More Realisations & The Dream

Something hit me yesterday.  

I was talking to Elizabeth while in her room, looking at her beautiful Memory Box (which holds her ashes; I see it as a part of us both residing in there; the mother in me and the daughter in her, both captured together and immortalised on the front) and I just thought that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  

She is my daughter, I love her, I miss her so damned much - but why do I struggle to keep her with me?  I struggle to keep her on my mind all the time and often feel guilty for all this distraction I make myself.  

At the end of the day, I can not love her more, there isn't a fibre in my body that wouldn't give everything to have her back with me.  I know this and so does she I believe.  So why am I struggling so much?  

I need to let go of all the should dos and could dos, and just love her the only way I know how - and that is to just be me.  

I found a peace in that realisation.  I feel I've let myself resister how much pressure I've been putting on myself to feel a certain way, about how to grieve and what I feel, I should be doing.  I have taken that limiting expectation away now and can feel a relief and calmness.  It stemmed from yesterdays post.  Now I hope I can feel, do and think what ever it is that I need to, and know that I am grieving, loving and missing my beautiful girl without restriction.

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In my dream I am pregnant.

I am fearful, protective, but I am in absolute awe of what is happening.

I am getting quite big and carrying quite low.

I know this is my second time around; I know what I could lose.

The next moment I am giving birth, is it too early?

It is painless and quick, and I'm left looking in pure amazement at the placenta that I'm left with.

Where is my baby?  But I'm not panicking; I'm content to be in wonder at the placenta

Ah, I am handed my bundle...  its eyes are open and looking at me, my heart swells

I am told matter of factly to lose my top, I do so instantly.

But before I take my babe back, I move my long necklace out of the way

My baby looks at me and I cox it to start finding its feed...

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I am stuck by so much in this dream, but mostly by the facts that this babe was not Elizabeth.  I don't know its sex, only that it is my baby and its alive, warm, alert and pink - so very, very different from the memories I have of holding Elizabeth and her birth.

The necklace I moved from my chest?  It is the glass locket I wear almost daily, it holds the pictures of Elizabeth and names of both her and Taggpole. 

To me, this is the clincher; this is my hope.  I have been shown a possible future; it can exist.  I do know there is hope and I do know there is a chance that I will birth a live baby in my future.

I woke crying this morning from that dream and my heart is swollen from renewed hope and love.  This is another layer of protection I am giving myself, in a round about way - it is not from my own thoughts, but a gift from myself never the less.  

Do I believe Elizabeth sent me this dream?  It would be nice to think so, but its a lot to put on a her - but I don't want to not thank her just in case....