I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Tuesday, September 20

Written on the 13th - Where Am I?

Well that one in part is easy - I'm in the city sat in a coffee shop with a SHC looking out and down on to the busy street below, while taking particular notice of the 'cat's danglers' tree with it's new and small leaves and 'danglers' sprouting.

The harder part of me knows that I avoided the question. The question I'm writing about is what am I feeling inside right now, that is why this post may or may not get posted...

But on that note I'm going to be selfish right now and use my blog to vent, which was basically the reason why I set this space up - for myself, my sanity; it is a place where I should feel no pressure to write or 'say' anything in particular, a place where I can just let go of all the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I'm feeling - to have it all in one place for me to maybe go back later to see just how far I've come.  Somewhere along the line I found a pressure to conform (conform to a norm in the BLM world?), to take my writing queues from others, and that in turn hid what was really festering underneath my skin. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I have needed to take others perspective and to open myself up to that, but not to the detriment of my own.

I have felt that it is necessary to hide much of my pregnancy, my thoughts and feelings about it because it is a sensitive subject out there. I try not to alienate and maybe down play things - but hold on, this is the biggest head fuck there is going; I need this space to get it all off my chest, more so than ever now that things are coming to a head.

Hmm, I'm considering taking this off the web and just keeping it for myself, saying exactly what I want - but what of all the friendships I've made here; I don't just want to disappear, these connections have been a life line to me and there is something to be said for feeling 'normal' within this world and having your feelings validated by those who comment.

Where am I going with this?
Fuck knows.

I make no apologies, no excuses for my words; they are here to please no one but myself, to get them out of my head and down somewhere safe so they're not rattling around up there. I always had a journal in the years gone by that I would only truly write in when things were bad, blue or looking quite glum - I've never needed this more in the here and now. I write to stop the cycle of spinning that my thoughts take; it's a vent, a way to put focus to my thoughts and to put understanding to them - I 'talk' myself around into feeling better in some ways. Writing for me is for my mental well being. I do continue to write in other places; Elizabeth's journal and one I started when I first found out I was pregnant carrying Amelia. I also really write my head and heart in most emails - I can't help but wonder what will happen when I run out of time to do that; when Amelia is born.

Enough about me explaining why this post is the way it is and to get on with the venting/'talking' myself around...

The trigger for this 'blip'; the thing I want to get off my chest the most is the fact that my sister in law has just told us she is 14 weeks pregnant. I have only one SIL and she is the one who has had a terrible time of late with her husband (long story short - first boyfriend, got married, had daughter after 5 years. She wanted more, he said no for 4 years. Meanwhile he had (having?) a 2 year affair and there is a baby due this month from that). They are staying together for their daughter, from the little SIL has been writing to me there is zero trust, respect or confidence in the future, mainly to his actions once the other baby is born.
The word that springs into my mind is irresponsible (well all I hear is screaming). How could she let that happen; bring a child into such an uncertain family? I know this world is just so uncertain anyway, but to willingly bring a child into such circumstances that you do have control over? My mind is reeling and just can't get over it - every precious child needs it all; the love from both parents, stability, safety, a trust they are in a secure place where bitterness, mistrust, resentment, anger, betrayal, hurt and denial are not known to them. My feelings run so deep about this - I just wish there was no poor children messed up with all this affair; it makes me so sad, maybe mixed with disappointment and a dash of anger too. It goes without saying how many people/families I know of who are struggling with loss and infertility - do I really need to write the obvious?


This morning I received our c-section date - so much for electives being on a Friday! Ours is the following Tuesday which will put us at 38 weeks and a day and I am happy with that and am excited to have this date now. I'm actually quite relieved that it's not on the Friday before to be honest; we get to have a last lazy weekend together; maybe go away doing something special as I'm sure we'll have everything as ready as it's going to be well in advance. That Friday is a dear BLMs graduation that we weren't thinking we'd make, but I will get to wear that beautiful summer dress I brought not so long ago (and to be honest that is the cherry on top of the cake that we get to make his graduation; we're both really quite chuffed about that). Also the Saturday is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day that we will be giving ourselves over to - I remember so clearly the powerful feelings of lighting our candles at 7pm in the 'wave of light' last year and intend to honour that time again this year too. I do think those four days between the Friday and Tuesday are going to be the longest four days in history for us both...

Provided everything goes according to plan.

The anxiety is climbing now; so close (5 weeks today) and yet so bloody far. As I mentioned in the Pumpkin Pages, anxiety is not known to me in an everyday capacity and it's really letting the punches roll now. Car accidents, umbilical cord accidents, falling accidents, accidents and more are running through my head at the most unsuspecting moments - it really takes a great deal of my energy to get my head around them and knock them into touch.

I am being very self absorbed - for one reason or another I don't have the scope of emotion to take on anything outside of me and mine in everyday life. If it's not rearranged on my iCal then it doesn't figure in my thinking. And my calendar is quite full; meeting or visiting friends, a remembrance walk, hospital appointments, an evening at the ballet, group meetings and the incidental appointments. Oh, taking the car into be serviced was one of those things that triggered a lot of stress for me; the last car service was the day my waters broke! These things just knock me sideways.

Then there was the Father's Day weekend and that fell on the date that we lost Taggpole two years ago - I didn't realise how that had knocked me down until picking myself up again. It maybe just the tiredness, hormones, the residual head cold or the fact that I seem to be out of sync with everything.

Family matters are okay. I have spoken to them since Elizabeth's birthday and didn't give the 'harsh words' lady a chance to bring up her past fuck up, just keeping things light and simple. My father is in India and my sister is getting quite excited about her visit coming up in November - I had to be honest and say that I couldn't think of anything further than Amelia's arrival; she understands and that started a whole conversation of what Auntie Kayla will be like with Amelia, it was good to hear and share her confidence.
The out laws are wanting to book tickets to come out and visit next year before they move back to the UK. I haven't addressed that with them intentionally; I mean how can I say that I don't want to have them here nicely? There seems to be an unspoken truce between A. and I that we don't talk of this, but saying that I did stipulate that he was to take time off to entertain them.

I hate A's new working hours; they are supposedly sociable hours of 8am-6pm, but with a commute and theatre lists running over it is more like 6am-7pm. He only has two weekends to work in this 3 month period and he doesn't have nights to do - but I feel as if we don't get anytime together and the weekends are spent catching up on sleep and other such stuff which I don't count as quality time. When he was working shifts he was actually working longer hours, but his time off seemed longer too; three full days a week.

5 weeks
34 days
830 hours
49,842 minutes
2,990,533 seconds

That is all that is going around my head right now; the c-section date.

I almost cried at my OB, Penny at our last appointment on Thursday; she gave me a form for anytime monitoring ('safety net' forms). I was getting concerned that she'd just want to continue to see me every two weeks and hadn't mentioned any other monitoring to me at all. I was so relived, not to mention the fact that she indulged me again with another ultrasound just to have a look at Amelia - didn't matter the day before we'd had our level 2 scan. I am so very lucky to have Penny as our OB.

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