Smell Association

I brought the wrong body wash.
The one I did buy was the old one I'd used 'before'.
There I was in the shower with my scratchy mitts on, the next moment I was transported backward in time...

Having carefully undressed my mother's body, I'd set the temperature to just bearable; not too hot for my empty, swollen body.  I was still so raw, so numb, so sore and I'd have to be so careful around that red and angry scar.  The hole where the drain came out and the knot of that long, single disposable stitch - maybe if I'd knocked it, I would unravel entirely?

I'd wash myself on autopilot almost with my eyes closed and startling myself when something hurt - everything hurt!  The scar.  My whole chest with the delayed milk that came in the week after that pill. My face and eyes from all the tissues, tears and sleepless nights.  But mainly it was my heart that I was so wary of in the shower - you see there is a huge mirror in our bathroom; it takes up most of a wall and that makes it very difficult not to see oneself.  While in there my eyes were always averted; always looking downward or closed - I couldn't look at myself.

To physically see the pain in my broken and ripped apart body, to see how the look of grief distorted my face, to see what was felt on the inside starring at back me; that was more than I could bare and made it only more real.  The hunted, empty, pained look in my eyes, it was worse seeing that same look in A's...

From the inside I could shut it all out, fool myself for a few seconds of relief and feel I could deal with the full horror - if only I didn't look in that damned mirror.  Maybe I could get away with thinking that it all happened to someone else and my precious baby girl was still within me and thriving?

And I guess she is in a way too.  My Elizabeth isn't gone from me now and never will be.  She will forever reside in my heart safe and sound, protected and knowing such powerful love I have for her.

So I've not charged out to buy new body wash, now that I've explored these feelings.  I am glad to have remembered them.  It seems very strange for me to say that, but Elizabeth seems so far away from me now and these reminders of the raw times brings me closer to her again, along with all that heartache and pain.  While I don't associate this particular body wash with 'before' Elizabeth's birth and all its excitement, I know and recall those first early memories/emotions from just 'after'.