The Pursuit of Happiness

I read an interesting article in the magazine that I subscribe to today.  This magazine is the only one I have ever read cover to cover and still do after my world was tipped upside down - I get it shipped from the UK too.

Anyway, I read the short article on The Pursuit of Happiness written by Dr R Holden, who has started the Happiness.Project, from his want to investigate the real purpose and value of happiness.  He goes on to say how people were happier back in the 1940s than they are now, which is surprising considering all the choices, education, technology and entertainment we have nowadays.

The clincher that I found a great thinking tool was this: 'what has become a pretty standard model in happiness research, which suggests 50 per cent comes from our genes (by this they mean our personality), 40 per cent from our choices and 10 per cent or less from our life circumstances.  How strange, then, that most people dedicate their energy to improving an area of their life that will only influence their happiness by 10 per cent'.  He goes on to say, that the choices he is on about is being grateful of what you have, rather than complaining about what you don't have, and choosing to forgive rather than hold grudges.  He says 'choosing to believe that happiness is not just something that comes only to those who deserve it'.

My word that opened up a load of worms for me, as I happened to look up and see a very pregnant lady walking by - I know that this will happen for me sometime soon, but its not for me to worry about it yet; it is completely out of my hands.  I need to concentrate on all the things that I do have in my life right now and acknowledge them and yes, to be grateful for them too.  I will always want the unobtainable; my daughter Elizabeth; alive, happy and healthy, growing before my eyes - I will never get her back.

I know grief is all part of the process and very different from just being down in the mouth about things; I am no way minimising things at all and this 10% is somewhat slightly fucking larger in my case and in all the BLM lives.  But we all have choices of what we choose to react with.  I know its easier said than done - but at the lady waddling across the road, I though with a longing that I will be in that position one day....  And that was it, change subject, engage A with words of good things in our present and imminent future.

I have always thought of myself as an optimist and a naturally happy person, but when I do feel down everyone tends to notice that too.  Andy has wafted the 'D' word (depression) around once or twice in the 7 years we've known each other - the last time wasn't all that long ago funnily enough (?), but after explaining the hows and whys of what I'm feeling and telling him that its not going to last forever - he understands my point of view and lets me get on with things.
I have become quite apt at finding my feelings and verbalising them recently.  A few years ago I would just react in a knee-jerk action, not knowing why.  Now I calm down and take notice of the feelings, sit with them, working backwards through the reactions, wants, actions, desires and coming to the raw emotions underneath all that - I have grown up in that respect.

I do want to feel happiness again.  I do want to be happy with my lot in life and not let the death of my baby be the defining moment in my life, but I know its going to be hard and conscious work.  It is something to aspire to, something to work towards.  If I can work on the that and let the 20 - 30% of my 'life circumstances' go that I have no power over - doesn't that mean I have up to 70% to work with?  To me those are good odds making happiness something attainable.