It is health issues that is destroying my goal for second best. First place? That goes to the one who can hand me back my sweet Elizabeth; alive, fit and healthy...
The second best is another baby and that just ain't going to happen while my body is fuck arsing me about like this. I've been diagnosed with PPT, there is nothing I can do about this - there is no medicine I can take, no amount of relaxing or being calm about things is going to sort it out. I just have to wait it out and let it run its course.
Deep breath
It is hard to sit back and let your dreams go for awhile, especially when they are so desperately yearned for and needed - but here is my attempt to be present and really see the beauty that surrounded me at Vic Gardens today (taken from notes).
Life is actually pretty amazing...
I am sat on the damp grass after the hospital appointment this morning.
The beauty of just sitting in VG by myself, watching the wild life; the ducks, hearing the mewing of the Moorhen chicks, watching Willy Wagtail darting about; wafting his tail for flies. Seeing the amazing blue of the Azure Kingfisher, swooping and chirruping away.
Sitting in the sun, letting it warm my back. Having the backdrop of the bright blue sky, making such contrasts against the lush greens of the tree foliage and lily pads in the pond. Small things catch my eye; a dragonfly, a white butterfly and two red admirals doing a mating dance over the bright white lilies.
Life is amazing
... It is also amazingly unfair.
How did I get here?
How did I become so lost and broken?
But now is not for dwelling on all the sadness and frustrations that I am faced with; for I have no control over that and that is the key for me.... I've got to let go of these stresses, of that need to have all the answers and all the information. It is just a waste of my mental and physical energies, which I should be putting into healing and grieving.
I see the Azure Kingfisher again - ah, such beauty.
I've got to take a step back from myself, my wants and worries - there are quite a few, but aren't life threatening thankfully. I have to calm myself, at a good look at the big picture....
And breathe and relax and take comfort in everything and everyone around me. These months will just be insignificant in the long run; moments of deep grieving in the grand scheme of things - why don't I stop stressing about things that I clearly not under my control?
It really does take some hard work to do this, I guess that is why I've not really tried - too hard and my motto recently is; 'the path of least resistance'.
Why do Dragonflies have two sets of wings?
I find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful girl
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| Today the rain and sun were battling it out. Then they came together
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I have to remember it is spring where you are because I keep thinking why the heck are there so many rainbows in winter? They are beautiful really and something I can say I have always taken note of. I have some more pictures I will eventually send you for your collection. I wish I could have sat with you and enjoy that scene. It sounds lovely and I can envision it in my head. I am sorry about the PPT. I had not heard of thyroid issues that can occur after pregnancy like this, so another new thing learned. I wish your body a speedy recovery and hope it doesn't transpire into a permanent condition. I too spend many hours rehashing, sometimes I wish there were a way to make myself stop but ultimately I feel better afterward. Much love to you lady!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the PPT diagnosis. I've battled hyperthyriodism for years and it is a very unpleasant disease. Patience is not one of my strong characteristics. I feel your frustration at having to wait to move forward with certain things. I hope this is a time for you to grieve, remember, and grow. Thinking of you and your sweet girl.
ReplyDeleteOh Tess, I am so sorry about the PPT diagnosis. Not fair, not fucking fair at all.
ReplyDeleteI am struck, in your rainbow pictures, by how beautifully light it is on the inner circle of the rainbow, and dark on the outer arc - the way the two meet to form this beautiful rainbow - kind of like the depth of beauty and love for our children we are able to feel, comingled with the depth of the pain at their loss. These two extremes - so vastly different, and yet, also so closely related.
Sending you much love, my dear, and wishes and thoughts for a most speedy recovery.
When I look at the photos I see them both.. these are amazing Tess- can you believe it?
ReplyDeleteI picture the heron that came up to sit next to you. An image...yes indeed.
You know I live the motto.. that and just keep swimming.
I like to think that in a few years we will look back on these months and think them short. I just wish we could do that now... I wish for a lot of things....
love you.. L
Oh, Missy I am looking forward to having a look at and adding your rainbows to 'the collection' - thank you so much. I wish you could've been there too - share the wonder and beauty.
ReplyDeleteSarah your words about the rainbow is spot on - the depth of beauty verses the depth of pain and how they can live in our hearts together for our babies - I am not surprised they are thoroughly broken with all that going on!!
Angela, patience is definitely not one of my traits either; its a work in progress, but something to aspire to eh?
Dear Leslie - I can see them both. You would believe how many times I dashed up from my chair to look for the rainbows, with camera in hand!! Maybe I was beneath them all, until I caught this one?
I will look back at these dark days and know that 15 weeks is such a short time, but right now I'm living it and it is so unbearably long - we'll just keep swimming....
You are so right. I am creating new memories with my photos and such. They are just not the memories I had imagined. Thank you for helping me to see that! Big Hug!
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