I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Thursday, August 18

The Mutterings of a Messy Head

My cousin has just given birth to her long awaited IVF baby.

A little girl and she was a week or so over due. While it comes as such a relief to hear of her safe arrival, the knife is sticking out of my chest now. All around me in my real life there are little baby girls growing in big bellies and being born - it just seems so easy. I am just so fucking glad I am carrying another daughter, a baby at all right now! I'd hate to know the pain of these updates without Amelia within me...

I just need to get things off my chest right now, hence the constant stream of bitty crap posts. I am struggling with everything and just can't get the words out - I'm a hot pot of boiling emotions and I haven't a clue where to start dissecting it all; I'm reacting in a knee jerk manor.

Real life people aren't around for me at this moment; my trusted BLM friend is on holiday and having an equally hard time coping with that, another has just come back after being away for 7 weeks and hasn't a clue of all the ups and downs of my life right now (not that I do for that matter!). My family aren't the ones I can talk to about this messy head state; they are a millions miles away and would feel completely hopeless to help - I can't even get a hug over the phone.

Then of course there is all that mess with 'those hurtful words' that I'm trying so hard to forget about. Will she respect my wishes and just leave me alone for a few days to focus on Elizabeth's birthday? No. With every apologetic mail that comes my way, there is more resentment added and an even bigger wish to never hear from her again. I hate that her stupid fucking selfish words has affected me so much in this way.

The mental effort to keep my head in the present is constant - when I'm not trying to distract myself with the mindless. I know I should just let myself be, but I don't want to be this tangled mess of hateful anger, hot wired to lash out at the few people who are around me now. Namely my handsome husband who has been nothing but absolutely great with all of this - he hasn't even taken sides with me against the 'hurtful woman', as he knows that I'd just get torn up trying to defend family. Ode to have his arms around me constantly, his smiles and actions of distraction.

Through all of this I have a fresh closeness to Amelia. She is my savour, my hope, my joy, my constant little wringer that never fails to put a smile on my face. Whenever I pass a reflection of us, I am in awe that I am carrying another daughter and she is alive this moment.
I had always felt (since losing Elizabeth) that pregnant women on a whole had something that was mine; that there was only a certain allowed to be pregnant at the same time and they had jumped the queue and taken my turn to have a baby to take home. Stupid I know, but that didn't stop those feelings.

My turn did come and all I could do was deny it, not get my hopes up and try to integrate Elizabeth and my grief into our daily lives. The recent start of the change in me was meeting another BLM who had her subsequent baby and had told me of her struggle of the practicalities of actually bring a live baby home (that was her overriding advice for me - be prepared). I class myself as a practical person and had something to work on and that meant trying to believe that Amelia will come home with us. Hence the start of the pregnancy update posts and then I had That Dream a few weeks ago that reinforced to me that our dreams might actually come true.

Then the shit hit the fan last week with the scariest trip to the hospital - it was like wading through a nightmare of a year ago, but in thinking you know the devastating outcome already. Thankfully staff were quick to test, check, medicate me and tell us that things looked good, and to be honest the stay in hospital was a relief, along with the steroid shots and attentive care they gave us.

As I alluded to then, I had a lot of time to think about things and I really bonded with Amelia. I take such great enjoyment from the smallest of things; her kicks as her father talks in a low silly voice to her, her wonderfully active reaction to my singing and acrobatics when Pink.Floyd's Marooned is played, her stretches and sugar rush after a SHC (hot choccy), her quick responses to my questioning nudges when I get anxious - never failing!

I am now the pregnant lady with the blossoming big belly who is never not rubbing it with a smile on her face - maybe I am just checking to feel for a 'tightening' and smiling because I've not, or maybe I am rubbing her butt up in my ribs, maybe I'm giving comfort to my beloved Amelia rubbing her back or poking back at her foot? I love her so much it is hard to keep a straight face; it's only taken 29 weeks to get here for me to actually admit that out loud.

This is where I am right now.

My heart being pulled so many ways is it at breaking point.
My head is so completely foreign to me, I'm just trying to ignore it for now.
My body is doing what it needs with minimal help from the other two - thank goodness.

I do feel better for getting that out of my head, having put some punctuation to the thoughts and giving it focus - instead of letting the mice run amok.
And I must say thank you for all the kind and thoughtful words left on past posts recently - I don't write for them, but when they do come I am heartened and humbled by the show of love and support...

Thank you


News flash - I have just seen that Sally (of Tuesday's Hope) has just given birth;  Hope and Angus have a gorgeous little sister, Juliet. This is such great news for me to hear and it's truly lifted my spirits, I am so utterly thrilled and over the moon for her - if not a little jealous that she gets to hold her daughter right now...

But that is such a minor aspect of my feelings. I'm kind of wanting to revise my spiel about my cousins newborn daughter and about the rest of the girls due and being born - none of them are BLM's and none have walked in these ugly shoes is all I can really say in my defence.

I am truly happy for Sally, so relieved and thrilled for her whole family - no knife in the chest with this fantastic news. It gives more hope that while some of us in the world are so very unlucky to know the grief with losing our child(ren), there are also these great and wonderful things happening too.

Bitter sweet. A new daughter's birth one day, the next being the third birthday of Hope Angel. You are all held in my heart Sally, in these coming days especially.


  1. It does feel like only a certian amount of women are allowed to be pregnant at one time...I never thought of it that way, but you are so right. That would explain part of the reason it is so hard to see them. The non-blm's just make it look so easy when we have to fight for every little thing.

    I am glad you are bonded to Amelia. I fear that once I am pregnant again it won't happen...terrible thing to say, but it is one of my fears.

    So glad to hear about Sally's little girl :)

  2. I agree with Addi's mom. You seem to have such a wonderful bond and love for Amelia. I am so scared of things going bad again that I am afraid I won't let myself get that connected, which sounds bad since its my baby.
    I hope things get better for you soon:)

  3. Thanks for your comments on my blog. Glad everything is going well with Amelia. You are so right. Non-blm's make the baby business look like cake walk. We can never get that and they can never get what we are going through. We are oceans apart and sadly we are on the wrong side. Am always jealous of those people (jealousy is bad, I know) but that's the truth.

  4. I have my rainbow and we are done babymaking but I still find pregnant bellies (particularly with girls in them) so hard. ALL of my SILs are pregnant right now and it is tough because it seems as though they have it so much easier than I did. I am smiling at the loving way you write about Amelia.

    Remembering beautiful Elizabeth with you.

  5. You're beautiful, Tess. Just catching up on blogs now and I'm so touched to read this.
    Elizabeth is in my heart today and I can't wait for the day when I can celebrate the birth of Amelia with you. I hate that I got in first, I would much rather you had your rainbow here safely before I did. I've already tasted the sweetness with Angus' safe arrival.
    Soon Tess, soon.

  6. Much, much, much love to you Tess...it's the 22nd here in the US and you and Elizabeth are very much in my heart and on my mind. xoxoxoxo