Pot, Appointments & Calm

Things have gone to pot here - I wish that meant just smoking the stuff!  I did give up smoking like a trooper 6 years ago and have only twice thought about sparking up again - a time not so long ago actually.

Where to start?

16 weeks out and I feel so estranged from my Elizabeth, maybe that is too harsh a word, but I feel so detached from from everything around me.  I move through the days just getting by; just reacting to everything and not having anything original thought or feeling...  Other than something is so very wrong, the deep sadness that has settled in me and a unquenchable thirst for what is missing.
I am bogged down with life issues right now and that pushes away all attempts of grieving out of my head.

So, leaving all thoughts of Elizabeth aside for the moment, I hate to do so, but this isn't about her - it is all me.  It is all my worries, my health and my woes right now. This is My Space.
I have a day surgery appointment on Friday and while I am thankful for the prompt actions with getting me in; I am shitting myself.

I don't want to go back to the hospital where I left empty handed, where I was put under an GA and on waking they told me they couldn't save her; she is dead.  I hate that hospital for what it stands for, not because of some sort of failing.  I hate the fact that I have to go there for all out patient clinics, investigations, treatments and what not I will ever need, whatever happens in the future.  I hate everything about it.  I hate the smell, I hate its an all women's hospital, I hate the clinic waiting rooms full of innocent pregnant women, I hate seeing the newborns going home in their brand new car seats, I hate the statues outside in all its pregnant glory.  I hate the journey into the city with that as the destination, I force my feet walk. There is one exception and that is the RS/fertility clinic - its on a floor where no bump or babes will be, but you still have to walk through those doors.

So with that and the PPT diagnosis, I have found myself at the hospital every week for the past 6 weeks and its getting to me now.  This clinic that I'm under for Friday's appointment and the RS clinic are great in fairness, they have my best interests at heart and they know of Elizabeth and our past in the hospital and make allowances - I just wish the others would give me the same courtesy.

Distraction techniques are in full operation these days, which leads me back to the beginning; feeling so very far away from my sweet baby girl.

Last night I went to a local meeting for bereaved parents, I am glad I did go.  There was talk of next pregnancies and it brought a lot of emotion from many, just why is it a taboo subject and only thought of as a hesitant after thought?  It is not to replace the babe that died, we had been setting ourselves up for parenthood for the best part of nine months, then its get whipped away and its gone?  No, it certainly isn't gone from me; that was my identity too.

But listening to others views and perspectives was enlightening.  Some waited a year, and it was then suggested that to wait that time is for the better (said by the counsellor).  Some wanted it desperately before they'd even left the hospital, where some worked up to the wanting.  

I listened to the lady who waited (she is thinking of another children and has one older and younger from her son who died at birth) and something just clicked inside.  I could see she is where she wants to be - all be it three and a half years out.  She didn't push things to happen, she had the foresight to see the big picture and to be patient.  I can't put my finger on what it was she actually said, that made me see and realise that it is okay to wait. I have to wait, there is no bullying, coercing or tempting a pregnancy to happen now - its just not going to happen.  To know that is okay, and to see how together she is - I think that showed me to have a patience and turn down this desperation I have for another pregnancy.

I don't know how long this feeling of calm will last, but I intend to ride it out.  I have other things on my plate that needs my attention, or rather my distraction and am just going to accept this gift from Cowen's Ma.

My picture of calm

Taken from the Royal Princess, Feb 2009
Crossing the North Pacific Ocean