Little Things

Elizabeth was born on August 22nd.
Now does that mean that she would have been 16 weeks today?  Its not 4 months by the date? At any rate Sundays are the worst for me ~ Sunday's child is full of grace?

I have feelings of guilt.  Guilt for wanting to be 'normal' again.  Its not that I want to forget my daughter, but sometimes my distraction techniques work a little too well. I'll be watching the tv (the greatest distraction there is for me and it is rarely on), so engrossed I'll be and then something will come out of nowhere and slap me across my face. Be it a moment in the program/film (the last time was 'Dan in Real Life', explaining he was born, just like everyone else and grew up, just like everyone else...) or I see her candle flicker out the corner of my eye and I get snapped back into the reality of my life.  It is sad when you want to escape the misery that surrounds, to break from the old routine that is everyday life and when I realise that, I feel a guilt that is pliable that serves to hurt me more so.

Elizabeth is a part of our lives, she is part of our family and always will be, I wouldn't have it any other way. I just want to get to a point where I remember her with a smile of happiness, where my heart swells with the love I have and yearn to make more memories for her.  Right now my heart is too heavy, it has been wronged and it is in pieces.  Everything is too unfair right now, too desperate and too raw.

Ha - A. has just walked in from the mall baring gifts!  A box of white chocolaty balls of goodness and the Eclipse dvd.  The connotations attached to the film?  When watching that the cinema on July 1st, I was eight months pregnant and half way through the film I started having my first real strong Braxton Hicks contractions.  I was so excited, so much so that I couldn't tell you what happened in the latter part of the film; I was glued to my iphone app, 'the contraction counter'.  Those BH went on for four hours, I remember walking and walking them off and finally waking up to them gone. I am smiling.

Something else that came back to me that made me smile with wonder, a sneeze. Just a simple sneeze when I was feeling sick, somehow they do have magical properties; once sneezed the queasy feelings are truly gone.  I did indeed sneeze a lot with the morning/all-day sickness and the relief that a single sneeze would being, was amazing.

So, not all these realisations are a slap in the face - I guess I am healing after all?