, support, kindness and love and listened to me with a compassion and grace that is insurmountable - Thank you, thank you with all my broken heart.

Bedtime - our little babies are being carried to bed now, leaving behind a peaceful, calm beach.  The stars are shining brightly, soft waves whisper 'sweet dreaming', as the bright moonlight dances and reflects a stairway.  They are exhausted, warm and cosy and so they sleep, safe in the arms of our love

Goodnight Elizabeth, 

Goodnight Cullen

Goodnight L.

GITW - Stream of Conscious

Thank you for your post Chris, for the blank sheet of paper also.


The spring is in full force
Her rose is sprouting new branches and leaves
The plants all have their flowers in bloom
The trees have blossomed, their new leaves are lush
The snow drops and daffodils have been and gone
The grass is long and tall
Even the weeds are thriving


But my Elizabeth is not


The days are mostly grey
The rains that drench us, so needed by the earth
It is damp and cold still, a draft wraps itself around my ankles
I do not really feel the cold
Nothing so insignificant can penetrate my pain
This pain isn't the only thing she left me with
For now I know, what it is to feel a mothers love


And everything pales to grey


I'll find you in bright colours and quite places
Your name I'll hear whispered on the wind
I'll see your beauty in flickering candles
I'll feel your sweet kisses in the rays of the sun
I'll feel your love in the melody of beautiful music
I'll feel the power of you - yet the tears will come


This I feel with a searing heat, this mothers love
this unconditional, all encompassing love
Side by side with pain I hold from losing you
I long you my dear, sweet Elizabeth
my body yearns for you to be here
My chest is so full of contradictions
A rage of emotion, so raw


The spring mocks me with its abundance
its warmer, brighter, longer days
How can life go on, how can the circle of life continue
when I am rooted to the spot were you were taken
I am lost, I don't want to world to keep turning
I have no need or want to live
I have no need or want to die


I am marking time, waiting and remembering...

Continued

Taken from tonights letter to L.

I have put the book (Finding Hope When a Child Dies - what other cultures can teach us) that you have suggested on to a wish list - A. will order that for me with in the next week or so - thank you.  I am curious to know what you believe in yourself; being a Baptist.  I'm afraid that I am a bit closed minded to all religions - but would truly like to know what beliefs a Baptist has, how does it compare to Christianity?  How have you found the Buddhist teachings, has that worked out with the Baptist teachings?  

I hope its raining for you where ever you are - where are you?  Why have I got South Carolina in my head?  Anyway, I know completely how you feel for the rain, rainbows hold that closeness for me to Elizabeth.  It doesn't even have to rain for them as the bedroom window has cut glass in it; as the sun rises we find lots of rainbows playing on our pillows and walls - same in the afternoon sun now, we have lots of little rainbows lighting up our living area.  

I believe Cullen is with you when it rains, even if he isn't physically.  He is with you always, you have a huge piece of him in your heart, all that love you have for your little boy is that part and no one can take that away from you.  Carol (Happy Sad Mama) said something really comforting to me - she said that our memories will never fade of our little ones; never, and our love for them will only grow.  She spoke from experience; 7 years down the line, that is heartening to me - I have a very real fear of that.

I was quite fortunate to realise what I had and get the chance to grab with both hands again, what I missed when I joined the army.  I'm talking family-wise, I have something like 50 cousins on my Father's side alone (I did mention they are very religious?) and the family is very tight-knitted.  I think my Grandmother had a baby that died shortly after birth - it wasn't talked of a lot back then, but all my family have rallied around us.  In some ways I hate the fact that we are half a world away... but there is no wishing things were different - that comes under the wretched 'what-ifs'!!  Does it make us want to high tail it back to the UK now?  When the 'strong-head' slips - yes, but most of the time, no.  We came here to realise a dream and no matter what; its not going to bring our Elizabeth back to us.  I do miss Kayla so very much, my Ma and Dad too.

I have, like you only written Elizabeth's birth story out in my paper journal, once.  I had an emergency c-section under a general anaesthetic;  Elizabeth was 39 weeks and 3 days...  I can feel my anxiety raising now; heart racing, hands shaking.  Elizabeth's birth and events surrounding it were traumatic for us both and I'm not ready to go there again just now.  I need a time and place to let the 'strong-head' go - namely without Andy being around; it really upsets him to see me like that and I know that I need to feel uninhibited to get it all out.  Elizabeth was born on a Sunday morning at 07:48 - the sun wasn't even up at that point.....

I've calmed down now.  

I too have been concentrating getting my body ready for another pregnancy.  Still taking the prenatal vitamins, my thyroxine and trying to eat properly too.  My body has only just realised that I've not got Elizabeth here to feed and has settled back into a cycle of sorts.  My Ob said there is no reason to wait, your body will get pregnant when its ready and not before, she also said some women never have a period in between pregnancies.  

I am glad to have someone else to talk to about this - Andy is in total agreement with trying again, but I feel he lacks the awareness that I have a need and a want, that is so strong for a baby - I guess its almost instinctual.  Along with Elizabeth, we lost our status of parents.  I know Andy doesn't define himself as his job (a doctor), but I would have done so if Elizabeth lived - I would have been Elizabeth's stay at home Ma...

About two weeks ago I saw one of Carol's past posts that resonated strongly with me: 

I had a baby, I did, I did.
I stand before the mirror examining the sunrise of stretch marks on my belly, the droop to my breasts. I am still able to squeeze a few drops of milk out, but they don't hurt anymore.
I have a mother's body, I think.
If I died on the highway, and I became a Jane Doe. They could look at me and say, She is somebodies mother.
They would feel sad, looking at me, white and cold on the table. She's so young, with a child out there somewhere.
little would they know, would they.

What is it that makes it so hard for us?
Why don't we believe that we ever had that baby, that we ever were mothers?
I would hunt for evidence all day long; the physical evidence of my body would keep me convinced for only so long. Then I would turn to the drawers of neatly folded diapers, of cotton oneies and hand-knitted sweaters. I would run my fingers along the smoothness of the maple crib rail; the rocking chair. I have these things, I would murmur to myself under my breath, because I had a baby, I did, I did.


From that I wrote this:

It doesn't seem real to me most days - that yes, I did have a baby.

I had the baby seat in the car, I had the cot and bassinet there with fresh, sweet smelling linen prepared.  

I have the draws for the change table filled with soft, tagg-less oneies and hand knitted cardigans.

I have the soft sheep skin teddy bear, the big monkey I'd taken months to knit and put together....

They all stand there waiting, waiting for someone who never came home.

I don't have the stretch marks, but I have the scar; the long lopsided smile that stretches from hip to hip.

6 weeks on and my breasts are still leaking, after they gave me the 'magic' pill to supposedly stop that.

I cringe at my mothers body and I am the Jane Doe you spoke of...  

I am no one.  

I have no name.  

I have no definition.

I am no mother to a child.  

I have no purpose, no job or baby to nurture.

I have no want or need to live.  

I have no want or need to die.

I am marking time, my world has shuddered to a full-stop.

I am lost, broken and shattered without my dear, sweet Elizabeth.

Nothing makes sense.

------

As the sun sets on this side of the world, my mind turns to the West and to Christian's beach - where our babies are running up and down the store, jumping in and out of the surf - I can almost hear their gleeful exclamations and giggles while crunching on mouthfuls of sand....

Day 4

Day 4 - your favourite book, has it changed since your loss?


I don't think I have a favourite book right now - I guess the one that I'm reading now; An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination.  My taste in books has vastly changed!  Up until Elizabeth came into our lives, I was a fiction junkie - anything to immerse myself into a world of dreams and fantasy.  That doesn't mean Si-Fi though; far too far fetched!  I loved the simple ones and wish I cam e up the the Harry Potter Books!  I also loved the Twilight Saga... yes, I know totally a teen book, but it did just that - transported me back to a time of innocence, wonder and lust.  Pure distraction at its best.  I much preferred to get out and about in the warmer months, rather than curl up with a book on a bright sunny day and winter was my time for the trashy books.


Now, I can't read enough on grief, specifically the loss of a baby.  Reading other parents stories has helped me so much.  Its taught me that me what grief is all about (accepting your loss and living life with that fact),  what to expect and how I can navigate the process it some extent.  They tell me that I'm not bonkers for what I feel, and to be honest I did think I was going crazy!  I'm not quite sure why others peoples stories help - I know its not me being voyeuristic, but there is a connection I have with others that have gone through the emotional pain that I am.  They give my own emotions a focus for a moment when I reading, I can say - Oh, I totally know what they mean.  I can relate to the authors and have my thoughts and feeling validated in that respect.
I don't even find pleasure in the gossip magazines anymore.  I have one delivered and just look at the headlines and pictures and move onward, only because I know its piss A. off if I didn't look at it!  Anyway, its a minefield of pregnant women and 'miracle babies'.


Short one today, A. and I have been out most of the day (Armageddon) and I want to write back to my new pen pal L. firstly - if there is anything pertinent in that, then I'll copy it over.


Until tomorrow then...

Day 3

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Well that was answered yesterday.... I don't have one.


So what am I doing today?  I have the music on random on 'best of all' playlist and Reckoner is playing - this tune take me back to the cruise ships, walking around the top deck after sweating my arse off at the gym.  This being my cool down tune and for as long as I was walking, it would be played and played and played!  A. and I were on the World Cruise on the Royal Princess; A. being the doctor on the ship.  That was the beginning of 2008, finishing in Roma and finishing the 'sea life', to find our dreams in Australia.  We found them along with the nightmare that has become our lives now.


Also I have some fantastic Brownies in the oven - these are awfully indulgent, I've never used melted chocolate and butter in loo of milk or water before!


Was writing again to L this morning - telling her how selfless she was by answering my mail on a day of such significance - her Cullen's due date.  I did not know this when I wrote and feel like the tiny babe in the arms of an angel; Willow Tree figurine that sits here by my side.  The way she put 'herself' aside for my woes and hugged me with her words of comfort.
I also mentioned that "I am without a religious faith... I choose not to believe" and have since heard back from L., asking about my relationship with faith.


So here you go L. - todays thoughts on my faith...
I have a very simplistic view of faith I think - I choose to believe in what I want. 
Faith is defined by Wikipedia as : the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing.  Faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true.^[5] It is the belief and the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared, based on the declarer's authority and truthfulness

Bit of back ground on me:

I was brought up a Roman Catholic; I've been Christened, have made my First Holy Communion and have been Confirmed.  My father and his family (his oldest brother was given up to the priesthood as a boy) are the ones behind all the religion that surrounded me as a child.  My mother however got to stay at home, cooking the roast dinner on a Sunday morning when we'd all get ushered off to church - that seemed unbalanced; there was a choice?  Did that mean that Ma was damned to hell in Dad's books?  

That was the starting point to my questions.  Then things fell apart with Ma and Dad's marriage when I was 12, K. and I. are my two younger sisters.  To set it all off we all changed schools, and so I felt my life turned on its head  - what was happening to my world?  I started to buck against everything that was wanted of me and left school after my GCSEs - at the age of 16, I left home to join the Army.  If I was allowed to fight for my country, I could decide if I went to church or not - those were the words of my Ma, although attributed at anything, boyfriends, drinking, staying out late.  I rebelled.

Religion has come up in my life a lot over the years and have always thought I believe in something, but that 'something' needed more exploration.  I have calmed down now, mostly due to meeting A., becoming a lot more settled and more reflective.  I took up meditation a few years ago and found the clarity of thought was wonderful (after a 10 day silent retreat - I don't tend to do things by halves), just living in the moment and drinking in everything in that one moment - wonderful!  It calmed my mind down and a natural progression was to visit a Buddhist meeting (The FWBO).... then my life took a nose dive with losing Taggpole and then being Pregnant with Elizabeth, I wasn't able to meditate at the meetings (very low blood pressure), even though I wanted too.

Losing Elizabeth has dashed everything.  It has made me question everything and made me realise that I will believe in what I want.  After all, everything as I see it, is random - how else can I get over the fact that my babies were taken away from A. and I - our family snuffed out like a candle?  There is no karma, no lucky four leaf clover, no use in praying, no fate or natural order of things, I don't even bother with horoscopes - there is nothing for me to pin my hopes upon....  

But I do still hope.  I do believe in me and have faith in my love.  I know I'm strong enough with A. by my side to do anything.  I know that my love will keep Elizabeth alive in me - my families love enough keep her safe with them too.  I believe that Elizabeth is in the bright colours of rainbows, her breath is in the wind that blows through my hair, her smile is in the rays of the sunshine that kiss my cheeks, she is in my heart when the wind and rain thrashes down and I retreat to the quite places - she is with me all the time.

I also believe that when my heart stops beating, we will meet again and we will have our time together.  How that happens, your guess is as good as mine, but of that I do believe.  Love this strong will never die, I can't think that it could be wasted, dissipate or get blown to the four corners - it just to damned strong and sturdy for that.  I talk to Elizabeth all the time, as I see it, we are attached; we have a heart to heart link and she knows what my heart thinks at every moment - I don't have to guard what I actually say, as she can see straight through any words and know how I feel.   

I would love to think that my Grandparents are out there looking after our Elizabeth, I think everyone who dies gravitates to where they are needed and where they need to be.  I do have a great image in my head - all our babies congregate on Christian's beach at every sunset and play in the surf together.

That comforts me and I guess that is all that really matters.  It is strange.  I do feel comforted if someone else prayers for Elizabeth, or forwards me a poem with features a God...* I guess for the same reason it comforts me, they are comforted and it gives them something to hold on to and remember her by.

* My favourite poem

I'll Be There - 

Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy please don't cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
and He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God
Don't think He is unkind
Don't think he sent me to you
And then he changed his mind

You see, I am a special Child
And I am needed up above
I'm the special gift you gave him
The product of your love

I'll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming
That's my eyes shining bright

You'll see me in the morning frost
That mists your windowpane
That's me, in the summer showers
I'll be dancing in the rain

When you feel a gentle breeze
From a gentle wind that blows
That's me! I'll be there
Planting a kiss upon your nose

When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug
That's me! I'll be there
Giving your heart a hug

So, Daddy please don't look so sad
Mommy don't you cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies

Author unknown

Ah, 'find the brightest star that's gleaming', 'you'll see me in the morning frost' - makes my heart swell and the tears fall unheeded.  

Nothing but beauty and love L.

I'm all but numb right now, but will say that I think its been an easier road to travel knowing that we don't need to put a brave face on for all our family - Only contacting them when we feel able to (of which there is a small window of opportunity - time zones).  I can walk out of the house and be the 'grey lady' and fade into the back ground, no one knows who I am to talk to.  I can be who I want, without expectations.  
I wouldn't know how to grieve otherwise, this year has all been a whole new ball game to us.  A. and I are so much closer, having to rely on one another and hold each other up, ensuring we're giving what each of us needs - rather than what we'd want in return.

I hope your today is better than yesterday and your tomorrow, not as daunting.

Day 2

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.


Well this one is easy - I haven't got one.
I don't turn on the tv at all and have no interest in the movies either.  I'll only catch the news if A. is watching it, otherwise I sit in my rocking chair, with my feet up and covered with a hairy blanket by the window and read - A. says I look like a cozy old lady... I am.


TV is a distraction for me.  I've only had an interest in watching 007 - From Russia With Love and that is only because I wanted to see how different it was from Ian Fleming's book I'd just read.  I can't even watch harmless sitcoms really, there will inevitably be some sort of story line around babies; one here in Australia has the main character working as an Ob on a maternity ward.  So that is me limiting the damage tv can do too me.


Ah, but I did gush over A Single Man yesterday.  A beautiful, stylish movie directed by Tom Ford.  Beautiful soundtrack and also the ever-so wonderful Colin Firth...playing a gay man - again!!  Anyway, the story is tragic; its all about loss.  I've not seen it since the flight over to the UK, it will be interesting seeing it through these grief-goggles.


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I was writing to a new 'baby-lost' mama last night, rambling on I was about something that I couldn't quite grasp - obviously.  When later on in bed reading An Exact Replica, I saw a sentence that summed up that whole email I'd sent to L.  How annoying that people can write so damned well!!  Anyway, this the it bit; 'I wanted to say something to our friends that wasn't, "our child has died and our lives are over"'.  
That is what writing this is for me.  I know my friends and family aren't going to read this, but for me, I need to think something different from 'my dear Elizabeth has died and my life are over'.  
This is why the 30 Days appealed to me so much; a defined structure to think around.  Of course Elizabeth is the main character, she is my specialised subject and I gravitate towards her and think of her so much.  She has changed my life irreparably and I'm determined to make her too short life, count for something - I want to learn from her legacy of love.  I want to grow having her memory in my life.  I want to search out the nugget of gold in this cesspit that I've found myself in.


Its October 15th and Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Elizabeth's candle is alight and I think of all the lost babies, their families and loved ones.

From the words of Aunty K - 'I'll find you in bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth'.  


I miss you baby girl xxxx

Day 1

Day 1 - A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why?


I love my music and this is going to be hard - if not long!
While I was carrying Elizabeth I made a playlist 'the best of all' on my computer - considering that I have over 8500 tunes, that was a massive project for me!  So it took me a good few months to actually finish, listening to each tune to evaluate its worthiness and ended up with 1220 tunes.  
However there are some that stand out, ones that I'd played an awful lot; the newest albums and long forgotten tunes; I found the words just fitted me now.  


The album that means the most I think is The Single Man soundtrack - if you don't know the movie, I would suggest you'd go rent it out - but more on that tomorrow I think.
Anyway, its beauty hunted me from the outset - sitting on the plane over to England watching the movie.  This I think is my favourite - Stillness of Mind, oh and Daydreams, but all of the track by the composer Abel Korzeniowski are so moving.  I listened to it incessantly and loved its mellow, calming feeling.  Now I can see the heart-breaking obvious sorrow.


There are two albums that were new to me - actually M's birthday presents that I copied.
Antony & the Johnsons - I Am A Bird Now and the song is You Are My Sister.  The first time I really heard that song was some months later when I was in Victoria Gardens; in the centre of Melbourne.  This is where A and I lay tulips for our dear lost Taggpole; our first pregnancy that ended just shy of 15 weeks.  I was 6 or 7 months pregnant with Elizabeth when I was there laying the pink tulips with my ipod on - I was just saying to Taggpole, 'look how your sister grows'.  Then came the opening line to the song 'You are my sister, we were born'.  It was if Taggpole was singing to her, but now I see it as Taggpole protecting her where ever they may be - I do believe they are together and that does give me great comfort.
The other is just again a hauntingly beautiful piece of music - so soft and delicate so very expressive - sadness.  It is Part: Für Alina.  The link I found on You.tube is great (although you don't to hear much of the piece) as he gives an insight that I'd never seen; the two people on a path and ever quite meet....
I have that playing now.


Others include the whole of the Division Bell album from Pink Floyd - that has, and always had a calming effect on me, my soul just seems so free and soars with those rifts!  Also a lot of Led Zepplin, of which Stairway To Heaven was favourite.  Its had a revival of late, seeing as my Dad originally gave me the box set of Remasters of my 15th Birthday?!


The song that makes me cry, gives me a huge grin and so much bad singing (you try carrying a tune while balling your eyes out!) is Don't Worry, Be Happy.  When this song would come on Elizabeth and I would dance about - her in utero and me singing and Oooh oh Oooooing.  Now, I can't help but think that she is telling me not to worry and to be happy - so I try my best, the tears can't be helped though.


The NCIS theme tune is another one Elizabeth would go bonkers to, so we (A and I) would bounce around singing too - Its a good job that TV is showing the Commonwealth Games right now; I've not had to deal with that yet.


Time to get started on the soup.
Hm, I think I've answered that one fully?
Music is a passion and such an expression of how I'm feeling.


The soup is very green!


I'd forgotten to mention the song that had my heart breaking as I was walking around Melbourne city centre like a zombie.  I've only done that; had a melt down in the city twice and I have been there countless times - after all that is where we lay our flowers for our babies.  The song that came up was from The Crow movie, It Can't Rain All The Time - Jane Siberry.  There is a bit near the end where she whispers, it starts, 'last night I had a dream'....  I almost choked on my sobs and the tears came like a tap on full!  I ducked out of the big department store I was in and stood outside sobbing my heart out - a lady saw me and asked if I was okay, 'did I want to sit down or maybe talk'.  That made me sob harder still - as my other melt down was on a busy sidewalk at lunch time and not one person that saw me in a crumpled heap on that bench did anything.  I think that made me cry hard too.  I've not listened to since then.
Thank you kind lady with the red coat, thank you for your offer; you restored a little of my faith in humanity in general.


Oh yeah, I was just thinking of putting all those songs/tunes together for a real good cry at some point - you can't have a good old sob without REM's Every Body Hurts!