Since Elizabeth's Birthday

Where to start?

All in all it was just a beautiful day - much more than the first real warm day of spring. It is hard to explain, but there was no sorrow about the day, there was a lot of reflecting, lots of hugs and smiles, lots of talking of Elizabeth and so much love in our hearts. That was my main aim for the day; to hold my beautiful Elizabeth in my heart, to revel in that love that her mere presence opened up to me. Yes, there was some tears when I just couldn't contain them anymore - when I was watching those final rays of sunlight dipping below the horizon, I was saying our goodbye again...
And then I thought about the sun coming up again tomorrow and the next day, then the next and things were put back into perspective once again.

Elizabeth is always going to be with me, I've not lost her. We have a future (not the one I ever envisioned, but a future none the less), we have this now and we have some very, very fond memories to look back on. And those memories won't stop there, I'm making them all the time - the most recent being the sunrise/set photos. Friends and family have overwhelmed us with their response for taking those, remembering Elizabeth in that way and we have truly been touched my the many whom have kept us in their thoughts and hearts.

'Smarties' covered super duper chocolate cake

We didn't celebrate her birthday as such, yes we ate chocolate birthday cake I'd baked the day before, we lit candles (not on her cake), we went out to the city and ate out after a lazy lunch at another beach, we wrote cards, I wrote in my journal to her and we had relaxing, quality time together A. and I. We woke early to venture out and take sunrise photos and stayed up to take the sunset ones - but we didn't celebrate; we remembered her, we showered love on her, on each other too and we kept all our personal sadness away. I got up ridiculously early with a buzz about me, I just wanted to do our best, to continue this good mood and remember our daughter with all the love we have and we did it.

I'm still on a kind of high from her birthday, although it's morphed into more of a relief than anything else - we survived with smiles on our exhausted faces, we took some amazing photos, we connected with each other and we were for that moment feeling like real parents.

I guess I'm relieved too that we weren't forgotten by friends and family - I'm still writing my heartfelt thank you's; we were just inundated with texts, mails, face.book updates 'tagging' us both in those photos and thoughtful kind words - thankfully there was no phone calls.

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Where to start again?

I wrote the above about two weeks ago and have just been taking a break from everything since then. Really I've been kind of immersing myself into everyday life again and feeling the relief from having survived Elizabeth's first birthday.  Its been a relief just having a true taste of being a 'normal' pregnant lady and that has been good for me. A superficial type living again I know, but I'm taking the path of least resistance right now.

I'm feeling run down and haven't the energy to do more than the bare essentials; I have a cold and have really hurt my ribs from all the sneezes - it really is the most uncomfortable thing when sneezing! Then on this past Sunday it was Father's Day here and that coincided with it being two years since we lost Taggpole. So a pretty shit few days that we managed to turn into a lovely weekend for the pair of us, amazingly enough!

We are still receiving beautiful things of remembrance from Elizabeth's birthday two weeks ago - we're just so bowled over by the strong show of love and support we've received from everyone; the amount of time and effort people have gone to to remember our daughter Elizabeth. We've been left speechless to be honest and reeling in the fact that we have so many around us that have Elizabeth in their hearts and minds.

It has been a nice break from everything really - and it has been everything and everyone. I've only been emailing and am still catching up with those, the phone has remained thankfully silent since before Elizabeth's birthday. Speechless, mute, not wanting to burst this bubble of so called 'normalcy' - it's where I'm most comfortable right now. It does help that I've been keeping myself busy. I'm trying to be mindful that Amelia is going to come in about two months; I'm trying to make each moment last all the while trying to mentally prepare for her arrival on the outside. It's difficult; no it's fucking hard and I need this time to gather my head and get my shit together!

I'll leave with a quote that I found in a magazine this week; it was written about spring cleaning, but I found it more profound than that and I want to keep it somewhere that I can see it again and again:

'Remember that ultimately things are only reminders. If it really matters, it will be where it counts - in your head or in your heart'.

Oh how true...