You know what I am stumped, angry and at a complete loss.
I am so strung out, so mentally stretched just now I haven't a clue what way is up.
I thought those nights in hospital were the worst - no, it's the aftermath that is getting the better of me and that is really just fucking me off. How have I survived that hospital experience with a level head, just to come back to such backwash of shit to bloody knock me down so hard? Why is it that the people I hold so close can turn the tables on me so completely. How have they made it all about them?
I can't believe how stressed out this has made me feel, I'm not functioning nor sleeping; I'm just so angry. I'm so distracted and insensed by their words, turning around and around in my head gaining speed and power. How the fuck can I have gotten through all that at the hospital and then fall so completely on my face, just from my reaction to another's fucking words? I'm so angry with myself! Why has that seeped in beneath my skin to affect me so much, why do their words cut so deeply.
Why so close to the 22nd, of all the fucking time within a year - why now when I'm needing every single bit of strength I can muster?
Why am I making this so much harder for myself than I have to? Why am I letting them use up all that energy I wanted for keeping myself sane this end of the month? I am just so disappointed with me for letting them get the better of me, and angry that they can do so with such ease.
I had such a lovely vision of keeping the run up to Elizabeth's day all about her; her beauty, her life, her memories, her remembrance, the love we have for her and keeping that alive in our hearts. It's all tainted with this fucking anger now, I can't see away through it and it's just turned into a time of stress and about those who don't give enough of a fuck - I can't believe I've let the words of others affect me so much...
I just haven't got the mental agility to get myself out of this right now, I'm so mentally exhausted - oh please let me put this behind me, so I can put my energies into my Elizabeth's birthday and remembering her the way I want and need to.
Give yourself permission to be how you need to be. You have been through hell and back way too many times. You are human... Be gentle with yourself. Love, comfort and peace to you, dear Tess.
ReplyDelete-Sadie
Tess this post really spoke to me. I know I don't know the ins and out of what has gone on, but I can only imagine as I went through so much of it myself. I lost my best friend in the lead up to Hope's first birthday and there was a huge fight and many harsh words were shared. It had me completely riled up as all I wanted to do was cocoon, grieve my first baby, grow my second one and focus on me. If you want to vent/dump/share any of it to take a load off, please email me. I will be here for you to listen, night and day.
ReplyDeletexo
Oh no my friend... I am not sure what has happened but I hope you know that for every asshat who makes you feel like this, there are those of us who are here to listen and offer the one thing you need most.. support.
ReplyDeleteSending you love...
Wow! Let it all out mama. I know it's easier said than done and it's super hard when we let other people's words in when we are feeling so strong. I wish I could take back those words for you my friend and I am sorry that they have created such anguish during this most important time. Thinking of you and sending you strength my friend~
ReplyDelete