I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Tuesday, September 20

4 Weeks Today

In just 28 days we'll be holding Amelia in our arms.

That is a broad statement that covers all bases really. By that time we'll see her face for sure; whether she comes earlier or how she is born and of course if she lives through that birth.

That realisation is exciting to us both; to know her birth date, to have that goal to work and look forward to. We didn't have that with Elizabeth, we were always on tender hooks to be vigilante for signs of impending labour and that took away from the fact that we were about to have our baby - and that in turn held me back from seeing Elizabeth as our baby; I was more concerned with the end of my pregnancy and thought we'd have the rest of our lives to get to know each other...

It is quite a sobering thought to know that Amelia is coming, our baby daughter will (hopefully, fingers crossed that all goes according to plan) be born in 4 weeks - I see her as our baby and that is new and exciting for me.

I still can't think beyond her birthday, heading into the hospital, getting booked in, but anything after that it's just far too abstract for me to really visualise. I can imagine an alive Amelia (I still have that wonderful dream to look back on), but I also have last years memories of her big sister to flood my mind. Those are bitter sweet memories, for they are my only ones of Elizabeth that I cherish, but conversely they are so heart wrenchingly painful to put myself back there. I have time still to work up to that, or I can just let things happen and take it as it comes - I know her birth and all thereafter is going to be the most bitter sweet moments of my life - but how do you prepare for something like that?

On a more practical level I have given myself these next two weeks to myself, I'll concentrate on getting things sorted for Amelia in the last two weeks before her arrival. That should be plenty of time to get items washed, sorted, organised and in working order - I really should make a list so those things so they aren't running around in my head. That is started now and I feel like I'm accomplishing things just by that small act of list writing.

Something really quite stupid knocked me off kilter yesterday and the feeling hasn't dispersed yet. Yesterday was the first really warm (if not hot) day we've had this half of the year and that 'something' brought a sense of deja vu - not a nice one either. It kind of hit me that I was dreading something; like I had assignments due in the next day at school and hadn't yet started it. I can't think of what to pin that feeling on; why is it still here?

I spoke to the 'harsh words' lady last night - she initiated the exchange of information, and that was all it was from me really. I just can't open up to her, I still hold much bitterness. I can hear how she is trying, I feel sorry for her in that respect, but can't/won't do much to lessen that effort on her part - she will have to do better to make a mends with me for the way she treated me.

My heart feels so sensitive to others pain right now. I am emotional and the slightest thing gets it aching - hormones I suspect.

I'm going to pull My Space off the Internet - I need to write freely and can do so knowing that others won't be reading - I'm not sure if I'll put it back up after this phase; no one really reads all the past posts and I really want to share Amelia's arrival and all the rest of it.

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