Difficult Days

I've been trying to write new posts, always starting and then getting waylaid with something or other - I am just so very restless right now.  I flit from one thing to the next, I have grand ideas of starting new projects and I go out and get supplies, it often takes days for me to get around to a project.  This has been going on for about two weeks - I don't think I've written a proper post since the Happy Days post.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything once again and because of this deep restlessness within, I can't sit down and make a plan of action - how do I relieve the pressure that I am creating around me?  I know it is all by my doing too.  It is timing.  This is the month of fucking celebrations; Christmas.  I am far from a place that I want to celebrate it and luckily enough, I am far from the people who I would usually celebrate with - half a world away, literally.

Christmas used to be so worth celebrating when I was growing up with the family, it was indeed a special time when everyone got together to enjoy all the festive fun.  Oh, the feelings of such joy!  Just going out Christmas shopping with the sisters, buying these wonderful thoughtful presents for my family.  The excitement of decorating the tree, putting fairy lights up everywhere and going out to laugh at the hideously over the top decorated houses in the area.  The gear up to Christmas was the best bit for me, all the preparation and thought, making the Christmas cake and making a wish as we took turns stirring it - yes, we still did these things as adults; myself, Ma, K and I.

Where ever we were, we'd always make it back to home with Ma and celebrated Christmas day with her, everyone under the same roof again and what a ball we always had, such great catch ups, excitement and anticipation.  We'd all still have stockings; silly things, but always a Toblerone, a satsuma and a walnut.  One year Ma made the awesome mistake of putting Silly String in our stockings - Ha ha, the utter mess of the place with five adults emptying our cans into one another; it was priceless and there was absolutely no bad moods what so ever.  I think that was the last one back home with everyone actually, two years ago.  We were all sit around the kitchen table eating chocolate and drinking, each with a bowl of veggies to prepare and we had the most almighty meal; everyone wearing the silly cracker hats and eating till we popped.  Then after a vegetate in front of the TV, the Wii would be out and we'd all be playing bowling, golf, tennis and then brain academy in pairs - things would get silly the later it got, still drinking!

Boxing day was always another epic day, it was the White's gathering; my fathers side of the family.  My father was brought up Catholic, he is one of six children (I have since discovered that my Grandmother lost at child at birth) and I think at the last count there was 48 cousins - so this gathering is amazing.  I can not remember a time when we didn't have these gathering, these Boxing Days make my favourite childhood memories.  Myself and the sister were the youngest batch and so all my older cousins dotted on us - they still do.  We got all the hand me downs as kids and later on taken to the pub!  After a grand feast, we'd all hike up the 'the clumps', miles it was, while the older members slept off the food, then prepared the next meal.  Oh, the puddings where the best; pink fluff, pavlova and pies and crumbles.  We'd always stay round the hosting house; we lived the furthest away, camp beds and sleeping bags, a late night talking and catching up with everyone...  I can almost smell the Rudolph and pheasant pie we ate two years ago!

Christmas was truly was a family bonding time

I'm just realising again what I've taken myself away from; by moving over here, to Australia.  I know all the cousins have moved on and have there own families now, but away from my sisters - I've potentially removed myself from letting my children experience that....  Not that either of my sisters are nearing the thought of having kids.  Even so, those as I said are some of the fondest memories I have growing up.
I really hate this time of the year now - I always question myself about this move we've made.

But this year was supposed to be so fucking different.  This time last year I was just five short weeks pregnant again - life was now looking up and I could say; next Christmas, it'll be our own little family enjoying all the festive cheer.  It doesn't even seem like Christmas over here, growing up with it in the winter and now to this; another summer holiday - it just doesn't feel right.
So, this year I am in hiding from Christmas, no decorations, no tree or fairy lights and the ones I do have will not be going on, no Christmas shopping and singing along to Elf.fm.  Christmas is cancelled at this house - there is no celebrating anything.

However, Andy and I are very lucky - a colleague has lent us their holiday home on the beach for the week leading up to Christmas and we will be there.  Andy is to be working the night shifts over the Christmas week.  It will be so good to get out of this somewhat stagnant environment of 'woe is me'.  I know it will be a relief, we've had a recent long weekend in Sydney and it was like we were on holiday from our lives of grief.  I just want an escape from here, to get away and put on hold making any Christmas memories, any new Christmas traditions for us here in Australia with all this strange, hot and sunny weather.  I  think that I will be taking a few of Elizabeth's things though - I'm not running away from her.  We will have presents at the beach house (try telling Andy otherwise!) and we will enjoy ourselves on the beach everyday, but it will just feel like a holiday; nothing more than that.

The pressures that I speak of, is in reference to the family; I do just want to disappear and forget what I'm missing out on.  I also want to forget the cards - and what will I say in them anyway; Merry Motherfucking Christmas?  I'd love to, but honestly where do I add Elizabeth's name?  Do I just add her in the 'with love from, A, T & Elizabeth?  Or do I just put 'remembering Elizabeth'?  Fuck -  this isn't what I'm supposed to be thinking about.  I think I will get some of those cards, at least people won't think I'm enjoying myself then.
All these are self imposed pressures, I'm sure no one expects anything much from me this year and I am thankful for that.  December is usually a fantastic time of the year for me, now I have all these new strong reactions to it and its knocked me down again....

Breathe and let be - this can't last forever.